AIBU to refuse to host Xmas dinner?

[CiritheLionessofCintra]

Another Xmas one but just that really. DH and I have always had Xmas at our own home instead of trailing our 3 DC around to visit everyone. We find it more of a hassle getting DC read and dragging them away from their toys or trying to drag the toys with us! We much prefer our routine of open presents, then have dinner then have visitors. Yesterday PIL were visiting and MIL brought up Xmas, asking us our plans, asking DC what Santa was bringing them ect before announcing that she, FIL, SIL, YSIL, BIL and BIL's DW would be joining us for dinner on Xmas day. I flat out refused.

So I don't drop feed, my reasons are first and foremost she didn't ask, she just announced they would be coming which I find rude, she usually pulls stunts like this and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with DC4.

Now, my problem. MIL huffed after that and left. Not too soon after I get a call from DH asking what I'd done to upset his mother and why I was rude to her! I explained what happened and DH wants me to reconsider.

AIBU to refuse and stand my ground?

Winged monkeys etc......don't forget the "illness" that will need DH to go rushing over for.

Your poor dh , the penny is finally dropping for him about how she is really like. Yes it is a decision between her and you, I am glad he has your back. It is absolutely disgusting how she expected you a heavily pregnant woman, to host all those guests at Christmas, and provide a 'proper' Christmas dinner singlehandedly, whilst not allowing anybody to help you our. So you will be slave to them. No thank you, she can entertain in her own home, herself! She has shown how vile and toxic she really is, I really would go NC with them. Dh would be welcome to see them, but not in your home. So it will be a nice quiet Christmas with you dh and the kids.

Well that was an update I wasn't expecting! She's bonkers! But equally toxic.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I hope you and your dh are ok.

What a women! I'm seconding the dementia or strange illness, how did she manage to hide this level of contempt when you see her much?
And how can she think you hate her when you have hosted her every other weekend - not a huge amount of dils would do that. Am starting to wonder if I'm reading the thread properly..

Well that certainly escalated quickly.
Hope you and DH are ok today.

I would also bet that she will now have an illness or take unwell & expect DH to go running.

Oh my goodness! But how refreshing to hear about a DH who is on his DW's side, immediately and tells his DM to sort herself out. Well done your DH! Bacon sandwich from that man this morning.

*for, not from

Yes Fanny, that sounds likely from how DMIL sounds front this thread! Poor OP. Poor DH. What a sad old witch.

your poor DH. I know you were the one being put upon for Christmas and totally agree all that cooking was unfair - even more so when heavily pg - but for your DH to have his mother show her true colours must be awful for him.
I'm really pleased he stepped up and defended you though. Goes to show what his true feelings are.

My god that escalated alot didn't it??

Glad MIL has shown her true colours. Your poor DH though.

Wow, that escalated quickly
Your inlaws sound bizarre.

OMG she sounds deranged!

She sounds just like my DM to be honest - google narcissistic personality disorder or mothers with NPD and you will be amazed (in a bad way)

She is clearly far too toxic to be around your DC if she is going to question their parentage - I would go totally NC for you and the DC, and let DH make his own decisions in his own time. It will be hard for him.

I agree with PP - you will get the flying monkeys next, and then if that doesn't work, the "mystery illness"

Just think how much lighter and stress free your life will be without her though OP?

just I cannot believe how much crazy has come out of her! Your poor DH ... although yay go no long weekends or Christmas hosting!

Wow! The post what she said go dh when he was at hers I genuinely looked like and actually exclaimed 'oh my fucking God!'

I doubt there's any excuse for this behaviour. I suspect given op's posts saying about dh being the baby of the family etc that this was a long time coming and inevitable to a degree (unless OP completely toed the party line). What a bitch!!

OP sorry but remember dh has been conditioned. I wouldn't be surprised if once he's calmed down he'll be all 'she was upset' 'she didn't mean it' or worse 'I'm sure if you (OP) apologised and agreed to do this one small thing (host xmas dinner for 11 while heavily pregnant!) It'll all be forgotten'

Especially when he's got flying monkeys and 'serious mystery life threatening illness' to deal with. So be prepared.

You seem wise to her but maybe getting HIM to look at eg out of the fog site would be a good idea?

I am sure that MIL has overstepped the mark, especially with regards to what she said about her grandchildren parentage, and wife cheating. So therefore I feel the penny is dropping for op dh.

Just read the whole thread and jaw literally in the floor well done to your dh for supporting you. How awful for him to have heard such vile things from her and to see his mother's true colours

Poor poor both if you. And the DCs, who will ask why their GPs aren't coming over.

This sort of happened once in my family. My cousin, yo his credit, stood up to his mother and said,

Never never speak to me like that again about my wife. You may not like her. She is my best friend, she is the mother if my children. I love you but I am not prepared to tolerate this. And if you persist it is my duty to protect her.

It worked. She behaved better. Even if only an armed truce.

Hello, everyone. Thank you for the lovely replies and messages of support! You were all so great I couldn't leave you hanging. I took PP's advice and did not show DH the texts the night before, they mostly consisted of the usual "I hope you're happy with yourself." "You've ruined our family, now it's up to you to fix it." Etc but other than we had a quiet night by turning our phones off.

This morning he felt slightly better, or so he says. He asked me if his family had contacted me, I said yes and showed him the texts to which he brought up MIL's and SIL's social media accounts. They've put up statuses defaming DH and myself, mostly me though, as home wreckers since neither of us will answer them from our phones and portraying themselves as victims. I think they think that using Facebook will back us into a corner as it's gained the attention of numerous relatives since she's tagged DH in it, I don't have Facebook. DH is debating whether to comment to defend me from her lies, I've told him not to bother as it doesn't bother me.

We went out for breakfast with the DC this morning, brought them to the park and now they're napping upstairs. They were up quite early so food combined with running around with their father has them pooped! DH and I had been relaxing together but he'd been spending a lot of time on his phone checking the updates on MIL's status about us. He had responded to it but not in the way I imagined he would. He screenshoted MIL's texts to him the night before, these texts held the same tone as her conversation with my DH that night so think along the lines of calling me every name under the sun, I sponge off DH, I hate her, I make no effort, doubting our youngest DC. And he posted them under the status explaining why this started. Now PIL are not very Facebook savy so I'm not sure how long it will take before they figure out how to delete them but DH's comments have been up for a good hour.

After DH first posted them he received a message from MIL asking him how he could betray her trust like that! And that some of the family think that she is the instigator in all this instead of the victim. DH ignored her but I have asked if he would possibly benefit from counselling to deal with all this. He's agreed to give it a try but I've asked him to ignore anything his family do or say, on social media or otherwise as it will slow his healing process. It will be a long road for him as he like PP's have said he has been conditioned this way all his life.

With MIL and her history I've heard the term narcissist and I do think she fits but I won't go around diagnosing her. When we were first together she wasn't as bad, defiantly not crazy just overbearing. She kept her distance from me unless we had to interact I.e family's gather or birthday but she was was nice as nice could be! It was only after we had our first DC she become obsessed with spending time with us which I thought was normal 'grandmother rabies', she demanded babysitting, tried to co parent, discouraged my BF as it restricted her time with my LO's, tried to insert herself to my scans etc. But I've never given into her so I think that's reason enough for her not to like me and pretend to like me for her son, one guilt message she sent me the night before was how I had 'taken her baby away'.

DH is doing well! You picked a great hubby! He really has his back up this time...

Stupid woman! So now on fb everyone (not just family) are going to know exactly what she's like! Is she the type to have decent privacy settings or not? I'm guessing not so not just friends/family but any gossipmongers likely to share.

Have any of the immediate family said anything either way anywhere?

Gosh, well done for being so balanced.

In due course, you need to find an even keel, for both of you, and him with his siblings and his DF and even his DM. If he has come from a close family, bring completely nc will cause probs down the track.

Polite assertiveness, which seems to be what you are nothing good at, is IMV the best way forward.

Has she done this to other people? And where is your PIL on this? And are there medical issues?

Thanks, Sally! He really is doing his best with all this!