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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

221 replies

HurtGranny · 26/11/2015 14:20

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 26/11/2015 19:58

You are quite right grunt. I saw someone mention an update so went to check but only after I had posted. My apologies.

I would imagine being a granny is a pretty emotional business really.

tiktok · 26/11/2015 20:00

Nosmile, mumsnet is not anti-grandparent. What a sarcastic, cynical post! I have never thought there was a general antagonism towards grandparents - sometimes individual parents are supported when faced with overbearing or difficult GP behaviour, of course, but it's not a general thing!

Passmethecrisps · 26/11/2015 20:00

It was onemore's posts which made me look again. Not sure how I missed the updates. Sorry again

NoSmileToday · 26/11/2015 20:20

Tik that's how you see MN I see it differently. Doesn't make my post wrong and yours right. Just means we see it differently.

MindfulBear · 26/11/2015 20:44

hi hurtgranny sorry to hear this story. I imagine that comments were made after you came and yuor DD would feel self conscious if her DF came along as well as you next time. I think a family concert sounds like a lovely idea.

As for the babysitting - tbh we didnt leave my DS, apart from with a childminder or nanny when we were at work, until he was almost 2yo. It wasnt weird. I just didnt want to be away from him unless I really had to be and then I wanted DH to look after him. We didnt go out as a couple until he was about 2yo. So dont feel excluded on the basis of not being able to babysit yet. Your DD is still doing the babydance!! bide your time and I bet plenty of babysitting will come your way Grin

hope you feel better now

onecurrantbun1 · 26/11/2015 20:49

3 adults to one child? I think that's more the issue than him being male or elderly. It's not really the "done thing" at any of the groups I've been to - even the ones when WOHP on a day off attend, it seems to be in lieu of the other parent. DH likes to take our kids when he has a day off - but I stay at home or go out for a coffee!

I see you've updated and re considered the tone of your post, well done OP. I would suggest you drop the matter with your DD as well and if, in time, she becomes happier for you to take your GD out yourself perhaps then consider attending a group?

My mum is only 53 now and an experienced foster mum so I totally trust her, but much as you cherish the fun times with your GD your daughter should be able to cherish the fun times with her daughter, without feeling guilty.

onecurrantbun1 · 26/11/2015 20:50

Sorry - "totally trust her, but she still rarely has the girls. We visit her socially but she doesn't really babysit as I love being with my DDs and don't need a break."

timelytess · 26/11/2015 21:50

You should stay quietly in the background and only come out when your DD says you can and you must be damn well grateful for it too
I try to do this, because I want to support my dd, not be a problem. It seems to work.

CalleighDoodle · 26/11/2015 21:55

Ive attended wonderful music classes with the same amazing teacher for the past 5 and a half years! Two children, moving up the classes. My oarents have come with me more than they havent! They were the ones taking my children when i was working on the day it is on for over a year too. They love it. They chat to the other parents. The teacher is always lovely with them and asks after them when theyre not there. But they do join in. And grandparents are the norm at a lot of these tyoe things were i live, as grandparwnts do a lot of childcare.

Bluecheese22 · 27/11/2015 11:40

Your post has made me really sad. They joy my mum & step dad get from seeing and doing things with our children means the world to us. I wouldn't dream of excluding them from such precious moments.

chumbler · 27/11/2015 11:47

Morro and penny have summed up what I think. It's not appropriate, it's unusual to have anyone but mum at baby groups. Or if not mum then usually just one person with the baby. She probably realised this after taking you. She may also want to make friends and go be honest this is hard when you go with other people. Stop pushing her away. You're being way OTT. It sounds like you are involved in dgds life lots already.

Krampus · 27/11/2015 12:02

It sounds as if she wanted to include you and got you in as a one off. Usually for that sort of activity only one carer would go with the baby, be that a nanny, Mum, Dad, or grandparent. They will usually be someone's business and very different from a council or community baby and toddler playgroup. Having two extra adukts showing up wouldn't please many business owners.

Either she is thinking oh no you are both expecting it to become a regular thing now, or someone has said something. Some of the parents at the group may feel embarrassed enough singing in company.

BestZebbie · 27/11/2015 14:24

At the baby swimming lessons we go to it is just one parent and one baby except a pair of grandparents who sometimes come and sit at the edge and watch their DD and grandchild. Tbh, I'd rather they didn't - it changes the dynamic from everyone being equal in their swimsuits playing along with their babies if there are two fully-dressed people without babies staring in at the singing/activities but not taking part. Especially when they sometimes start taking photos! (I think they have been told to only include their own DD in that, but I'm pretty sure they have also done group shots/with others in the background too).

Euripidesralph · 28/11/2015 04:40

I'm really going to try to be kind but you sound like you've been pushy

I'll give you an example I think is comparable.... I rang my mum at one point and said did she fancy myself and ds1 popping down in the week to visit (we are two hours away) , yes lovely she was happy

I got a phone call ten minutes later ..... Could we make it a specific day and time so that Deneice could be picked up from school by ds (not literally as in she would see him at the gates with me), and we need to stay for evening meal and in fact can I stay for a couple of days

My response was .... No ! If I had been able to or wanted to do that I would have offered it and mum and I had a conversation about the fact I had offered a nice thing and she had ruined it by in all honesty being greedy and pushy so that her wants and needs came before ds and mine (there was context about how difficult she knew ds found sleeping anywhere else at the time)

Can you see? Dd included you and spent time with you and your response? Why can't we have more how could you hurt gf? I truly hope you consider this although I suspect you won't

Euripidesralph · 28/11/2015 04:41

I'm really going to try to be kind but you sound like you've been pushy

I'll give you an example I think is comparable.... I rang my mum at one point and said did she fancy myself and ds1 popping down in the week to visit (we are two hours away) , yes lovely she was happy

I got a phone call ten minutes later ..... Could we make it a specific day and time so that Deneice could be picked up from school by ds (not literally as in she would see him at the gates with me), and we need to stay for evening meal and in fact can I stay for a couple of days

My response was .... No ! If I had been able to or wanted to do that I would have offered it and mum and I had a conversation about the fact I had offered a nice thing and she had ruined it by in all honesty being greedy and pushy so that her wants and needs came before ds and mine (there was context about how difficult she knew ds found sleeping anywhere else at the time)

Can you see? Dd included you and spent time with you and your response? Why can't we have more how could you hurt gf? I truly hope you consider this although I suspect you won't

Euripidesralph · 28/11/2015 04:47

I'm really going to try to be kind but you sound like you've been pushy

I'll give you an example I think is comparable.... I rang my mum at one point and said did she fancy myself and ds1 popping down in the week to visit (we are two hours away) , yes lovely she was happy

I got a phone call ten minutes later ..... Could we make it a specific day and time so that Deneice could be picked up from school by ds (not literally as in she would see him at the gates with me), and we need to stay for evening meal and in fact can I stay for a couple of days

My response was .... No ! If I had been able to or wanted to do that I would have offered it and mum and I had a conversation about the fact I had offered a nice thing and she had ruined it by in all honesty being greedy and pushy so that her wants and needs came before ds and mine (there was context about how difficult she knew ds found sleeping anywhere else at the time)

Can you see? Dd included you and spent time with you and your response? Why can't we have more how could you hurt gf? I truly hope you consider this although I suspect you won't

Senpai · 28/11/2015 04:51

Baby groups don't really "allow" men or anyone other than mothers. I think it's more you coming along was the exception to the rule. It's like if you loaned out money to a friend, and that friend expected you to do the same for her partner. She did you a favor by allowing you in the class in the first place, but you can't demand she allow your husband in.

She's right, you can't have an old man awkwardly staring at the babies and not participating. Now if he were a bubbly fellow, it might be different. In any case, it's a baby class. It doesn't benefit DD to go, it's for the mothers to go socialize. DD isn't going to care if you're there or not.

Bigpants4 · 28/11/2015 04:54

Grandparents are great!

However, it's only a baby group. Does it really matter?

Bigpants4 · 28/11/2015 04:57

I've seen fathers and grandfathers in baby groups. I can't see the problem with them being there. However, you just need to go with what your DD is comfortable with. It would be silly to put pressure on her or fall out over something so little. Try not to make it a big issue, it doesn't matter really in the big scheme of things

Birdsgottafly · 28/11/2015 06:55

OP, I know exactly what you mean about the classes "being magical".

My DGD is nearly one, I've been to a few and had to supervise classes as part of my job. I wish that they had been around when mine were little.

My DD had my GDG at 19, she felt and was judged, people were very rude until they found out that she had a Home Birth and BF.

I went with her because she needed the routine, she had anxiety.

There were a range of Mums getting to grips with the change a first baby brings.

"" My DD's main problem seems to be that her father wouldn't join in, he'd just watch from the back. I don't see why this would be an issue personally ""

I think you forget, or perhaps you didn't, the range of emotions, including insecurity that new Mums can feel and a class of any type should be tailored to suit those it's supposed to serve.

I'm very involved, my DGD had health problems, but I've encouraged my DD to keep her routine up, but I don't go to the classes, because she needs to interact with the peer group, uninterrupted and be able to have a conversation with other Mums.

If there were relatives (especially an elderly man) sitting on the side lines, I know a few Mums wouldn't go and these are the ones who are the targeted demographic.

The reason I say "elderly man", is because the Women want to share their experiences of BF and restarting their Sex life etc.

Birdsgottafly · 28/11/2015 06:56

Also OP, does she go swimming?

They are mixed and it's a good experience.

SiegeofEnnis · 28/11/2015 07:04

Of course baby groups 'allow' men, Senpai -they are for parents! The issue isn't 'men', it's spectating grandparents.

Footle · 28/11/2015 07:18

Euripides , "greedy and pushy" ? Could your mum also be described as "welcoming and excited to see you "?

Euripidesralph · 28/11/2015 07:31

Seriously? No

Unless you're mildly delusional , have no boundaries and allow your life to be overrun by other people's needs

Pranmasghost · 28/11/2015 07:34

This is an odd situation. I am a grandma who has been involved in childcare twice a week for 9 years now. I used to take dgc to rhyme time and to a Tumble Tots activity group. My dd did NCT groups and a mother and baby massage group. I never expected to go with her and my dh certainly had no interest although he loved interacting with the children in the family context.
I did see the occasional father at these groups and a few grannies like me but never a grandad.
I think it was lovely for the op to be taken along and I think her daughter might have taken her again if she hadn't started fussing about taking her husband. Baby music groups aren't spectator sports or 'shows' for an audience. Let grandad wait for the school Nativity play or Sports Day and in the meantime just enjoy watching his granddaughter at home or in the park.