DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

[HurtGranny]

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

As a one off I wouldn't bat an eyelid unless the organisers had an issue with numbers for insurance reasons etc. Visiting grandparents often came along to the ridiculous baby sensory stuff I went to with my first child.

It's a silly thing to get so upset over though? I don't think its necessarily an issue with your DH attending but that your DD is worried that you will want to make a regular event out of it and having gone before it is difficult to turn you both down.

The classes are a useful way to make friends with other new mums, compare notes on your children's development and just to chat generally while trying to ensure your baby doesn't fall on it's head. Having parents around who in the nicest possible way are a spare part and need to be entertained definitely changes that experience.

Your DD hasn't handled it well or been particularly tactful though. I am sorry you are upset but I think you should find other "modern" things to get involved with.

[BollocksToThat1]

Hi op.

You are overreacting here really you are.

My dil is pregnant and I am having the baby for some of the time. I won't attend the same classes etc as she will as it's her time to mix and socialise and build up a network of other new mums.

As a cm I take mind to rhythm time for cms/grandparents but I pay for that and also attend cm groups. To be quite honest we don't want parents there as it's a group up support child care workers/grandparents.

Your dd is an adult and of course she wants up do things with mums her own age by herself. She might feel embarrassed rocking up with her parents in tow and I dont blame her.

Look op when my grandchild arrives it's going up be great but seriously attending baby classes with him will not in any way mean the world to me

Live your own lives and dd and dhs be a big part of that of course but not your whole world.

[ghnocci]

I would not have enjoyed going to a mother and baby group where there were grandparents sat watching. Especially if I had needed to BF.

I can't really imagine why either you or your DH want to go in the first place tbh.

[MummaB123]

I don't think YABU, but I can see both sides.
My family live far away, and I would love it if they came with me to see my children at things like this. I attend many toddler groups where grandparents come along, and sometimes I really wish my family were near me so I could have them there too.
That said, I wouldn't want them there every week, as I like doing things with my children on my own at times, and as these groups are social opportunities for mums as well, it would be hard with my mum and dad there.
I don't see the harm in him attending once just to experience it.
My children have two very different sets of grandparents. One set who take no interest whatsoever and have turned us down on the majority of occasions we have asked them to babysit (we have very rarely asked!), and the others who would drop everything and drive for 3 hours if we asked them to! (We don't by the way, except when I was in labour second time round).
Sorry for rambling, my point is your daughter sounds very lucky, but take care not to stifle her.

[Whatevva]

Surely, if an 80 yr old grandfather did not want to miss out on this aspect of his dgd's development, he could sing songs with her himself . He ought to know plenty by now. It would be far more useful to the child than watching a mother and baby group.

[woundbobbin]

Going slightly against the grain here but my Ddad has done the lions share of the childcare for all 4 of his grandchildren and will carry this on when the fifth arrives next year. He has been to many more baby groups than me or my DH or my Dbro and DSIL (we all work full time) He does refer to soft play as the 2nd circle of hell. But he has always been welcomed at groups and never made to feel like a strange old man. OP obviously you will have to go with what your daughter wants and I expect she has her reasons but it feels a bit like this thread is not representative of all people's childcare set up (nearly everyone I know has help from parents with childcare and groups round here are as full of grandparents as parents)

[MissingPanda]

It could be as a pp said that extras are discouraged and your DD only found out after taking you or maybe she thought it would be a nice thing to do as a one off but doesn't want to repeat it because she wants to make friends with some of the other women there or sees it as a nice way of spending some one on one time with her baby.

Also one extra person there as a one off is different to two extra people. I don't know the size of the rooms or how many mums/babies are in the group but if they all brought along their parents I imagine it would get pretty crowded and a lot less enjoyable.

'I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.'

I don't blame you DD for refusing to discuss it. It comes across to me as if you're determined to get your own way regardless of your DD's feelings on the subject. You need to accept your DD is an adult, not a child whom you can tell what to do, and respect her decision.

[April2013]

BF in front of older men is not much fun for most mums and there is usually a fair bit of bf going on at baby groups, it would be a bit like a man going into the BF room at mothercare and sitting down and watching - very awkward.

[CaffeineBomb]

Maybe it is something she really enjoys doing herself with the baby and wanted to take you along as a one off to show you how much your granddaughter enjoys it and is now worried she will lose that one on one time?

Perhaps she is worried that there are relatively new mums who would be uncomfortable BF in front of onlookers?

Whatever it is I would drop the matter before it causes arguments

[GrannyGoggles]

You need to let it go HurtGranny. You're on a hiding to nothing.

I wouldn't worry too much about the babysitting yet a while. We have two tiny grandchildren, DGC1 was almost a year before he was left with us, DGC2 younger, but just for v brief periods.

Your daughter needs space to develop as a mum. I keep well clear when my DiL or DD are with NCT buddies or similar, but have taken DGC1 to a playgroup on my own. (No magic, sadly).

We do most of the driving too, because it's much easier for the adults without an infant, and the half ton of stuff that goes with them, to travel. And because our lives are, frankly, less busy and pressured than theirs.

Back off a bit, and you may find that your DD decides she'd like a bit of company and baby sitting. Force it at your peril

[diddl]

Well I do think that it's quite sad that she took her mum but won't take her dad.

Maybe something happened, maybe something has been said?

But I find it odd that you put that you would like to go again & take your husband, rather than just "perhaps you could take your dad one time as well?"

Perhaps she had visions of you keep asking to be taken everywhere!

"the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

That's a very strange way to speak about him. Do they get on??

[FannyFifer]

It's a mother and baby group, bringing other people apart from perhaps the dad of the baby is just plain weird.
It's not really a spectator sport, it's kinda meant to be for the baby to interact with other wee ones & the mum to get some chat with folk with same age children.
So you are being unreasonable & very odd.

[mummyagainin2016]

April and others who've mentioned BFing. What about Dads who attend these groups? Should they not be allowed to either, for the same reasons?
As far as I can tell, the group isn't a BF support group or a group for teeny babies. By a year old most BF kids aren't demanding BF-ing in the middle of a class, not in my experience anyway.

Someone upthread mentioned filming the class as an alternative to the GP attending. No class leaders of classes I've attended alllow that, regardless of what other parents think. In one case, we had a recently adopted child in the class and filming and photographs were a definite no-no.

OP, why did your DH not attend on the same occasion you did?

[Passmethecrisps]

I love my dad and my fil. They are both sunny and funny and dd adores them.

However, I know that if they were at a parent and toddler group where a group of ten mums sit round animatedly singing wind the bobbin up while the babies twat themselves in the face with the instruments they would both spend their time with a combination of these faces and so on

[goodnightdarthvader1]

The 'glaring from the sidelines' comment - was that verbatim? Does your husband glare (or has a resting face that appears to be glaring)?

This. HurtGranny has ignored this aspect of the comments repeatedly. You may love your DH but if he has a rep for being a grumpy, sullen, unsocial bugger, then just because you think it would be nice for him to come along doesn't mean other people will. Maybe your DD is seeing something you don't / won't see.

[April2013]

Also, you don't have a right to babysit and you shouldn't take offence that you haven't been asked, it will only push your daughter further away. She may simply not want to be parted yet which is fair enough or she may be concerned that your house is not baby-proofed. She has a one year old so needs your support not your anger and hurt. Try to understand her perspective and empathise with her or you risk your relationship with them all and may be genuinely excluded. If you can drive then it is much better you visit them, she has a 1 year old who is probably much safer\easier to care for in her home environment than at your house, i imagine their home has been baby proofed but yours probably hasnt, plus driving with a 1 year old is often no fun, she has a baby and you are retired and capable of driving so you should do the travelling, she is probably shattered. Focus on helping not hindering her.

[mummyagainin2016]

Agree with everything else in April's post below about the babysitting and driving though.

[kali110]

I don't think yabu about the classes.
She took you but has a problem with inviting her dad to one?
Yes i think it is unfair that you have to do all the driving but you should give the benefit of the doubt that the baby gets travel sickness.
As for the clue being in 'mother and baby' groups.
What about babies who live with their fathers? Or grandparents? Foster parents?
Do they never go to these groups?
My friend goes to these groups, with her husband.
Nobody bats an eyelid at him.
She even went with her mother the one week when he was at work.
Nobody thought they were strange.

[Hufflepuffin]

I used to go to baby swimming with DD, one of the other mums had a grandma one week and grandpa and grandma the next and her dh watching quite often. They'd take pictures and have conniptions over how talented the baby (age 5 months!!!) was. It felt really over the top! I can imagine she doesn't want to be seen as that mum who brings her parents every where. Baby groups are for mums to make friends, that's going to be harder if she takes her parents every week.

If I were you I would back off for now, and if they are still going in six months or so then your dh could ask to go along. Or just leave it, there will be other opportunities!

[tekeo]

I have PIL who I find controlling, nagging and over invested in our DD's life. So I would definitely back the OP's daughter up if I thought OP was being unfair. But I can't really see why. All it is is a music class. What's wrong with a granddad going along once?

I attend swimming and music and a mum and baby group and grandparents are always tagging along. No one finds it weird. And I don't really get on with my PIL but I'd never exclude them from music class if they asked to come along to watch once.

The only thing I can think of is that the OP's DD doesn't want it to be a regular thing, which I can definitely understand. It would be annoying to have to take someone else along every week (mainly for the mum herself though). But as a one off, it seems a bit mean of her to refuse for her dad to go along to watch.

[Dbsparkles]

I'm surprised by some reactions here. I've never been to a group and thought it was odd if grandparents were there. Why would it be odd to take them? I think it's a real shame she won't let your DH go. My parents don't live close enough to come to any groups with me but I'd love them to come along now and then if they did.

[MrsFrankRicard]

YABU and you are not being excluded. You are not entitled to go to a MOTHER and baby class AGAIN and you are also not entitled to babysit because you want to either. Just make the offer to babysit sometime and then leave it to them and FGS don't mention the music class again! You don't need to let her understand how hurtful her behaviour is because she is NBU and all that will happen is you will drive a wedge between her and you.

[MrsFrankRicard]

I should have also said, I actually wouldn't mind a grandfather watching but you never know, it might make some people feel uncomfortable to have a spectator as they are singing and generally making twats of themselves.

[diddl]

I only ever took mine to the bog standard groups where the babies/kids play & the mums chat & there are a few songs at the end.

Wouldn't have occurred to me to take parents to one of those I don't think although they didn't visit on those days anyway.

This sounds different to that though.

OP, you seem to have built this up into far more than it needs to be.

Obviously things were good enough between you for yourdaughter to take you to the group.

But for whatever reason she doesn't want to take the two of you.

[captainproton]

I reckon this has more to do with the fact that baby groups are full of mums who breastfeed, may even be held in children's centres that promote breastfeeding and are unlikely to want random old men sitting watching, or in fact anyone who is not the parent. They have to have safeguarding procedures in place and I doubt letting older males to these groups is going to go down well. Obviously new dads are different but it's not a spectator sport, you can surely get your grandchild fix elsewhere.