DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

[HurtGranny]

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

[OneMoreCasualty]

Your DD probably meant that people watching but not participating would make the other mums and dads self conscious

YABU saying you are being excluded because you do more of the driving - assume you don't want DGD to be travel sick?!

How often do you see them?

[mummyagainin2016]

Really bobo? Even classes you pay to attend and that operate as profit-making businesess? Would 'discrimination in the provision of goods and services' laws not apply?

[Whatevva]

Still don't see why GF can't sing with gd himself - isn't that the point - enjoy his relationship with her? So much better to do it, rather than watch other people doing it. It would reap far more rewards.

[RictusGrimace]

But if you read the post OneMore OP says 'according to dd' gdg gets travel sick. I think OP does not believe that really. (Hope I'm wrong though)

[lostInTheWash]

Groups for mothers do not legally have to be open to anyone but mothers

I've been to a lot of different groups in several parts of the country - never actually heard anyone claim that.

In fact only cases where I've come across just mothers - no childminders, or GPs or aunts or Dad has been at children centres - they tended to have more specific groups. All the church or preschool groups went to had no such restrictions. Even the school playgroup for children just going into the school nursery were fine with one of GM attendance.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry if this is inappropriate but it does make me think of the 'Cold feet scene at the baby music group'! i saw it before I had kids and I think it stayed with me when I first went to one!

OP glad you came back and hope you are feeling OK.

[lostInTheWash]

mummyagainin2016 may have a point regarding paid for classes as well.

Didn't go to many paid classes but friend who did I know sent Dad's on occasions they couldn't attend and the Dad's could - as the classes did tend to be expensive.

[OneMoreCasualty]

Yesss - if

[blytheandsebastian]

Music groups are not places you can bring an elderly couple to, sorry. Perhaps as a one-off, another female relative can come, but usually you have to be prepared to look silly and come every week. It's not a free for all. This is a paid class like any other and I completely understand why your DD would feel uncomfortable with both parents coming to watch. I would also understand if she feels like you are 'give her an inch and she takes a mile'. She will be less likely to invite you to anything in the future because you don't respect her right to have a life of her own that is hers to invite you into or not, as she chooses. That's not excluding you - she is clearly not excluding you, because she was nice enough to invite you.

You sound a bit of a nightmare to be honest.

[OneMoreCasualty]

...if the DD is feeling not-believed re sickness, that won't help

[blytheandsebastian]

Rhythm and rhyme at the library tends to be more open and easy going - it's not paid for. Why not see if she goes to that.

[Whatevva]

[mummyagainin2016]

blythe it does seem that it's a one-off (or two-off!) that is being discussed, not a weekly, free-for-all, as you suggest.
Why female only? Why not 'elderly'? What if a mum's mum is no longer around or alive but she wants to take her Dad to a one-off class instead? The sex - and age - discrimination in some of these posts is incredible!

[StormyBlue]

Reining things in a bit from protecting vulnerable women, I took my DS to baby sensory and a music group occasionally, you do make a bit of a wally of yourself singing and acting silly at those groups and I admit that I would have been put off by thinking "gosh, I hope he's not making people self conscious" as well if my dad had come and sat at the side watching, especially since I never saw anyone else doing this. We went to Waterbabies where it would have been normal, but that was expensive and was openly welcoming to spectating family members.

We can't really say if the strange old man comment was rude nokid, it depends on whether 'ribbing' is the norm in the family. My family say tongue in cheek joke type insults all the time.

Do you have other reasons to be concerned about being shut out OP? On its own I don't think that this is something to get worried about but I just wonder if there is something else which has made this hit a nerve for you.

[Jux]

I can't think of one group I went to with dd where wider family were really welcome. As a one-off, maybe, but generally not. Mostly because there are restrictions on how many people you can have in these places, but also because if one brings gps, then another does and another and another....

I would only have taken mum if she was round my place at the time I was going anyway, it would certainly never be by arrangement. It smacks a little of when I was teen, arranging to have a meal out with a friend, who then wanted to bring her boyfriend too - not really on, it changes the nature of the arrangement.

[Trooperslane]

Yanbu. That's v odd

[mummyagainin2016]

blythe good suggestion on library rhyme time sessions instead. Assuming they're open to everyone of course, and that they're not conducted in view of any (suspicious) male or elderly people who may be within view of the session, you know, reading the papers or something. I'm sure many of the posters on this thread would find theie mere presence very concerning and would be unable to take part in the session due to feeling so worried and self-conscious. (This is the set-up at our, small, open-plan local library btw!)

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

The request was not unreasonable, but the refusal to accept her saying no was unfortunate (and yes the way she worded it was unkind).

I am surprised you listed the baby being travel sick as part of your grievance. Presumably your DD says that because in fact DGDdoes get travel sick. Why would you doubt that?

Anyway, please try to accept 'No' more gracefully and you may just find your daughter says it less often.

In the meantime, buy your DGD the nicest Mother Goose book and nursery rhyme CD you can find and enjoy singing to her at DD's house.

[LoTeQuiero]

hurtgranny that is so sad. I've done a number of these classes with my DDs and family members were always welcomed.

My parents take little interest in my DDs (NEVER attended anything at their school, for example) and it would mean the world to me if, like you, spending time doing activities with their DGDDs was something they wanted to do and got excited about doing.

[mummyagainin2016]

jux it does seem to be 'occasionally' rather than every time that we're talking about here. I think that's been pretty well established....

[NoSmileToday]

OP you won't win. You are a grandparent as far as mn is concerned you have no rights whatsoever. You have no right to be upset, to want to see lovely moments of your DGC life. You don't have the right to question your DD at all, to express upset or request time with them.

You should stay quietly in the background and only come out when your DD says you can and you must be damn well grateful for it too.

It was easy to see you were just upset as for you wanting to see your DGC enjoy this music lesson was just that nothing more and it felt to you that your DD was being unkind to her dad. When we are upset we say lots of things and it feels raw and very important. Only when we calm down do we see it more rationally.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

OP you won't win. You are a grandparent as far as mn is concerned you have no rights whatsoever. You have no right to be upset, to want to see lovely moments of your DGC life. You don't have the right to question your DD at all, to express upset or request time with them.

You should stay quietly in the background and only come out when your DD says you can and you must be damn well grateful for it too.

Oh come on, that's unfair towards the large majority of posters, I think. Most people are saying OP should think twice before making a lot of this for OP's sake, not out of hostility to grandparents.

[Hatethis22]

I think very little of the kind of grandparent who would expect to be invited only to sit there and not join in.

[mummyagainin2016]

Do we know for certain he wouldn't join in? Not that that seems to be the DD's main objection anyway? If it was, she could just say he could come but only if he joins in.

[Passmethecrisps]

Let's face it - we know very little indeed.

Op posted once with fairly limited information and then hasn't returned. Turning this into a MN Vs grandparents of the world is possibly futile