DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

[HurtGranny]

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

Its just one class not really 'missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood' and you do sound a bit controlling e.g. 'I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter' to me that say's you tried several times to get her to change her mind and come round to your way of thinking rather than respect her decision, no wonder she wont discuss it anymore.

And how many times is the word excluded used? I think it says it all

Yet it is controlling to be 'ever so sad' and want to "let her know how hurt we are" over something so small. Some of you people are being deliberately obtuse and focusing on the request rather than the reaction.

Maybe your daughter sees these groups as her time to d joy with her child and, although happy to take you along as a one off, doesn't want to make it 'a thing'.
Just leave her to it. It sounds like you see plenty of her and your grandchild so focus on that rather than pushing for something your daughter is, for whatever reason, not happy with.

It sounds silly to say that people would be uncomfortable to have a grandad at music group.

We go to a fab music group (sometimes - when I'm not at work!). There are Dads, grandmas, grandads and occasional CM there, not just mums.

However, they do tend to come only one or two at a time, and participate if they are there. I do think it would be odd if there was someone just watching and not joining in. So it depends what your DH is likely to feel comfortable with.

However, I agree, don't push your DD away. Try and do something together that everyone is happy with.

She doesn't want you to go to a mother and baby group (the clue is in the name) and you call this being excluded from her life?
This is your daughter wanting to go and socialise with other new mums and not have to worrying about looking after you.
Keep up this level of interference and emotional manipulation and I am sure you find out exactly what being excluded really means.

My youngest is nearly two and has only just started staying at his grandparents and my eldest is 7 and I can count on my hand how many times he has. Some people just don't like being away from their children for that long. As has been said in a pp, maybe having outsiders is frowned upon? I don't think it is wise to push the matter as it is obviously just making the situation worse

From personal experience, I would say that as someone who wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public, although I did at baby groups, I would have been a bit uncomfortable if there were other adults.i.e not mums there. That's totally my issue but might your DD be thinking along the same lines?

Of course the other mums would feel uncomfortable.

I'd have hated my parents to come to a singing thing with me when my babies were small. Worse still my inlaws. And I wouldn't have liked other people extended families coming along.

I am shite at singing, but enjoyed the group because the DC liked it and it got us out etc etc. If people were spectating I'd have stopped going.

To go against the tide, and to only comment on the class issue, I don't see your request on the class as unreasonable. We've done various classes with my son over the past few years, including music ones. These are not 'mum and baby / toddler' (play) groups btw, (that should really be 'parent and baby' anyway!), but classes you pay for in a block: music, swimming, bay sign language etc. Other attendees have also occasionally brought grandparents or other visintg relatives along. I've always asked the class leader in advance and, they're happy and there's space, then it's fine. I've never been refused. Grandparents only came along occasionally. Say we did 3 terms of something (so about 20 classes in total) each set of grandparents might come along to one session each.

In fact, my ILs are visiting from tomorrow from 4 hrs away and will be going to DS's swimming lesson at the weekend to observe from the poolside. There's no issue as faras the teacher is concerned and I think it's a nice thing for them to do.

That said, I wouldn't make a huge deal out of your daughter's refusal. Your oevrall relationship is too important.

I can't understand how some posters think as soon as you have a child nobody such as GP are allowed to want to spend time with the child. It's all you can hold them, buy them things, look in their general direction only when I say so. I will lay down all the rules including when and how much you are allowed to love my child. If you so much as ask to spend 5 minutes with the child you are controlling and have boundary issues.

My children are the apple of their gps eye and I would never ever try to stop that. My children are dealing with the loss of their gf only 2 days ago and I am so thankful they have some wonderful memories of the time he spent with them. To me that's what is important.

Could she be worried that this will become a regular event? I attended those groups as much for me as for my dd - I needed the adult company, the chance for a blether and possibly make a pal. If you can her dad are there your dd may miss out on that stage of her motherhood.

Also I cannot think of one group I went to where grandparents were there. She may be worried about being seen to be odd.

Try to relax and enjoy being grandparents without crowding dd.

Often classes like that do have limited space and it really would be looked sideways to take 2 adults for one child let alone 3. And if it is titled "mother and baby" then no, it isn't appropriate.

It's certainly more than possible that the leader had a word and said "sorry, but we can't accommodate more than one adult per child". And she may be embarrassed about it. I've certainly been at groups where there have been ridiculous number of adults for one or two children, meaning that ultimately the children are missing out.

Sorry but I think you are probably being unreasonable here. It's a 'mother and baby' group. Have you considered that some of those mothers might feel uncomfortable having strangers watching them? The 'glaring from the sidelines' comment - was that verbatim? Does your husband glare (or has a resting face that appears to be glaring)?

Does the baby get travel sick? Lots of babies do, would you really want them to travel to you and make your DGD sick? Really?

As for babysitting - I don't think my son was 'babysat' by his grandparents until he was about three. It just wasn't necessary so I never asked. It does not reflect on their abilities to babysit.

"I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter."
Be honest - you badgered her. You nagged. You refused to accept her answer, the answer of an autonomous adult. If you'd done that to me, I'd be refusing to discuss the matter with you too.

"I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?"
I mean this kindly, I really do. But you need to get a grip. She is not excluding you and if you are hurt you need to give yourself a shake. Your daughter is an adult and your DGD is her DD - and that means she's in charge. Stop treating her like a toddler who must do as mummy says and start having an adult to adult relationship with your daughter. Otherwise, she'd be perfectly reasonable to start excluding her unreasonable mother from her daughter's life.

NoSmile, but these grandparents are spending time with their DGD.

They see her a lot, from what it seems.

The OP is dramatising it because the GF is not permitted to go to a music class - and has clearly created an almighty fuss about it, to the extent the DD no longer wants to discuss it.

Some of you people are being deliberately obtuse and focusing on the request rather than the reaction.

I wasn't being obtuse deliberately! But yes I wasn't answering the OP. Agree maybe you should look at the bigger picture - nothing you mentioned in your OP sounds at all unusual to me re your DD's choice not to leave her baby with you yet etc. The only thing that is a little strange to me is not wanting your DH at the class, but then it isn't a big thing is it really? And maybe she has her reasons as a pp said - who knows? I wouldn't lose my shit over it basically.

I'm not overly keen on taking my DM to things with my friends as she says things I find cringeworthy. Obviously my DM doesn't see that at all and thinks she is making normal conversation. If it is something like that then you wouldn't have any awareness of it as whatever behaviour she dislikes is something you think is fine.

I think it would be odd to go to sit and watch a mother and baby group. I think it's a shame that you can't go if you wanted to, but your reaction is very ott.

You're playing victim and calling your own dd awful because she won't include you in one little thing that is not an inclusion style activity, like a nativity or something.

You sound lovely and caring. Your gd is very lucky.

www.gransnet.com/forums/

Baby groups are not magical, honestly.

Does your DH actually want to go?

HurtGranny I think it is perfectly nice to want to go and to ask to go. But you did ask and were told no.

It may be because it is not the sort of group for bystanders and your daughter would feel uncomfortable with you there. perhaps she feels you would not join in and that would look odd, but maybe she feels you joining in would look odd! Who knows. But it is her choice.

My experience has been baby singing groups do tend to be way more intense than regular toddler groups. Anything labelled 'mum and a baby' tends to be just that, loads of mums and babies, breastfeeding and intense singing activities (ugh). Toddler groups tend to me mums, dad, grandparents, child minders, tea and cake, maybe a story and craft and a lot more fun (IMHO). You may find an invite to these one day.

But if you push your dd away, make this the b all and end all, then you may not.

I also think her comment about him glaring suggests that either he has done this in the past or she feels he will, and so before working on getting time with your grandchild i would encourage your husband to spend quality time with your daughter and maybe her mood will soften. Having a new baby changes a lot. It has changed your family dynamic but you must get used to this and work with it, you will not make her change her views by 'guilting' her into it (making her feel guilty because you and your husband are so upset) and in the long run it may backfire badly if she feels you will not accept no for an answer.

I immediately thought this must be a reverse post, but no one else seems to, so I expect I'm wrong.
Reading between the lines, it seems to me that your dd is trying to carve out her own life and needs to hold back from you. You seem to be making a huge deal out if what most would see as a small event, so does your dd find you over the top maybe, making a big deal out of small things?
If you asked her about going and she said no, why did you keep on about it? Surely that would drive her away. It was disrespectful, you asked, she said no. Why would you feel it was OK to keep on about it?

perhaps she feels you I mean both of you...

Sorry but yabu and come across as overly demanding. It is not your dd's- or gc's role to provide you with an 'experience'.

Sorry offallthenerve my post wasn't aimed at you. More so the posters scoffing at the idea of OP being controlling. Asking to be included isn't unreasonable at all. It's the way she has reacted over being refused. It's just so dramatic and needless.
I don't see how people can't see how controlling it is to throw your toys out the pram just because your adult daughter has turned down a request on reasonable grounds.