DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

[HurtGranny]

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

It's just a baby activity. And I don't really see the need for other members of the family attending. I think you should be asked to babysit though. I don't think not letting you come to this activity is excluding you from your DG's life. You need to get a grip otherwise you will come over as too demanding. I agree with getting other interests in life.

hurtgranny not coming back then? Obviously not getting the responses she wanted.

FWIW I think a bit more appreciating that she took you, and a little less poor little me would go a loooong way. It's not so much controlling, as you not even considering her point of view. M&B is one of those things that really is for the mother, or the main caregiver. It's an opportunity to get out of the house and socialise with others in the same situation. Taking extended family along really isnt the norm.

I think we all need to get this in perspective. Yes, the OP shouldn't be guilt-tripping her daughter on this and making such a fuss but I maintain that her initial request and her husband's, wasn't unusual, weird, over bearing or anything else being suggested by some here. I think if the OP had been more specific about what type of class it is, it would have been helpful for this thread. I totally get that her daughter wouldn't want to be committing herself to having them both go along every week but I don't think that's what the OP was asking or angling for...? As for the inference from one poster that if this one-off were allowed, classes would be full of extra adults every week, each child bringing at least two extra adults and the older males being 'unchecked' - good grief!! I'm pretty risk averse but that latter point is just crazy, and I'm pretty certain no class would allow that many extra adults to attend on a regular basis.

If, as some suggest, the OP's daughter is worried about upsetting or making uncomfortable any vulnerable or BFing mums who also attend the class, or if extra adults attending is frowned upon by the class organiser, then why not just say so?

I think the OP's daughter handled it badly initially with a clumsy answer and the OP has made it worse by keeping on and seeming over-bearing.

I have been to hundreds of these baby classes over the years and I would have felt very uncomfortable having spectators there, male or female, old or young, I feel stupid enough sitting there singing alongside all the people who are joining in without having people who aren't participating sitting watching.

Your dd did a very kind thing by allowing you to go once, but it sounds like you are now badgering her into allowing your dh to go, not much wonder she has now switched off.

If you carry on as you are you will be totally excluded from your dgds life, please don't let it get that far.

The classes I've been to - and took GPs to occasionally - must have been very unusual then. Aside from the class I did with DS when he was 3-4mths old (and which no extra adults ever attended, due to not being allowed, most likley due to the age of the babies....) no babies (older babies that is) were constantly BFing (very rarely at all in fact. Most were engrossed in the class and waited until it ended to feed, if at all), the adults accompanying the child weren't just mums but included dads, nannies and childminders too (1 per child of course!) who would I'm sure have been gutted to know that most people, judging by this thread, view these classes as being 'for mum and baby bonding only'.... Extra adults attending was very much a one-off thing and when it happened, they were made to feel welcome, not like possibly perverted saddos.....

Not gone, just thinking. Thank you for your responses. My DD's main problem seems to be that her father wouldn't join in, he'd just watch from the back. I don't see why this would be an issue personally but clearly a lot of you agree with her. Lots to consider. Perhaps I will talk to her and suggest a family concert instead. It does seem a little silly to get so upset over this I suppose, it just felt rather personal at the time.

(It's not specifically a mother and baby class. Wrong wording on my part although dads rarely attend).

A family concert is a great alternative OP. There should be a few happening with Christmas coming up too.

Why would "of course" the other mums feel uncomfortable? What a ridiculous comment to make when you don't know any of them, I assume.

I'd be hurt too.

For the love of God, let it go.

Your DD has said no, you've kept pushing the issue until she won't even discuss it anymore. You agree that your DH wouldn't even join in!

Re-reading my OP it does sound quite dramatic. I've been very measured in my conversations with DD but clearly let my creative flair get the better of me when writing the post!!

I suspect the OP has run a mile.

If you are still there, try to see this as an opportunity where you can show your daughter that you can support her wishes. There'll be plenty of other opportunities for you both to join in, unless you make such a big deal out of this that she backs off completely.

Good luck, and I hope this thread wasn't too difficult to read.

"My DD's main problem seems to be that her father wouldn't join in"

Well I think that she has a point.

And even if you don't think that she has, it really isn't up to you.

Yes, this is the sort of thing that I would much more readily have taken my mum to but not my dad, I think.

This is the most relevant post

Groups like this often include vulnerable mothers guided to them by professionals. Your DD may know of mothers there with PND, DA survivors, struggling to bond and interact with their baby, and an observer particularly a male observer watching them, (different from a dad participating alone with his child) may have a big effect on how relaxed they feel and able to interact with their baby.

So very very true from my own personal experience. This isn't about you. It's about other People.

Additionally, I have never understood the obsession with babysitting - so many other ways to help but my relatives kept insisting that they should babysit so I could "go out". It wasn't what I needed. They weren't thinking about my needs or my children - they were thinking of their own needs only. But cooking a nice meal or doing a grocery shop would have been a god send and welcomed. Perhaps it's just too soon. You need to play the long game here and develop a long term relationship based on respecting the way she has chosen to parent her child.

Oh, x-post.

A concert sounds like a lovely activity for you to do together, as long as it's one where toddlers don't have to sit quietly for too long!

I'm outgoing and confident (and am a primary school teacher, so used to making a fool of myself singing/doing actions etc) but I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable with someone sitting observing either.

Once your DD sees that she can be confident that you won't fight her on every issue, she'll snap your hand off for babysitting. Speaking from experience, that is!

Woah! Your reaction is ridiculous.

Its up to your dd who she invites to what and I suggest that if this level of melodrama and investment is typical (being excluded from dgd's life) then I don't blame her wanting to keep you at arms length.

dgd is your dd's daughter not just your granddaughter. Was your own mother as over bearing as this? Did you like that? Or did you want to do things your way with your own kids?

A family concert would be lovely for all of you to attend together. It might be worth looking for some carols around the christmas tree types of events, if that sort of thing floats your boat.

YABU - its lovely that you want to be involved but this is OTT. Maybe she just wants one to one time with baby and friends. Not everything has to be shared with grandparents.

You need to get a grip re the excluded part - she took you didn't she?

hurtgranny I hope you are OK. There are lots of comments here and I hope you can seethe useful ones in the middle of all this. All the best.

As other posters have pointed out, this is a mother and baby group that you are talking about. It's not a spectator activity and, to be honest, your DD was pushing the boundaries a bit by taking you, the grandmother, along just the once.

Dear god the responses to this sort of stuff astounds me 😯

She invited her mum so clearly it wasn't mothers and babies only. Granddad watching would make people feel uncomfortable? Really? Calling her dad a strange old man? Controlling because they want to be a part of something new to them? And did someone really ask the OP how much time she spends looking after her 80 year old husband? How bloody rude is that?

What's so difficult about saying "sorry mum I can swing it once so you can see it but they don't really like extras there all the time, I'll do a little video of baby singing/dancing to show dad later"

Kind and polite and probably true.

I wouldn't dream of speaking to my parents like that or of treating my (very healthy very independent) 96 year old mother in law with such disdain!

'mother and baby' coming up yet again. It's not a newborn massage class, a BFing support group, or a Surestart parentcraft class FGS!! OP, please tell us what the class is called, or is similar to? The fact is that due to societal structures, Monkey Music, Little Notes, even Music with Mummy (!) might be much more likely to be attended by mums and their little ones, but they are open - and legally have to be - to anyone caring for a child: mums, dads, grandparents, child minders, nannies etc. The additional adults attending may or may not be an issue, depending on the class in question, but can we stop pretending that they're somehow the exclusive preserve of vulnerable, EBFing mums?!!!

nokidshere !!

Groups for mothers do not legally have to be open to anyone but mothers.

nokidshere taken alone I agree with you but on this occasion I just think the whole first post sounds really entitled and overbearingly dramatic.

If this is a total one off then I agree the dd is being unreasonable. But it just doesn't read this way. To me, the back story is that the gps are never satisfied with the amount of contact with dgd and making the mistake of thinking this is 'their second time around'

I think that depends on the group BoboChic

I have been to a few where GDad took DC but they were main carer at that time, it is more usual for it to be GM or SAHD/PT or Mums than GDads. I've been to others where GM along with Mother attend - more usual if more than one DC. I have taken as one off MIL - with no issues and DH had tagged along few occasions as have other DP with their main carers . It does depend on the group and the size of the rooms.

Some of the more fun groups have been a mix of people and ages - GP and Dads as well - but that possibly because everyone joined in. I have attended groups where it was frowned on to bring others - usually more children centre and often partly due to space.

In this case it does sound more like an organised class - which is slightly different.

The main thing is the daughter has deemed it inappropriate to take her Dad and that should really be the end of it.

family concert - does sound like a good idea to float past your DD OP.