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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague making remarks about my breasts....

203 replies

Weathergames · 23/11/2015 22:47

Ok I know I'm not being U - more of a WWYD.

Posted about this guy last week - he's a prize prat who is very lazy, unpopular very "David Brent". I feel senior management have been trying to get rid of him for years but he never quite gives them enough rope to hang him with. A fair few of us would not be sad to see him go as he takes the piss and gives our team a bad name.

He is trying to get me to sign something to support his bid to be union rep for my Union and I have politely said no which is won't take for an answer and he actually tried to almost hoodwink me into "just signing this for me" today (luckily I had the heads up from another colleague).

He is married with children as am I - have worked together for 7 yrs so quite "familiar" I guess and I like (pity) his DW.

Couple of weeks ago (just he and I in the office) he remarks on how "huge your tits look" in that top and how he had "never realised how huge they are, how I must get a bad back and how OH is a lucky man" I was shocked and a bit mortified so quickly changed the subject without commenting (hoping it was obvious I was uncomfortable) - I am not a prude but feel uncomfortable around him for the rest of the day.

He tried to open up the conversation again but I didn't engage.

I tried to mention it to my manager but she kind of brushed it aside (her manager hates him and I know is looking for any excuse to get rid of him).

Then today he brings it up again (alone again) and mentions how huge my 16 yr old DDs "tits" also are and again says he hadn't realised how "huge mine were" until "I wore that tight top" (it wasn't tight).

My colleagues want me to take this further (and I suspect nail the final nail in his coffin) but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself - but I just felt so bloody awkward I also don't want the hassle and horrible atmosphere of it - and do I want to be responsible for someone losing their job?

He is a manager so well aware of sexual harassment policies.

So do I wait for my next opportunity and tell him or just hang him out to dry Confused

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 23/11/2015 22:48

Hang him out to dry. Nobody has the right to do that to anyone. Prize twat. And he didn't realise he was wrong afte pr the first time, but tried to have the same chat again? Loser.

LindyHemming · 23/11/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddSocksHighHeels · 23/11/2015 22:50

Complain. Him losing his job is not your fault, he has no right to say that and you know it. And talking about your 16yo DD? Shock Fucking creep.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 23/11/2015 22:50

He sounds absolutely vile.
Don't do him any favours do what feels right to you. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Maybe practise what you will say to him next time e.g. it is completely imappropriate for you to make remarks about my breasts. That is the 3rd time so I will have to report it to management.

wasonthelist · 23/11/2015 22:51

What planet is he from? Has he had his eyes and ears taped up since the early 70's when the last thing he saw was "on the Buses"??? FFS. No excuse.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 23/11/2015 22:51

Actually miss out the 'so'.

TurnOffTheTv · 23/11/2015 22:53

You don't want the hassle? He's been talking about your teenage daughters 'tits' and you're the one that feels uncomfortable?

CookieWarbler · 23/11/2015 22:53

Your colleagues are right and you should definitely report him. Don't feel awkward for not challenging him yourself, he put you in an awful position with his smutty and inappropriate comments, he also waited until you were alone so I'm not surprised you didn't challenge him!
Sexist twats like him need calling out and you can do it. Please speak to your HR department.
Good luck!

Berthatydfil · 23/11/2015 22:56

He's obviously doing it when you and him are alone so there are no witnesses.
Thus any complaint would be your word against his.
His comments to you are offensive and constitute sexual harassment, and those about your daughter are even worse.
You could email him to say you have found his comments on x y and z occasions offensive and his comments about your daughter worse.
He could possibly deny saying them or possibly admit but the minimise or say you misunderstood or he could apologise.
If he does admit then you have evidence to go to management with.
If he denies it then you can still go to management, but it would be more difficult to progress a complaint.
Good luck he sounds awful

GiraffesAndButterflies · 23/11/2015 22:57

I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself

Even if you'd blushed and thanked him, that would not preclude you from complaining about his complete inappropriateness. He was way out of line, you don't have to have reacted a certain way at the time in order to now make a fully justified complaint.

Leelu6 · 23/11/2015 23:06

I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself.

Not sure i get the logic of not doing something now because you din't challenge him.

Please report him. Think of the next woman he will harass if he is unchallenged.

treaclesoda · 23/11/2015 23:09

If he loses his job that would be entirely his responsibility, not yours. Don't feel obliged to protect him.

Bunbaker · 23/11/2015 23:11

He sounds like an utter tosser. The fact that you haven't challenged him has, in his view, given him the go ahead to make more crass and inappropriate remarks. Making remarks like this about your daughter is worrying as well.

A boy at DD's school made inappropriate remarks about her boobs and I reported him. The school took my complaint seriously as should your manager.

You absolutely have to report him. How many other women does he make these remarks to?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 23/11/2015 23:14

And he wants to be a union rep Shock

Translator1000 · 23/11/2015 23:23

Yes absolutely report him. He sounds utterly vile - and as for saying anything about your dd AngryAngryAngry. How would he feel if some amoeba like pathetic excuse for a human being said the same about any daughter of his AngryAngry.

In fact he is so vile I am almost wondering if this thread is made up Confused.

GruntledOne · 23/11/2015 23:24

He didn't need to be challenged by you, he must have known that his conduct was utterly inappropriate. Report him now.

Original poster
Weathergames · 23/11/2015 23:26

He said something to do one he line managed once about "working in a building full of large breasted ladies" referring to her she was a bit bolder than me though and said "you are one comment away from a phone call to HR".

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 23/11/2015 23:26

Someone sorry

OP posts:
OneMoreCasualty · 23/11/2015 23:28

Complain complain complain. This is persistent and escalating.

Pandora97 · 23/11/2015 23:34

WTF?! It's bad enough that he's commenting on your breasts but your daughter's??? I mean he might think it (which is disgusting enough, perving over a 16 year old, eurgh) but who the hell says something like that to the girl's mother?! Shock He's either deliberately trying to wind you up in a very nasty way or the guy has got serious issues. As in bordering on raging pervert issues. That is so socially inappropriate and if he's unable to keep thoughts like that to himself then I'd be worried about what else he's capable of.

Don't for one minute feel guilty about him losing his job. He made sexual comments about your CHILD for god's sake. Your not yet an adult child. Yes, it will be horrible for his wife but that frankly isn't your problem.

And I think you did the right not saying anything to him at the time. It would have achieved precisely nothing. He'd just accuse you of over reacting, would probably say it was just a bit of "banter" and leave you feeling stupid. The only way people like this learn is if you go over their head and he loses his job or is at least given a severe warning to shape up or ship out. Don't let this guy get away with it for a second longer. It sounds like you've got all your colleagues' backing which is often half the battle. If they support you, then hopefully you'll have a much stronger case.

Original poster
Weathergames · 23/11/2015 23:37

Exactly that - I think he thinks it is banter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 23/11/2015 23:38

Worst thing is - we work with teenagers Hmm

OP posts:
4China · 23/11/2015 23:41

Protect those teenagers please. Report the sleazy fucking creep.

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 23:48

Make that phonecall. Tell HR you are tired of such behaviour and want to make a formal complaint. You don't need to protect such idiots. He'll fall on his feet elsewhere, you know they usually do - or they would simply stop doing it, having learned a lesson the first time.

Sparkyduchess · 23/11/2015 23:55

Report him. All you need to do is relate your posts here to HR. He sounds awful, and you have the chance to stop him intimidating others if you do something. Good luck!