Colleague making remarks about my breasts....

[Weathergames]

Ok I know I'm not being U - more of a WWYD.

Posted about this guy last week - he's a prize prat who is very lazy, unpopular very "David Brent". I feel senior management have been trying to get rid of him for years but he never quite gives them enough rope to hang him with. A fair few of us would not be sad to see him go as he takes the piss and gives our team a bad name.

He is trying to get me to sign something to support his bid to be union rep for my Union and I have politely said no which is won't take for an answer and he actually tried to almost hoodwink me into "just signing this for me" today (luckily I had the heads up from another colleague).

He is married with children as am I - have worked together for 7 yrs so quite "familiar" I guess and I like (pity) his DW.

Couple of weeks ago (just he and I in the office) he remarks on how "huge your tits look" in that top and how he had "never realised how huge they are, how I must get a bad back and how OH is a lucky man" I was shocked and a bit mortified so quickly changed the subject without commenting (hoping it was obvious I was uncomfortable) - I am not a prude but feel uncomfortable around him for the rest of the day.

He tried to open up the conversation again but I didn't engage.

I tried to mention it to my manager but she kind of brushed it aside (her manager hates him and I know is looking for any excuse to get rid of him).

Then today he brings it up again (alone again) and mentions how huge my 16 yr old DDs "tits" also are and again says he hadn't realised how "huge mine were" until "I wore that tight top" (it wasn't tight).

My colleagues want me to take this further (and I suspect nail the final nail in his coffin) but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself - but I just felt so bloody awkward I also don't want the hassle and horrible atmosphere of it - and do I want to be responsible for someone losing their job?

He is a manager so well aware of sexual harassment policies.

So do I wait for my next opportunity and tell him or just hang him out to dry

Ye Gads. Seriously? Of course you should report him

I also do not understand what your dilemna is to be honest.

This is so clear cut.

I really cannot relate to your hesitation.

Agree with others OP- seriously report this creep.
Do not feel responsible he is responsible for his behaviour and the creepy things he's said no one else.

Whilst I agree I should report it (although I am kicking myself for not calling him up on it at least the second time and yes I was upset and angry that he mentioned my DD) this is not a safeguarding issue.

He met my DD at a social event once (other colleagues were there too).

I have never had concerns about his conduct around young people (his comments while inappropriate were said to me, an adult, not around young people) if I had I would have reported him in a flash.

This is not a police issue. He may well have inappropriate thoughts (he has never said anything inappropriate about any child we work with) but I have never seen him act inappropriately - we cannot police his thoughts (unfortunately) however uncomfortable that makes us.

I am not good with confrontation but I feel a bit sly not pulling him up on it and then going straight to management that's all - and he and I often work alone together and I guess he thinks we have a "friendship".

I agree with Eminado. Why are you faffing about? He needs to be reported asap. It's very concerning as you both work with teenagers as well. How sick is it thinking of leering at young girls in that way.

Do you have any idea what he says to those teenagers when he's alone with them?

He did it in private with you. I'd expect he wouldn't do it in public with those even more vulnerable.

Fair point Lewji.

Not often alone with them but yes.

It sounds as if you are defending him now.

Sod whether he thinks there's a friendship or not. He could be saying similar to these teenagers when there's no-one around. He's in a position of trust.

But even if he's clean as a whistle around them he has behaved totally inappropriately towards you and that is enough.

Xpost with lewji

He has made you uncomfortable. Why are you so worried about his feelings? It isn't sly to report something completely inappropriate.

Women are conditioned from childhood into thinking that we mustn't make a fuss because it is oh so embarassing for the poor man, he doesn't really realise he is being inappropriate etc etc

He is an adult, of course he realises he is being inappropriate (and if he doesn't, well, it is time he learned).

We can never break the cycle of women having to accept this behaviour until we can convince ourselves that their discomfort is not our responsibility.

It's only considered banter if it's found funny and acceptable by both parties. In this case, he's clearly just being a massive slimy perv and you should totally report him to HR. If you know the other colleague he did it to, maybe you could go together - strength in numbers?

Which is worse for your 'friendship' (which presumably you don't want anyway), reporting his vile comments, or making them?

Reporting him is the correct thing to do. You don't need to worry about your behaviour.

I'd love someone to do this to me at work.

I'd quit and claim sexual harassment. Do it hun, get him.

Hang him out to dry.

he's chosen to be inappropriate. he knows it's inappropriate because he waits until you're alone.

i too think he's very capable of being inappropriate to teenagers, and also when he's alone with them. he's an idiot, but not that much of an idiot.

i think you do need to report him. i know it's hard. but just remember he chose to do this.

You have no idea what he's said to any of these teenagers when he's been alone with them. Fact is, if you let him get away with it now, he may well start to think he can get away with it with them too.

Worry less about his feelings and more about those vulnerable teenagers, who should not be subjected to such comments, of even thoughts of this nature.

Men like this dress this up as "banter" (god I hate that term) to make us doubt ourselves and make us look like we're making a fuss over nothing. It's never appropriate to make remarks like this, and he needs to be pulled up in this before he starts doing it to others including those teenagers you work with. Or your daughter should he happen to see her again.

What are you waiting for OP? Get on with it!

Firstly, you need to find the confidence to report him.

Secondly, document it! Write down the times and dates it happened in a diary and if it happens again, add to it.

I also think, if you can, you should record him at it. That way it will be less "your word against his".

You seriously need to hang this guy out to dry. I know you think he isn't a safeguarding issue, but if he can comment on your DD as he did what is stopping him from passing comment to the children you work with when he is alone with them?

You owe him nothing! He was talking about your daughter in a sexual way, why does it sound like you are trying to minimise what he's done?

OP I know it's tough when someone you thought was friendly and tryst worthy isn't, but we will support you.

Tell HR. If they think it's "nothing" (unlikely!!!) it will go no further. At the very least, it'll be on record for the next time he does it - which he will.

This I would report. It is disgraceful.
I would also keep your phone handy on your desk and record the next time he does it.

And how dare he involve your daughter!!!

I have always liked a bit of slightly sexy banter at work but it has to be mutual. This is not banter - it is sexual harassment. It is rude, intimidating and just horrible.

This has brought back a memory of when I was in my teens and working in a supermarket. I was waking down an aisle to take my turn as a packer on the checkout and the manager, standing by the checkout commented on on how big my breasts were and how one was lower than the other. I was 14. I went scarlet. I was so humiliated. I had to keep walking down the aisle. I did nothing. I can still feel my face burning when I think of it.

By the way - when I say I enjoy a bit of "banter" at work - I mean flirting, a bit of a joke.. I don't like men minimising rudeness or verbal abuse or bullying as "banter" - it is not the same thing at all.

Please report asap. And I'm sorry, I do think this is a safeguarding issue, or rather, a potential safeguarding issue.

I work in the safeguarding arena, and I really don't make comments like that lightly. he has chosen to make remarks (wholly inappropriate and sexual remarks) like that to you, who presumably is not vulnerable, and has also chosen to make remarks about your teenage daughter. Do you really believe that he is not capable of making such remarks to a vulnerable teenager? I don't. I know you have not said that they are specifically vulnerable young people, but there will also be those who are more vulnerable amongst them, for a variety of reason. Also, you could consider them all potentially vulnerable as he is in a position of power.

At best, he is an ignorant, sexist man who needs a great deal of retraining. At worst he has dangerous, predatory behaviour.