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Original poster

Colleague making remarks about my breasts....

203 replies

Weathergames · 23/11/2015 22:47

Ok I know I'm not being U - more of a WWYD.

Posted about this guy last week - he's a prize prat who is very lazy, unpopular very "David Brent". I feel senior management have been trying to get rid of him for years but he never quite gives them enough rope to hang him with. A fair few of us would not be sad to see him go as he takes the piss and gives our team a bad name.

He is trying to get me to sign something to support his bid to be union rep for my Union and I have politely said no which is won't take for an answer and he actually tried to almost hoodwink me into "just signing this for me" today (luckily I had the heads up from another colleague).

He is married with children as am I - have worked together for 7 yrs so quite "familiar" I guess and I like (pity) his DW.

Couple of weeks ago (just he and I in the office) he remarks on how "huge your tits look" in that top and how he had "never realised how huge they are, how I must get a bad back and how OH is a lucky man" I was shocked and a bit mortified so quickly changed the subject without commenting (hoping it was obvious I was uncomfortable) - I am not a prude but feel uncomfortable around him for the rest of the day.

He tried to open up the conversation again but I didn't engage.

I tried to mention it to my manager but she kind of brushed it aside (her manager hates him and I know is looking for any excuse to get rid of him).

Then today he brings it up again (alone again) and mentions how huge my 16 yr old DDs "tits" also are and again says he hadn't realised how "huge mine were" until "I wore that tight top" (it wasn't tight).

My colleagues want me to take this further (and I suspect nail the final nail in his coffin) but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself - but I just felt so bloody awkward I also don't want the hassle and horrible atmosphere of it - and do I want to be responsible for someone losing their job?

He is a manager so well aware of sexual harassment policies.

So do I wait for my next opportunity and tell him or just hang him out to dry Confused

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 23/11/2015 23:55

Well one of my favourite sayings is that a joke is only a joke when everyone finds it funny. Many bullies dress up unpleasant comments as jokes or banter and bake it the other persons fault when they don't appreciate it or find it funny.
If you find it offensive you find it offensive you don't have to validate that to anyone. It's possible to say something like a misplaced joke and inadvertently offend another person but what a normal person does is apologise and never do it again,

To be honest he sounds a sleaze and saying such things about your daughter when you actually work with teenagers is highly inappropriate and you should report it to your management. If he was to say something to one of your clients it might end up being a safeguarding concern and you might be in a difficult position if you had knowledge of prior remarks and had not disclosed.

Pandora97 · 23/11/2015 23:58

I'm sure he does think it's banter. Creeps like that always do. He probably can't understand why you don't enjoy his compliments or find it funny. Hmm

As for the teenagers.....bloody hell! Please, please report him. That is really quite disturbing.

SummerNights1986 · 23/11/2015 23:58

If it was just comments about/to me then i'd probably have waited until he mentioned it again and told him to fuck off and one more comment would result in me reporting him.

The fact that he mentioned your dd...i'd be hammering in that final nail with fucking glee.

ohtheholidays · 24/11/2015 00:00

He referred to one of your children in a sexual way and your not sure what to do.

I think I'd have had to be dragged of the arse if he talked about one of my DD's in that way.Bloody report him,get him the sack and make sure that your employers get intouch with the appropriate people as that arse should never be allowed to work near any children ever again no matter what they're age!

Flashbangandgone · 24/11/2015 00:09

You really must report this sleaze bag... Making sexual
Innuendo about you was bad enough, but your daughter!

FabergeEggs · 24/11/2015 00:18

I am astonished that you have twice buckled under the sexual comments from this man and not even making desultory remarks about your daughter's breasts has jarred you into action. What does it take for you to stand up to people?

Marshy · 24/11/2015 00:19

How come he knows your daughter?

He sounds like a sleazebag.

JassyRadlett · 24/11/2015 00:23

OP, by reporting him you're not responsible for him losing his job.

He's the only person responsible for the consequences of his actions.

His comments about you are awful. His comments about your DD are horrific, even if you didn't work with teenagers.

ExBallerina · 24/11/2015 00:25

Ugh, the comment about your daughter is just horrible. I'd have snapped.

Report him. He can't and shouldn't be doing this. There's a reason he's doing it when you're alone

I'm not one to usually say this, but think of the teenage girls, and your daughter, and imagine if he said it to them.

What a scumbag.

toffeeboffin · 24/11/2015 00:42

Why haven't you reported him? Are you scared of him?

Go to HR immediately OP, this is sexual harassment.

Lord above.

Canyouforgiveher · 24/11/2015 00:48

Is this for real? You are not sure what to do? If someone said this to me at work, I'd be down to HR/manager so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. The comment about your daughter might possibly have had someone checking whether the police should be called. He is horrible and awful and trying to intimidate you/sexually harass you verbally and frankly I see the comment about your daughter as a threat.

Christ just saw you and he work with teenagers. I think you have a duty to report that you must take very seriously.

Fatmomma99 · 24/11/2015 00:53

I was with Berthatydfi's comment (on page 1) before I twigged you work with teenagers.

So - his comments to you, whilst you are alone. Deniable. So Berthatydfi is right... Send him an email naming it and see how he responds.
That advice is good and right (I think!), but that was before I knew he worked with teenagers.

Commenting on the breasts of a teenager by someone who works with teenagers means he should not, for a single second, work with teenagers. Drop and discard his comments to you. You HAVE to report his comments about your teenager. That alone rules him out of working with kids.

Union Rep... He's having a laugh. I want to punch him - I was this for many years and very proud.

Lweji · 24/11/2015 00:54

He knows it's not, and quite frankly I'd think it's a form of harassment for you not signing on his bid.

The way you stand up to him is by reporting him to HR.

and not replying what a huge dick he is

dangerrabbit · 24/11/2015 01:02

Send the email outlining exactly what he said about you and your DDs breasts and CC it to your manager and your manager's manager (who you said is looking for a reason to sack him?!)
Or leave him out and just email management and HR?

EBearhug · 24/11/2015 01:46

I would just report to HR. He's a manager - he should have some idea about harassing behaviour. He's trying to be a union rep - he should have a very clear idea about harassing behaviour and protted characteristics etc. And then you say he works with teenagers too, and he's been commenting about your daughter - that's bad.

Your colleagues all say you should report him. Everyone here says you should report him. You shouldn't be in any doubt about what to do.

Baconyum · 24/11/2015 01:57

Report! And not just to hr. Also union and in your position I'd be discussing this guy with the police this guy is seriously off!

spondulix · 24/11/2015 03:01

Beyond inappropriate, even before you got to the bit about working with teenagers! Report and let him hang. Please.

awfullyproper · 24/11/2015 05:59

Email him. Tell him how upset his comments made you. Tell him that you would like an apology. It's then up to him to refute them. Do thus before going to HR. Do this in case he denies everything. Do this today, this morning.
When he replies, hopefully with a half hearted apology or shrug, forward it to HR.
I missed the bit about him working with teenagers. He has to go.

Senpai · 24/11/2015 06:10

Report him. You are not responsible for the consequences of someone else's bad behavior. If he gets fired it's because his behavior lead him to it, not because you told on him.

Although, I'd maybe take a moment to consider how other team member will react. I complained about a colleague for something that was a genuine reason to complain about and I just got pegged as getting them in trouble, instead of considering their behavior was appalling and that was the reason they were in trouble. I ended up leaving after they successfully spread gossip around the entire office, and made it a juicy scandal instead of a simple low key complaint. Then the branch got shut down shortly after I left because surprisingly an office too focused on petty gossip and passive aggressive games with each other wasn't focused enough on meeting their profit requirements.

Sometimes shit workplaces are shit workplaces, and you're better off looking around for different jobs.

Stimpack · 24/11/2015 06:44

Report him to work but not to the police as they will not be interested.

SarahSavesTheDay · 24/11/2015 06:50

OP, why haven't you simply reported him?

I don't understand why you need anyone's counsel.

Eachleechsparethumb · 24/11/2015 07:15

This is a safeguarding issue for the teenagers you work with if they are under 18. You need to report this man, otherwise you are complicit.

Bunbaker · 24/11/2015 07:26

You would be failing in your duty of care towards the teenagers by not reporting him. he is probably perving over them anyway.

Bunbaker · 24/11/2015 07:28

Incidentally, we had someone at work who started with us a couple of years ago. Within a fortnight he was perving over the curvy women in the office. He lasted three weeks. So many people had complained about him that the management had no reason not to believe them.

GingerIvy · 24/11/2015 07:28

If he really thought it was "banter" then he wouldn't wait until you were alone to mention it. Report him to work and do not back down.