Colleague making remarks about my breasts....

[Weathergames]

Ok I know I'm not being U - more of a WWYD.

Posted about this guy last week - he's a prize prat who is very lazy, unpopular very "David Brent". I feel senior management have been trying to get rid of him for years but he never quite gives them enough rope to hang him with. A fair few of us would not be sad to see him go as he takes the piss and gives our team a bad name.

He is trying to get me to sign something to support his bid to be union rep for my Union and I have politely said no which is won't take for an answer and he actually tried to almost hoodwink me into "just signing this for me" today (luckily I had the heads up from another colleague).

He is married with children as am I - have worked together for 7 yrs so quite "familiar" I guess and I like (pity) his DW.

Couple of weeks ago (just he and I in the office) he remarks on how "huge your tits look" in that top and how he had "never realised how huge they are, how I must get a bad back and how OH is a lucky man" I was shocked and a bit mortified so quickly changed the subject without commenting (hoping it was obvious I was uncomfortable) - I am not a prude but feel uncomfortable around him for the rest of the day.

He tried to open up the conversation again but I didn't engage.

I tried to mention it to my manager but she kind of brushed it aside (her manager hates him and I know is looking for any excuse to get rid of him).

Then today he brings it up again (alone again) and mentions how huge my 16 yr old DDs "tits" also are and again says he hadn't realised how "huge mine were" until "I wore that tight top" (it wasn't tight).

My colleagues want me to take this further (and I suspect nail the final nail in his coffin) but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself - but I just felt so bloody awkward I also don't want the hassle and horrible atmosphere of it - and do I want to be responsible for someone losing their job?

He is a manager so well aware of sexual harassment policies.

So do I wait for my next opportunity and tell him or just hang him out to dry

The length of time you've known him is clouding the issue.
If you don't feel you can report the previous comments then pull him on it the next time & report it. Tell them it had happened before but you felt uncomfortable reporting him as you knew the implications.

Can you set your phone up to start recording at the touch of a button? I can put the recorder on my home screen and then I only have to touch the icon and it will start. I suggest you get it ready, if you can, and next time you're alone together just start it when he starts talking, whatever he talks about. If his convo is fine you can delete it.

Definitely report him though, with evidence or without. He's obviously got a hanit of doing this. Others may come forward when word gets around that you've done it.

Write it down with dates and times and send to HR as a complaint if your manager won't pick it up. She'll have to then.

Ugh... Creep.

"...I guess he thinks we have a friendship"

I have friends. They don't wait until they can get me on my own and make sleazy remarks about my breasts.

And as for the remarks about your dd - eurrrgh!

Report him to HR and I would also tell his union - they have a right to know that someone who is making a bid to represent them is an utter sleazebag.

I feel a bit sly not pulling him up on it and then going straight to management that's all - and he and I often work alone together and I guess he thinks we have a "friendship".

His problem.

In the nicest possible way, OP, stop pissing about and report him. He needs stopping.

FUCKING HELL! Haven't read the comments yet, but from your OP, I am almost as angry with your manager as I am with this perverted excuse for a man.

How dare they brush it off. If they don't do anything I'd go to the police for sexual harassment.

report him. if HR wont do anything then contact a solicitor. that he's making sexual comments about a 16 year old girl as well as you, makes a fabulous case against him. please begin proceedings today. you do not have to put up with this at work or anywhere else.

If you feel underhanded by reporting him while maintaining a veneer of friendliness, that's fair enough; drop the friendliness. It is very important that you report this guy.

[calmed down a bit]

I do understand how you feel with you having known him a long time, but really...there is a line.

I have a very relaxed relationship with my colleagues (only female in a male team) and we feel able to talk about personal issues and also have a laugh with each other.

Then one colleague made me feel very uncomfortable with an innuendo. I brought him up on it right away and nothing more was said.

You MUST speak up.

I understand your reticence but when I hear he works with teenagers, I think you have to report it.

I agree with SarahSavesTheDay, if you don't want to be feel underhand or hypocritical then just drop the facade of friendliness.

Those comments are so bad that I wonder if he has some sort of early onset dementia
You know, when the parts of the brain that censor behaviour stop functioning and people become disinhibited

(Not trying to excuse him in any way)

I was considering the same as suzanne. His comments are so beyond the pale that it seems unlikely he's unaware he's jeopardising his career. This is Donald Draper-era sexism.

If he's working with teenagers, who knows what he's saying/doing to any of them when he manages to get them alone? Even if not for your sake or your daughter's dignity, you have a responsibility to these young people to report him so that he can be removed as a threat.

Just report him. You don't need to feel bad because he brought it on himself, you didn't do anything. It also wasn't a one off comment. It's quite easy to not talk about other people's appearances let alone commenting to them about their breasts. He could not do it, he choses to act this way. Report him and hopefully it will be that last nail but that's his fault not yours.

I am quite outspoken when it comes to things like this so I would have told him straight that he was a dirty perv, mention his wife etc he'll soon back off. Call it banter and see how he likes it! If you do nothing then he will just think it is ok and will no doubt do it again. Report him at the very least!

Report his arse!

People like this rely on other people's dislike of confrontation (and he will have sensed this about you) to get away with this sort of behaviour. And to then go on with the tired old saying "(shock) but it was just banter?!". Banter is a cover for a myriad of offensive childish bullying and misogynistic behaviour. Oh, and the "can you not take a joke?". Don't let these phrases cow you. He's been looking at your daughter's breasts!!

This doesn't have to be about the teenagers and what he may or may not do.

What he has said to you and your colleague is already unacceptable and must be reported. When he has been disciplined, that will also protect the teens.

Could you ask your union for advice is how to deal with a creepy colleague?

They will probably tell you to report it but it would also give them a heads up about this guys behaviour.

He has no right at all to make personal remarks about you, let alone your daughter.
If he doesn't have a clear idea betw been what is offensive to an adult woman goodness knows what he is like with younger teens.

I don't think it makes the slightest bit of difference that you didn't say anything or challenge him at the time, OP. HR would not expect you to do that. It's not your response that matters but what he said. Twice!

I agree with others that he knows exactly what he's doing and gets a kick out of saying it when you are alone and his choice of language (plus throwing in the 'do you get a bad back?' to add some ambiguity). He got away with it the first time so he upped the ante by mentioning your daughter. Any man mentioning 'tits' and your daughter in the same sentence deserves all that's coming to him.

It sounds like your own line manager has already let you down and perhaps made you doubt yourself on this.

I work with a lot chauvinists and their banter is often near the mark ("Oh I have groin strain..." when I got First Aid qualified etc) but always in front of others and nothing remotely in this league. I think I'm a good sport but would report this in a heartbeat.

Don't mess around with email traps - it's not your job to trap him or prove he said it or what he meant or whether he's sorry. Just report.

Send a written complaint to HR via email so there is a record of it and request action regarding company sexual harassment guidelines

Please report him to someone. If you find out that he is cornering teenage girls in the office and talking like this to them, you - and they - will feel dreadful when it turns out you knew what he's like and did nothing.

Can you secretly record him?

Don't know why you still haven't reported OP think you're trying to minimise it now- he said it about you and your dd to you- this guy has seriously no moral compass built in, he's a sleeze are you really that bothered about appearing 'sly' to that calibre of person so much so that its stopping you from doing the right thing?!

Oh dear! Some of you are back at that victim blaming again.

OP, I hope you do find the strength to report him to HR. But I can understand why it seems like a really scary thing to do, setting that ball rolling is not easy to contemplate actually doing, for real.

I also hope that if/when you do report him your HR ad management are supportive and don't try to brush it under the carpet or make you feel as though you are in the wrong.

Good luck.