Colleague making remarks about my breasts....

[Weathergames]

Ok I know I'm not being U - more of a WWYD.

Posted about this guy last week - he's a prize prat who is very lazy, unpopular very "David Brent". I feel senior management have been trying to get rid of him for years but he never quite gives them enough rope to hang him with. A fair few of us would not be sad to see him go as he takes the piss and gives our team a bad name.

He is trying to get me to sign something to support his bid to be union rep for my Union and I have politely said no which is won't take for an answer and he actually tried to almost hoodwink me into "just signing this for me" today (luckily I had the heads up from another colleague).

He is married with children as am I - have worked together for 7 yrs so quite "familiar" I guess and I like (pity) his DW.

Couple of weeks ago (just he and I in the office) he remarks on how "huge your tits look" in that top and how he had "never realised how huge they are, how I must get a bad back and how OH is a lucky man" I was shocked and a bit mortified so quickly changed the subject without commenting (hoping it was obvious I was uncomfortable) - I am not a prude but feel uncomfortable around him for the rest of the day.

He tried to open up the conversation again but I didn't engage.

I tried to mention it to my manager but she kind of brushed it aside (her manager hates him and I know is looking for any excuse to get rid of him).

Then today he brings it up again (alone again) and mentions how huge my 16 yr old DDs "tits" also are and again says he hadn't realised how "huge mine were" until "I wore that tight top" (it wasn't tight).

My colleagues want me to take this further (and I suspect nail the final nail in his coffin) but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable about doing this as I feel I should have challenged him myself - but I just felt so bloody awkward I also don't want the hassle and horrible atmosphere of it - and do I want to be responsible for someone losing their job?

He is a manager so well aware of sexual harassment policies.

So do I wait for my next opportunity and tell him or just hang him out to dry

No. Have been away from office all day today and waiting to speak to other colleague tomorrow to see if she is prepared to back me up with her "experience".

You don't need anyone to back you up. They will take your complaint seriously. They might already have other complaints on file that will influence how they deal with him. But that's not your concern. Your only task is to report it.

I don't need her to I know.

Ask yourself what you would want your daughter to do in your position. I don't think additional work (recording / back up from others) is required here to be honest. Two separate occasions, both when you were on your own. It's disgusting and he bloody well knows it or you would hear him talking like that towards others. I bet he has the same to others. Get dates and times clear in your mind and write it out. Email it to HR, copying in yourself and ask for a meeting to discuss it with them.

He thinks its banter. Well no it's not its abuse. And commenting on your teenagers breasts as a mum to a teen myself. I would be horrified. I mean its one thing teenage boys passing comment on girls boobs ect but a grown man. I have grave concerns about that

I'm becoming really concerned now. What is your job op? Are you supposed to advocate/safeguard the teens? I'm guessing yes. I'm guessing it's part of your contract?

You don't need to investigate this dick that's your bosses job. If your line manager is useless go over their head, to hr. Definitely the union needs to know (I know any unions I've been involved with would want to majorly distance themselves from such an insidious little twat!)

OP, stop dithering. You have a responsibility to do the right thing here and you are prevaricating because you 'feel sly'? I know teenagers with bigger balls than you.

That is very unlikely to be helpful, Faberge.

If that man had made a comment about my 16 yr old DD, I wouldnt just give management the rope, I'd kick the stool out from underneath his feet.

What a fucking perve!

I suspect OP won't be back, some of the comments here have been really unhelpful. If I were OP I'd hide the thread and try to find people who would help instead of blaming her for her colleagues actions.

Ludicrous!

You don't think she has a responsibility to other women? I can't stand this attitude that, 'I'll dither and dally until someone else sorts this fiend out'; '...but what about how it might affect me!'

Just do the right thing.

No, I don't think it is in any way right to try to bully and shame someone who has already been victimised into doing something they may not be ready to do.

I think that behaviour is utterly abhorrent and shows a marked disregard for the reality of a situation and the real fears of anyone who has been treated as OP reports.

That and, as she has not been here for a while, you have no idea what she is or is not doing. You, and others, are just shouting, demanding and holding her responsible for future acts of another adult - which is ridiculous and quite nasty to read.

So take your own advice - do the right thing and support her instead of getting all hysterical and condemning her!

You don't think she has a responsibility to other women?

No. She doesn't. His behaviour is in no way her responsibility!

Again, although this thread has been fast moving, OP has only posted 5-6 times, initially on Monday night, IIRC. She was out of the office yesterday and is taking the reasonable approach that her case may be strengthened by including a second person in it so she's checking with them. Whilst her case is strong enough as is, it's hardly "dilly dallying" to consider the best approach.

This man has sexually harassed her. This needs to be stopped. We have no idea, and no right to know, on what basis he interacts with teenagers and how frequently - for all we know, it could be on a periodic training course that isn't due to come up for several weeks, say.

So back off and save your ire for the perpetrator.

I too am a manager. We've just dismissed someone for making the exact same type of comments - the women he said it too didn't say anything to him either out of embarrassment. But part of the reason to dismiss was due to the impact that these comments had had on the colleagues. From what you've said these comments have made you feel upset too.
I definitely think you should do something - but only what you are comfortable with. Either:

1. Tell him to stop, or
2. Report it.

Please just remember that you are not the one in the wrong here.
Good luck.

Weathergames
The only person putting this man's job at risk is him. If he hadn't made sleazy comments about you and your DD you wouldn't have anything to report and his job would be safe.

You don't owe him any consideration or kindness as he hasn't shown any to you. You can report him to HR with a clear conscience. The only thing that is sly in the whole story is him making sure he got you on your own before making pervy remarks.

He has brought any consequences on himself.

Op I think you are right to think carefully how you approach this and also get support from your colleague. Yes in theory the right thing to do is report him.

Having reported someone myself, who was then sacked I will tell you about my experience.

I mentioned what happened to two colleagues who pressured and pressured me to report it. I did. After that all hell broke loose. The person was immediately suspended and there was a lot of gossip about what happened. It very quickly leaked to all staff that I had caused somebody to be suspended. Suddenly the support of the two colleagues disappeared into the ether and I was sent to coventry by the majority of the staff. One or two also took it upon themselves to have a go at me. I had been told in no uncertain circumstances by the manager I was not to discuss it with other staff so couldn't defend myself. The colleague very quickly found out it was me and was making threats - not directly to me but telling other staff he was going to do something about it. Several of the management staff were resentful towards me and one began to bully me by giving me the shittiest jobs. It was a teamwork type job and my colleagues would not support me which left me in difficult and sometimes dangerous positions. Eventually he was sacked because he'd already had warnings, although I didn't know about them. But I ended up getting depression and leaving the job because it became thoroughly unpleasant after that.

So for all these people saying just report it - it really isn't that easy. It's something that comes with a lot of stress and a lot of consequences. Did I regret reporting him? No in my case I had no choice. I'd have potentially faced a legal case myself if I'd stood by and done nothing.
But I think it's something op needs to think about very carefully because it doesn't come without a shed load of stress. If it is a safeguarding issue then yes she has to. If it's not she might well be better off just telling him - I really don't like you speaking to me like that and I will report you if you do it again.

To be honest I'd only report him if I found the self-restraint not to beat him to a pulp...

Oh give over OurBlanche, of course nobody is blaming the Op for anything. I just wouldn't want her to regret not saying anything.

thre's a bit of banta, and there's taking it too far, if it happens again call him out

If it happens again? Once is bad enough but it's happened twice.

Also it's "banter" not "banta" -FFS--

As to saying the OP should report. Its one thing if she works in say a call centre, quite another when she's told us this guy is alone with teens. Iirc pp have also said she has a duty of care to them which may even be part of her contract.

I'd agree with those who say make a formal complaint. Inappropriate comments about anyone's children being the main but not the only reason.

wine I wouldn't tell him to stop as he may do this for a while and then restart again.

I'd just report and let the higher powers deal with it.

Nothing more to add to this thread only OP should report him ASAP. Ok it's also a safeguarding issue as he works with teenagers so extremely serious but it is also sexual harassment to a colleague and is a sackable offence and just as important as the safeguarding issue.

Also the press/media etc would have a field day with this if it got out and the organisation can and should know this.

forall a formal complaint (though that may be the starting point) really isn't good enough.... He should be suspended ideally probably pending an investigation but I've got no idea of OPs HR procedures.