Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

[Dungandbother]

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones

I wasn't being U was I?

This is interesting as I have two HF ASD children - one diagnosed one awaiting referral. They struggle with long journeys but as they have been travelling on trains for long journeys for their entire lives (thanks to non driver mum), we have our strategies down. They do sometimes use tablets and the oldest ds is unwilling to wear headphones but fortunately for me he is able to play happily w/out sound. But he would be very distressed if another child had a loud film playing. His younger sisters would be distressed by swearing as they are very concious of social rules and tend to comment on the use of 'naughty' words loudly and with disapproval. So it is probaly just as well I wasn't travelling on the same train carriage as the op as it could have ended in stereo melt downs. We do have long and drawn out games of eye spy that can get rowdy, but I can generally shove a bit of food and drink at them at regular intervals or get paper out for drawing/ hang man. Now they are older a greater variety of distractions are available.

More than one available tool in my kit is my advantage at the moment, though things can change so not smug about it. I have sympathy for OP and the child/ child's parents.

Some of your posts are heartbreaking to read.

I worry so much for my dn. I don't know how he'll be when he's older.

This is why discussion is, I think, so important. I really think knowledge is key.

My dd has a good friend with varied and complex SN. I really do think that her understanding of SN helped her move past the 'othering' that the other dc are inclined toward.

I have 3 kids, one with ASD. I don't expect strangers to understand what I'm dealing with on a daily basis and the constant relentless struggle which we go through.

My child likes to control the environment around her. That's something she needs because she simply can't deal with life otherwise. So things have to be a certain way otherwise it all goes to hell. A couple of examples. Pizza can only be cooked in the lower oven, God forbid I try using the top oven. Sausages can only be cooked in the pan and never under the grill. If my DH drives my car and uses my keys instead of his own she loses the plot and kicks at the dash of the car insisting that he use his own keys. It doesn't matter if it's 100 degrees outside she will insist on long sleeve tops and full length trousers. If she wakes at night then I have to take her to the loo (not daddy) she has to turn off her bedroom light, I can only give her one kiss, but I can't leave without giving her a kiss. I'm not allowed to shut my bedroom door when I go back to my room. If one of these things isn't right she'll scream the place down and wake up the rest of the family.

She also has an ipad which she listens to on full volume. Believe me I've bought numerous sets of headphones, they last a day at the most before she's chewed through the cable and destroyed them. She destroys most things. She has no sense of danger she will chew through power cables still attached to the mains, she'll run across the road if she sees a dog. On a train, she'll try and bolt for the exit at every stop. Everything is locked away in the house or hidden to prevent her from getting to it. She constantly escapes out of the front door. She climbs over the 6 foot fences in the garden. She smears creams all over the furniture. The creams which have been put away at the top of the wardrobe. She's reached them by climbing from my bed into the windowsill, across the length of the window to the chest of drawers. On to the drawers, to lean over and open the child lock on the wardrobe so she can grab my makeup or creams. Her siblings are afraid of her, of the unpredictable behavior, the aggressive outbursts. This is just a tiny, tiny insight into what parents like myself deal with daily.

Thankfully I can drive so I don't need to use public transport often. But if ever I do have to go out with all my kids I will do what it takes to keep my daughter calm so that we can get where we need to be. Unless you've dealt with a very physical furious outburst from a nine year old child who's anger knows no boundries, while also trying to look after other children you can have no idea what day to day life is like.

I carry music and headphones when travelling - not because I want to listen to music, but in case of situations like this and I need to block out other people's noise.

For me, other people's noise can be unbearable - if someone is whistling on a bus, I have to get off.

whois have you Read the post above yours?

anjelika have you tried wireless headphones? (I'm sure you have but worth mentioning just in case)

It could of went the other way if he'd had headphones. We were on a late flight back from lanzarote a month ago. Landed just after midnight. Our kids had been trying to sleep since about nine. Woman behind us with two kids,boy about 7, girl about 5. All three sat on tablets with headphones on. Dad sat across the aisle sleeping the whole time.

The kids screamed and shouted to each other and their mum with their headphones still in at the top of their voices THE WHOLE FLIGHT. The mum told them once or twice to be quiet but it had no effect. It was literally torture. My kids and others around us were all getting upset and ratty because they couldn't sleep. Drove me up the wall.

Hi Sirzy, thanks for the suggestion. I have looked them, but it's not just the cable that she chews. She removes the padding from the ear bits and chews it to buggery and separates all the component parts. We're currently on our 4th iPad, despite having it in a very robust heavy duty case it still gets destroyed.

I carry music and headphones when travelling - not because I want to listen to music, but in case of situations like this and I need to block out other people's noise.

Same. I have adhd and "different" types of noises make my skin crawl. Chatter is fine, crying babies are fine. Game and video noises are now just one more thing to process in a bus full of distractions. I always come off public transport exhausted and cranky.

So on a purely auditory note, I'd rather listen to a kid have a melt down, but I wouldn't want a kid being that distressed if it was the only way they could cope.

I bring headphones and my phone/DS to tune out everyone else. When I have my kid though, I just grit my teeth and bear it and grab a coffee at our destination to wind down.

I have AS and Misophonia.

In that situation i would have been driven to the point of having an internal meltdown myself because of the noise. I remember whilst i was pregnant and sat at the doctors a woman sat down next to me with her child and the child was sat watching peppa pig on a tablet at full volume. I ended up grinding my teeth to the point my jaw hurt so i didn't sat something to them as i knew it would be me exploding.

But in that situation who trumps? Me who can not tolerate noise like that or the child with SN? I suppose its the child as im an adult but it doesnt make it any easier.

Im not sure what my point was here actually.

I know I posted on AIBU and I generally don't post here. And I'm not bothered by the tone expressed apart from I don't feel it's often a measured argument... But that's the whole point after all. I like to hear others opinions. I don't like being attacked, who does.

I was not being goady.
Certainly no more so than those that jumped down my throat. That's being goady about your knowledge of SN which far outweighs mine. I have none. No contact, no friends with, nothing to make note of.

Whoever said about me stewing on it because I felt bad has it bang on.

I would rather receive the explanations of why how what etc, how things happen, what causes 'meltdowns'.

It was a donut. It could have easily have been an apple - would that have been goady?

Dad was totally passive but only during the meltdown. I found this strange.

Mum made a massive fuss about a hug. Perhaps this is part of her technique but I have absolutely no idea about calming techniques.

It was a 12 rated film for a child clearly not 12 but I haven't passed judgement. It was playing for around three minutes before the swearing. The noise wasn't a problem but the swearing was to me.

I didn't set out to cause offence but I know some people are offended. Call me ignorant but as I have no knowledge of SN, please consider how you could help me understand better rather than make personal attacks.

How about you educate yourself, there is this amazing thing called the Internet, rather than do posts in aibu which do seem goady whether that was your intention or not.

There is always an I want to learn educate me... Do you not think parents of children with special needs get a bit fed up with 'educating' esp on threads like this where you inevitably get a load of disablist bullshit.

And the avengers was a 12a at the cinema, I don't think they have the same clasification for dad's but obviously it's the same film. we have them all ourselves, my seven year old is a huge avengers fan, they are not solely aimed at over 12's. You say I haven't passed judgement.... You don't need to say anything your tone and post says it all.

Seriously if you want to understand more go read, do some research it's not hard.

Well what exactly do you want to know OP?

YA totally NBU

go read, do some research it's not hard

Perhaps I'm alone, but while some books or websites might tell me the theoretics of some special needs, Mumsnet is fairly unique in that it actually puts these issues in a day to day context if you like.

My brother had aspergers/ASD (never sure what term to use to be honest) and yet despite growing up with him I am learning new things all of the time about autism and how it displays itself. Sometimes I read threads and light bulbs come on for me - and I should have been used to it!

So I do feel it's harsh to tell OP to go and read. I read a lot and yet Mumsnet had helped me understand a lot of stuff I was pretty clueless about before such as politics, special needs and grammar.

But in that situation who trumps? Me who can not tolerate noise like that or the child with SN? I suppose its the child as im an adult but it doesnt make it any easier.

Yeah. But I like to think that if I asked a person to turn off the obnoxious sounds they could just explain that their child has a SN. It would certainly make me feel less resentful towards the parent since they weren't doing it to be inconsiderate.

In situations like that though, it can't hurt to ask. More often than not, loud devices are to keep small children quiet so parents can disengage for a moment. They don't need to do that in a crowded room where you can't get away from the noise if you need to.

There are ways of finding out info, OP.
Lots of them much nicer than encouraging the ignorant fucknuts out there to bitch about how parents of kids who have SN care for them.

My only knowledge of SN and frankly Autism is MN. And I still feel as though I know nowt.

I don't know where to start looking for stuff to read on the web that wouldn't be either hugely scientific and therefore inaccessible or too simplistic and bears no relevance to my ponderings.

I do read. A lot. Somethings are more widely written about.

Oh. But the MN link was useful. Thank you.

I have read this thread with interest and never felt the OP had any agenda other that polite enquiry. If people are discouraged from seeking knowledge then they will simply rely on their existing misconceptions and prejudice.