Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

[Dungandbother]

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones

I wasn't being U was I?

I could weep at some of the responses here (mix of despair and hilarity)

I am honestly in stitches over 'if headphones can't be tolerated, don't use tech, or put the subtitles on'.

Not using tech is not an option. I have a dd with severe ASD(although going by the OPs later posts, she wouldn't be judged as having severe needs as she is verbal - wtf). She uses an iPad. She cannot tolerate headphones, despite many years of trying (mostly because of major screw ups on the part of her SN preschool many years ago). Without her iPad, she would not be able to manage mast journeys. We did used to manage, of course, in the days before iPads, but please believe me, far more people were inconvenienced. I well remember the red-eye flight to the states, when did was about 3, when I spent the whole time (and yes, I do mean the whole time - any pauses for a breath or a sip of drink were punctuated by dd's screams) reciting the Snail and the Whale. All 11 hours. Overnight. While people were trig to sleep.

That was fun.

Or the phase where dh & I could only communicate verbally by singing rhyming couplets to the tune of Frere Jacques. If we didn't, again, piercing screams and associated distress (including self injurious behaviours). That was just marvellous, and not at all toe-curlingly embarrassing, but we just had to get on with it. And it wasn't at all disruptive to anyone around us during that phase , but we really had no choice.

Subtitles?! I can't believe that was even suggested as a serious consideration. My dd can read (one of only 4 children at her school who can, by the way) but she would not be able to follow subtitles.

This whole thread is a thinly-veiled dig at anyone who is doing their best to go about their lives while dealing with serious needs.

Many years ago, I had a thread about cutting parents of children with SN some slack. It must have been in chat, as I can't find it now, but it basically boiled down to:

Our children are people too.

We love them as much as you love yours

On the whole, we are doing our level best. We know we may be disrupting your life for a brief while, but please believe us that we are doing everything we can to minimise that, and what you are seeing is the result of a great deal of work, and a shitload of planning. It may not be going perfectly, but when is life perfect? We are just doing our best, and we are only human.

Like I said upthread; to bemoan society and stomp about challenging stigmas and stereotypes, and then be aggressive and shouty and taking offence where none is intended, is ridiculous.

Total victim blaming, to blame people upset by intolerant posts.

and for aggressive and shouty read exasperated by endless threads like these

Pandas amen to all that.

Fanjo you're not a victim.

You're a parent of a child with SN. Just like my SIL and DB.

They would never, ever consider themselves victims for having my dn!

This whole thread is a thinly-veiled dig at anyone who is doing their best to go about their lives while dealing with serious needs.

I guess it depends on perspective.

I don't see it that way at all.

I have travelled with dn countless times, alone and with SIL and yes, there have been meltdowns.

I wouldn't assume that people without knowledge are automatically judging or that they think dn has no place in society.

My point is, if you choose to take offense at everything, instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, aren't you making life more difficult for yourself?

err Im talking about being the victim of crappy attitudes and goady threads, not a victim for having DD>

That is all.

incidentally DD doesn't have meltdowns on public transport or watch DVDs.

So maybe rethink the fact you think I see myself personally as a victim here.

Just exasperated by endless such threads on MN.

Pandas and what if there's another passenger who has SN who is in distress or having a meltdown because of the noise? I'm not saying that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing but people's needs do clash at times. And when that happens I hope you don't judge that person if they have to leave because of the noise or have to cover their ears or have a panic attack or a meltdown.

I have done all four in the past and yes, people have judged me, even people who should know better.

Sorry, misunderstood you then.

The point remains though.

I've seen a lot of these threads.

I've seen OPs ripped to shreds. All for asking a question or being unsure of how a particular situation should have been handled.

One that sticks in my mind is a woman who wanted to move tables in a restaurant because her dc had issues with loud noises and there was a vocal SN child beside them.

The things levelled at that poor woman were atrocious.

"Oh, we'll just hide our SN children away then, shall we?"

I mean, come on!

Nobody was saying that, nobody is saying that here. But the woe-is-me, everyone hates my child attitude shuts down every single discussion and nobody gains anything from it.

We all had to learn about dn and his needs. That never would have happened if we hadn't been allowed to ask questions and inform ourselves.

Posters here have been accused of being ill-informed. Can you blame them? ?

Perhaps there should be a thread explaining what it's like to be an adult living with SN themselves? I have a feeling lots of people won't care but I'm sure there must be plenty who do.

well would you love it if you struggled to take your child out due to their SN, and very time was a struggle, and people with no idea of your life were posting how they should stay at home? and other lovely intolerant things? Regularly? Maybe it would hit a nerve and make people upset and post in upset, just possible?

toads,, that's a whole dfifferent subject.

The OP 's son didn't have additional needs.

She was mildly annoyed because the film said "shit".

I cross posted there and my post about "would you love it" was directed at walter not toads.

anyway am at work and have really said all I need to say on this thread, and on all the million others like it that keep appearing.

have a nice day all

Asking questions is fine.

Starting goady threads going on about how horribly you were inconvenienced because someone DARED take a child out who has SN that are obvious isn't.

There is a difference.

Posters saying kids who have SN are fine as long as they don't act in a way that causes the slightest inconvenience to anyone else are always going to be challenged.

I've seen OPs ripped to shreds. All for asking a question or being unsure of how a particular situation should have been handled.

YY to this.

I think a lot of the time people don't mean to be nasty. It's just clumsy wording on their part.

A while ago there was a thread started by a poster who I know for a fact has mild learning difficulties and who also has a child with autism. She posted asking for some advice on an issue one of her children was having however unfortunately because of some clumsy wording issues in her post because of her learning difficulties, a lot of people's backs were raised and the poor OP was torn to shreds...by parents of children with SN who should know better.

It was horrible and people were downright nasty to her. In the end the thread was deleted and the OP never came back. I can't say I blame her. Tbh I felt kind of stupid in the end for recommending Mumsnet to her in the first place.

Toads..so much for your apology the other day

Starting goady threads going on about how horribly you were inconvenienced because someone DARED take a child out who has SN that are obvious isn't.

Nobody has said that.

I have no idea what you mean by that Fanjo.

Bishop that hasn't happened here

She was mildly annoyed because the film said "shit".

That was before she realised the child had SN and before he had the meltdown.

I find hearing someone else's film or music much much less annoying than having to hear loud inane conversations. the worst one was when a man settled down comfortably, turned to his companions and said 'Let me tell you about my novel.' Give me despicable me any day over that.

SN isn't a good reason to subject a child to bad language.

I don't think this was clumsy wording. I think this was goady.

In that case report it.

I have.

Hello everyone - we'd like to take this opportunity to share our campaign, This Is My Child, which aims to bust the myths surrounding children with additional needs.

We'd like to particularly emphasise myth number 1 - "behavioural disorders are just a fashionable excuse for bad behaviour or poor parenting". Many of the posts on this thread are saying pretty much exactly that, so please do have a good read of this page for more information.