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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

224 replies

Dungandbother · 08/11/2015 20:47

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones Confused

I wasn't being U was I?

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 08/11/2015 21:18

I think the other mum was probably very stressed about helping her son to keep calm on the journey.

I think you are over-thinking her giving you a response that you think was less than perfect. She was a highly stressed fellow parent and that's all that was going on.

I know that we bought 6yo DS who has ASD headphones specifically for the Disneyland Paris train, so that he could watch films without bothering anybody. He happily wore them.

But if he had not been happy to wear them, we probably would still have taken the player anyway, as a back up for if he needed distracting.

I hope that now you've had a few parents with kids with SN telling you the same think you can be assured that you were perfectly reasonable in asking for the film to be turned down. And that you are being over-sensitive to a snappy reply from a stressed parent dealing with a 15 minute meltdown with nowhere to withdraw to.

Hopefully you can let it go now.

IsItMeOr · 08/11/2015 21:20

think=thing

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/11/2015 21:20

Headphones would be an obvious solution but if not possible then keeping the volume lower or ensuring that what is being watched is appropriate for all ears. Alas it isn't always so easy and so a little empathy goes a long way.

In an ideal world her child wouldn't struggle to negotiate life and suffer meltdowns and you would be able to travel in peace without having to worry about your ds hear the odd swear word.

Sirzy · 08/11/2015 21:21

I think the volume is the key if a child can't tolerate headphones.

Someone having it very loud could easily send a child like ds into a meltdown as he struggles with loud noises.

alltheworld · 08/11/2015 21:21

I have had this on trains planes etc. Seems basic courtesy and etiquette is out the window and I wish operators wd make clear that electronic devices must be used only with headphones.
The number of nonheadphone tolerating kids with s n must be quite small...

Original poster
Dungandbother · 08/11/2015 21:22

Is it me
I sort of posted because it was playing on my mind, that I hope I didn't get it too wrong for the child, that I wasn't overly judgey....

I said goodbye when we got off, asked my DC to say goodbye. Dad replied, mum didn't.

I am aware, I really tried not to judge. I wondered if I was off the mark

OP posts:
Enkopkaffetak · 08/11/2015 21:23

The film is a 12 and being played in a setting where there are children under 12

IMO that is the issue not a SN issue or a possible meltdown,

Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 21:23

I hugely sympathise with parents of children with special needs.

However, one persons comfort does not override everybody else's. That's the basic rule of thumb.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 08/11/2015 21:24

Very true Proud. However ime people who struggle with noise are just expected to put up and shut up, no matter how distressing they find it.

Original poster
Dungandbother · 08/11/2015 21:24

And as an aside, I would rather have sat with this family than the cheesey stinking feet 10 yr old girl behind, or the BO stinking Grandma on the other side behind.

Personally hygiene is far worse a crime Grin

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 08/11/2015 21:24

I should imagine that parenting is pretty hard going for that childs mum and while you weren't out of order asking to turn it down etc, I can understand that there may be reasons he had it, but no headphones, and that she may have been close to the end of her rope anyway, without the added stress and embarrassment of her child having a meltdown in public, and she may have been snappier than she meant to be with you as a result of that.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/11/2015 21:24

I also have to say I'm sure she did plan that trip within an inch of her life but sometimes it's the one tiny thing you don't plan for/think of (i.e. a swear word in a film) that tips the whole fucking thing on it's head.

It's exhausting always thinking a head and tbh you just can't think of every possible scenario.

Shit times all round try not to think too harshly of her I'm sure she got off that train feeling far worse than you did.

bialystockandbloom · 08/11/2015 21:25

Oh here we go.

OP was this really such a massive incident in your life? What was the actual problem?

What are you asking here? Whether you were being U for asking her to turn it down? No you weren't.

But being very U for showing such a limited ability to understand the situation of other people and their situations. Ever thought it probably isn't much fun for her having a 10yo with SN? Think yourself lucky your biggest problem today was that your ds heard the word shit.

And being extremely U and judgemental for giving us such lovely bitchy little salacious details such as that he "actually punched the DVD player" and was "given a donut".

TempusEedjit · 08/11/2015 21:27

If the son couldn't wear headphones then his parents should have made sure he was watching a DVD suitable for all ages.

Some people are just inconsiderate and entitled.

Original poster
Dungandbother · 08/11/2015 21:28

Bialy
Not added salaciously, that was how the mum calmed him down. Loudly, obviously... Was that for my benefit?
The lady upset you but mummy will make it right and cuddle you (made him swap seats for the cuddle) and give you a donut.

I don't know how to deal with SN. I don't know if that's normal.

I do know that I feel bad for causing a meltdown.

OP posts:
elvisthehamster · 08/11/2015 21:28

I agree , If the parents new the child wouldn't be able to watch the ipad without headphones which is understandable if it was going to cause stress for the boy then they should have made sure that the content the child was going to be watching was universally suitable for anyone else who may be on the train and that it was at an okay level.

IsItMeOr · 08/11/2015 21:29

You did fine Dung. Don't worry about it.

alltheworld so what would you do about the children and adults who couldn't tolerate headphones? Or are they simply to be excluded from planes, etc?

enkop I agree, it was a poor choice of film in the context. It is hard to anticipate everything of course.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/11/2015 21:32

You didn't cause it, OP.

If he can't wear headphones then the volume should have been lower and the film appropriate.

Nobody, including parents with SN kids, gets to decide that your child can hear swear words or a film that you don't think he's old enough for.

None of this was your fault.

TheXxed · 08/11/2015 21:32

Congratulations OP you were right SN mum is a shit parent and everyone agrees, do you feel good. Not only did you witness her son have a meltdown and become distressed but you get to relive the story and have everyone validate you.

bialystockandbloom · 08/11/2015 21:32

x-posted there.

*That film should not have been available to him on a child packed train.

She was able to discipline him over other things, when Dad spoke, child listened but Mum was far more consoling and oh no the nasty lady type consoling of his out burst and Dad was silent.*

  1. She may not have known in advance the film had a swear word in it.
  1. What's the purpose of that comparison? That his SN only emerges when his mum is doing the parenting?
cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/11/2015 21:33

SN gets dealt with in all sorts of ways tbh on when it comes to a meltdown on a train you just do whatever it bloody takes to stop it. You don't need to know if how she dealt with it is normal.

I really don't understand these types of posts where people are so devoid of imagination that they can't understand what's going on around them just because they have no personal experience of it.

IsItMeOr · 08/11/2015 21:34

Dung just seen your 21:28 post.

It's usual to try to help your DC make sense of what is going on. However, I am very surprised to hear that she was blaming you for the upset. That's not on in my opinion, and is not doing her son any favours.

LeaLeander · 08/11/2015 21:35

Agree the film should have suitable for public if he can't use headphones.

One does wonder how the sensory overload of a Disney park would affect such a child if the train trip itself were such an ordeal for the family.

bialystockandbloom · 08/11/2015 21:36

I don't know how to deal with SN

Well maybe listening to some of the parents on MN who have children with SN might be helpful.

Can't see how giving a child a donut is relevant to the story tbh Hmm

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 08/11/2015 21:36

Nobody has said anything of the sort x. I really have no clue why some people feel the need to be so nasty sometimes.

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