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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

224 replies

Dungandbother · 08/11/2015 20:47

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones Confused

I wasn't being U was I?

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 09/11/2015 07:07

Noted. Next time I think tech will calm my kids I won't bother. Enjoy the meltdowns won't you?

FWIW I was considerate in my use of tech, would always try headphones and if not possible to use those use low volume or on silent but looks like families like mine can't win whatever we do - people would just rather we hid our kids way.

But no - if people aren't even going to try to understand why should I even be considerate any more?

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/11/2015 07:15

To people getting upset/frustrated over this thread, I wouldn't bother. Personally I think it's very deliberately designed.

The op was so concerned if this behaviour was normal and worried if they did the right thing towards a child with SN...that they ran straight to MN to put in in AIBU with a title "kid with DVD player" Hmm

The OP's motivations are clear, I would say don't let their agenda cause you upset.

Enjolrass · 09/11/2015 07:18

I think this is a really difficult situation.

I do think that the mother shouldn't have allowed her son to play a 12 film on train full of children. But can also imagine that after a stressful weekend, if that's what he wanted to get him through the journey, she wasn't going to argue.

I don't think the OP dos anything particularly wrong. I also don't think this thread is particularly wrong. I think we need to talk it more and understand other people better.

I have Aspergers (actually diagnosed, not Google diagnosed). I find travel stressful because of people being loud or using tech loudly.

It isn't something I feel comfortable discussing with the family sitting nearby on a plane. What do I say? Do I explain that I have aspergers?

Discussing it here helps me make more sense of it.

But I can also see why people get defensive when it's discussed and feel attacked. Especially when posters (not the OP) are saying certain things.

Original poster
Dungandbother · 09/11/2015 07:19

Purple I assure you I had no motivations. I already said I felt guilty.

Some of you obviously have DC with far more severe complex needs than I have ever come across but please don't judge the fact I haven't come across your children. This particular child was verbal and in the most content apart from the short interlude.

OP posts:
honkinghaddock · 09/11/2015 07:22

Being verbal doesn't mean his sn isn't severe.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:26

Wow I'm glad I mostly missed this.

Being verbal has nothing to do with how severe his anxiety was.

Turning down the sound caused him severe anxiety hence the meltdown.

He possibly wouldn't wear headphones, some kids can't tolerate them.

Not sure which is more depressing, the sanctimonious ill informed OP or all the ill informed people lining up to agree.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:27

Purple .good point. .there have been a spate of goady threads recently.

They really work these days because there is a general climate of resentment towards those with disabilities in society at the moment. Sad.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:29

Also..what cansu said

Sirzy · 09/11/2015 07:32

proudAS unfortunately that side of things seems to be being forgotton.

I still think the op is getting a hard time here, she certainly wasn't wrong to ask for it to be turned down. Ideally the parents would have set it at a volume whereby it didn't disturb others from the off. They seemingly did what was needed afterwards to help to calm the child.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:34

Some people need to go to empathy classes, clearly

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:34

Not you sorry. .cross post.

That side of things is separate to the OPs unempathetic goady thread IMO

MythicalKings · 09/11/2015 07:36

YWNBU to ask, OP. You aren't psychic.

Interesting point raised above about which SN trumps another. My DN (now an adult) has severe autism and meltdowns in public were a regular occurrence when he was growing up. DBiL took the attitude that he couldn't help it and people just had to put up with it and never made any real attempt to calm him down or divert him if he saw one coming. He would just sit it out until it was over. Unfortunately his sister suffered from awful migraines and the stress would bring one on, quite often. I see her needs as every bit as important as her brother's.

The rest of us felt he has to live in a society which wasn't that tolerant and that it was important that he tried to learn to control his behaviour. He went to a special school and they were amazing in helping him and us manage his behaviour.

He now lives semi-independently in sheltered accommodation, without intervention and encouragement to understand and control his anger this would never have happened.

No one's needs trump anyone else's. We all have to live together and try to understand each other's needs.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:44

Well the boy had a distress induced meltdown because he turned it down.

One could argue that the op was merely irritated by the noise so his needs did trump hers at that point.

But then to write a goady sanctimonious post on here? Yuk

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 09/11/2015 07:47

If he couldn't tolerate headphones then he shouldn't have been allowed to watch a DVD on. Train. SNs or not, it's just bad manners to subject everyone else to your intrusive noise.

I have seen children and young adults with what I imagine is probably autism wearing headphones often, as a way of screening out other sounds that might give them sensory overload. Not that all people are the same obviously, just becaus they benefit from headphones doesn't mean all autistic people would.

But basic manners on the part of the parents should have prevailed.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:48

Have reported thread and now off to work where won't be able to read any more of the usual nonsense about trumping, SN being no excuse and kids with SN being tolerated only if they are silent and present as having no SN. Have a nice day all.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:49

See the post above mine for a great example of non inclusion

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:50

If he had to get train and can't do it without making a bit of noise then he is entitled to make the noise so he can travel like anyone else.

Yes..entitled!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:50

If you say he can't visit the attraction then that is total discrimination

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 07:50

Nice start to a Monday.

IsItMeOr · 09/11/2015 08:13

the op was merely irritated by the noise so his needs did trump hers at that point

Good point Fanjo.

I do hope that the posters who are weighing in to say that the child shouldn't have been allowed a DVD player on a train if he couldn't tolerate headphones can grasp that he is not making a choice to find that environment so challenging, or merely irritated by the request to turn down/stop watching the film.

Although the OP is excused because she had no way of knowing that. It's the people who have full knowledge and still think that which have some learning to do.

BrendaFlange · 09/11/2015 08:18

OP, you didn't know he had any SN when you asked then to turn the DVD down, and you did say to the parents that you were sorry to have caused upset.

The parents could have explained about the SN rather than turn the DVD down, they could have sat somewhere else (maybe not - train sounds packed) , or whatever.

Probably just as you are stewing over whether it was your fault, the Mum is stewing over the thought of a few days at an attraction where they will meet many such interactions. Maybe they are both stewing as they have different approaches to managing their child's stress, clearly the Mum reacted badly / was upset in a stressful situation, maybe they didn't know the DVD had swearing, ALL of us end up kicking ourselves over 360' forward planning at some point....

It was an unfortunate incident. I would have been upset and stewing over it too.

MiaowTheCat · 09/11/2015 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/11/2015 08:37

no i reported it in case its a goady thread as these type of threads have been started by PBPs regularly in past.

hth

And I applied lots of logic and reason to my posts, thanks very much. Was annoyed by intolerance but perfectly logical and reasonable.

bialystockandbloom · 09/11/2015 09:12

Oh OP I really think you should stop now. "Don't judge me because I haven't come across children as severely affected before"?? Give me a break.

My ds does not have what you, op, describe as 'severe' ASD. He does not have profound /classic autism. But guess what? I am able to put myself into the shoes of parents whose dc do, for a minute or two.

Your little insinuation there that you must have just offended people because they all have children profoundly affected doesn't wash I'm afraid. Some people just have this thing called empathy and tolerance.

I am judging you very much indeed for the whole premise of this nasty little thread.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/11/2015 09:16

However now this thread has gone the same way all of these do and any sense of logic or reason has been lost and we've gone for the "I've reported you because you've got a different view on the world than other people have and I don't like that" approach to things.

This. 100% this.

Like I said upthread; to bemoan society and stomp about challenging stigmas and stereotypes, and then be aggressive and shouty and taking offence where none is intended, is ridiculous.

That's why the threads descend.