Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

[Dungandbother]

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones

I wasn't being U was I?

llhj Some people claim that their child has SN to explain poor behaviour all the time.

Well if it happens all time you should be able to evidence your claim.

My experience of having an SN child and spending time with other SN parents is that often families become isolated because they fear going out, because disability hate crimes are on the rise, because funding has been cut so recreational activities for SN children is now non existent, because they hyper sensitive that other people view their children as a nuisance and inconvenience and having one bad incident (meltdown on train for instance) can knock the little confidence they have to use public transportation.

Lol at people claiming they have a disability. Stop reading the Sun I think.

For those who think that op should have put up with it and been more understanding.... My child also has SN, and would have been very upset by a DVD played loudly very close, and being unable to block it out might easily have caused an epic meltdown. So would we have had to put up with it as well, or which S need wins the day?

I don't doubt your experience at all. Horrendous that it's come to this, the cuts to local services in this regard and for adults with SN have been truly brutal. It's so unfair.

I am not a Sun reader so can't validate that comment.

In my job, I do see many parents quite sure that their children have a disability (autism in the main) when actually they don't. The parents frequently require a parenting course in how to communicate etc. The profound needs of people with autism are undermined everytime poor behaviour is immediately ascribed to 'being autistic.'

Bialy as I read it the meltdown had already happened by the time the mum explained that her son had sn so no, op didn't know. Yes, other mum said so afterwards, by which point it was too late.

I feel sorry for the boy's mother. She must have felt awful.

I may have inwardly sighed if it were I, but wouldn't have said anything.

Ah, bialy, sorry, did you mean op shouldn't have started the thread? I can see why some people feel she shouldn't have but equally it seems to me that part of the issue with sn and such circumstances is that people without much experience of sn genuinely don't know what is reasonable. That's not going to improve by shutting down discussion.

From what the op said I don't think the mum behaved particularly well but yes, I can see she was in a stressful situation and is only human. Equally, op was shouted at and is only human herself.

llhj and take a look at the many many desperate posters in an section who have spent years trying to get hcps/schools etc trying to take them seriously, told their problems are down to bad parenting etcetc only to finally get a diagnosis years down the line. Know of so many in rl too. I have never ever heard of the situation reversed in rl. Conditions like ASD obv have a massive spectrum, and it is not always obvious to non-experts.

I also don't buy the argument that it does a disservice to those in "real" need. No one gets a diagnosis if it's not real.

Fair point bumdance

(Sorry but finding it hard to have serious discussion when you have that username )

I guess what I'm getting at is how does Joe Bloggs, with no experience, know what to do? I actually work on the trains and am often asked by passengers to get other people to turn devices off etc. All this thread makes me think is I either refuse, and get complained about or risk getting yelled at like op did and still get complained about.

Hah, yes, sorry! Not my finest username-choosing moment!

Whereas composhat I have no problem saying just fuck right off to you for that.

Composhat is what I thought, I thought bloody hell shit parenting but I overruled myself. I considered the boy had needs, I didn't sit agog watching his every move.

I didn't want to ask Mum about how it presents. That would be too nosy for me. Should I have? I just realised the meltdown certainly didn't justify the scenario so clearly there were SN at play. And I sat quietly and let them get on with it. I felt bad for causing it. I said so to them.

Fighting the urge to give you a hearty fuck-you back, I'm sorry but having worked with young people whose difficulties are down to shitty parenting, passed off by the same parents as Google-diagnosed generic 'special needs' or ADHD or Aspergers (which was the real flavour of the month) rather than face up to their own failings. Even in the face of clinicians repeatedly stating these children don't meet the criteria for diagnosis for any of the conditions the parents were adamant that there was nothing that they could possibly do to address their children's behaviour.

I in no way diminish the difficulties experienced by the children who genuinely have special needs, but have direct ans repeated use of it being trotted out to excuse bad behaviour caused by bad parenting.

So you thought you'd come and repeat the bad parenting myth on a forum compos, that is really helpful, isn't it?

So this child was given a DVD player along with an age inappropriate film to watch, not given headphones and allowed to crank up the volume to a degree that it was irritating other passengers and then when he kicks off is pacified with sugar and another film to watch, whilst the Dad sits passively by. I fail to see what part of that wasn't crap parenting.

Compos While I appreciate that you are bound to weight your own experiences heavily, I would ask you to consider that the only "safe" assumption is that the parent on the train was referring to officially diagnosed SNs.

Frankly, there are days when DH and I will do whatever will get the three of us through to bedtime with the least fuss, and anything associated with Disneyland would definitely be such a day.

Oh yes it's much more likely that this was made-up SN isn't it.

Ds frequently has toys that make a noise when we are out. I give him the quietist ones I can find but sometimes it is the only thing that keeps him calm and prevents him self harming and attacking us. He would never cope with a train or plane journey so the toys are out in places like cafes and hospital waiting rooms.

Here's the thing, children with hidden disabilities have disabilities that are hidden. You can't tell just by looking at them, or even watching them for a few minutes, as most disabilities are little things we do day to day magnified to the point of being an actual problem.

I'd ask a child to turn down the DVD of any movie because it's obnoxious, regardless of the reason. You didn't do anything wrong by asking. I would have too, and my knee jerk reaction would be the kid was a spoiled shit. I think an explanation would change my perspective on what just happened to a more understanding one. ..(and yes, I have seen NT kids act like that when they don't get their way)

But that said, if you can't use electronics quietly don't bring them on a packed bus. If the kid was fine with a donut, keep extra snacks on hand or something quiet to distract them and avoid the situation in the first place.

I feel for this kid and parents but what happens when another passenger with ASD cannot tolerate the noise from the film and suffers a meltdown as a result?

The op is making a meal of it on here even though she has been told the child has sn. No nothing wrong with asking for the device to be turned down but no need for the he even punched it stuff.

Not added salaciously, that was how the mum calmed him down. Loudly, obviously... Was that for my benefit?
The lady upset you but mummy will make it right and cuddle you (made him swap seats for the cuddle) and give you a donut.

I don't know how to deal with SN. I don't know if that's normal."

Well I think your posts very clearly demonstrate the reason behind your posting

All this wide eyed faux "oh is it normal" with the not so subtle judging, throwing in a donut, an ineffectual mother undermining the sensible father...

0/10 from me but I'm sure you are pleased you elicited the sort of responses you were aiming for anyway...

This is so depressing as usual. The number of comments saying why didn't he wear headphones, play a silent game, you can't use SN as an excuse, why was dad silent. If you have a child who has severe autism all of this is completely irrelevant and unhelpful. Travelling in public is simply hellish for these families. They had probably thought long and hard about whether they should attempt it. When ds gets distressed or upset, there is sometimes no calming him. I feel sick when I think about it happening. It can happen because his DVD player breaks, if he hurts himself, his pyjamas don't feel right, once the power went off and it is awful. He attacks me, hurts and injures himself, screams, pulls down the curtains, damages the house etc. If I try and intervene I risk being hurt more or him being hurt. He has no language so you can't explain or parent loudly as I am sure most mumsnetters would in the situation the OP describes. Sometimes staying quiet is the best thing as speaking is contributing to the sensory overload. OP you weren't to know initially so asking for it to be turned down is OK. You then received the explanation and saw the fallout. This tells you that yes, their need for dvd outweighs your need for quiet and your ds sensitivity to one swear word. If every single word was swearing then you might have a point. What this thread tells me is what I have suspected for a long time that people are happy to talk about and accommodate physical disabilities. They are actually unwilling to accommodate hidden ones or ones related to the persons behaviour. You can autistic if you are quirky and a bit odd. You cannot be loud, aggressive and distressing to watch or look at. You cannot expect the world to bend for you. If this is what you need then you should stay in so the rest of society can focus on being nice and encouraging to the socially acceptable disabled population. Most days I wish my ds was normal so I could have a normal life, sometimes I confess I wish that if he was going to be disabled he could have something more socially inclusive so we could at least be part of the world of families, holidays and going out. How fucked up is that?