I've been reading this thread with a lot of interest. I used to be very much on the 'transwomen are real women' fence but I'm coming around again.
I have two friends who have gone through opposite sides of the trans process. I have never known the FTM friend as anything but male, he never talks about it, never insists on any kind of treatment or concessions for himself and basically lives the way a man would live. Methinks there's an element of gendered socialization there, he lived as a woman for 19 years and is used to not being listened to.
Our other friend, who is mid-transition from M to F, is the polar opposite. She has publicly, in person and online, made a huge deal out of the details of her transition. She tends to be invasive in people's personal space and hyper-emotional and insists that we make concessions for this. At the moment she is involved in a very toxic relationship and anyone who expresses concern is a hateful bigot. It's very strange, when she lived as a male she was polite and respectful, but now as a female it seems to be a combination of how she thinks females should behave mixed with toxic male entitlement.
Speaking of which, I just attended a fashion event which was mostly attended by women, and one cross-dressing man attended too. (Not trans, was just a hobby.) We were very welcoming to him and treated him like one of the girls, but he had this curiously fixed idea of how women were meant to behave and he was trying to conform to that. He was a good bit bitchier than the other girls in attendance and found it weird that we were laughing so hard and so often. When we left to catch the bus, most of us swapped out our fancy shoes for flats and he was really taken aback by that, as though he expected us to be in fancy mode until we got home.
It does raise the question as to how you can be expected to be accepted as a woman when so much of the behavior is so very male.