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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Photos on Facebook

137 replies

SarahDuckandMummy · 29/10/2015 00:13

I really don't know what etiquette is, so am quite prepared to be told IABU and PFB.

I post a reasonable amount of photos of DS on Facebook for my friends and family to see. I don't have many friends on Facebook and my privacy settings mean that only my friends can see my photos.

I emailed a photo to a family member of DS, he then posted the photo on Facebook. He has 998 friends on Facebook and his privacy settings mean that anyone can see his photos.

AIBU to ask him to take it down? I'm not happy with it being on there but don't want to come across hypocritical or start a family feud. DH doesn't really see my issue with it.

OP posts:
babyiwantabump · 29/10/2015 00:15

YANBU

toobreathless · 29/10/2015 00:19

YANBU.

The etiquette is you do NOT put pictures of other peoples children on social media without their permission.

caroldecker · 29/10/2015 00:31

what exactly is your issue? Can you explain succinctly why one photo of your DS, visible on facebook is a problem?
If so, explain to him, if not get a grip.

DontStopBelievin · 29/10/2015 00:42

YANBU. I love Facebook, post status updates every five minutes and post pictures of my kids and what we're up to.
I do, however, have a completely locked down profile to anyone not in my friend list, and everyone in my friends list I have met personally.
I would not be happy if someone took it upon themselves to upload photos to their profile, though. I don't know everyone in theirs.
Especially if anyone had public or a friends of friends open profile, which is basically public under another name.
It's basic manners. Don't post pictures of other children's kids unless you know it is OK to do so.

Unreasonablebetty · 29/10/2015 00:43

I completely agree!!
Not U at all.
I personally wouldn't allow it, and very much like you I don't have very many Facebook friends.
I had to have a similar discussion as you'll need to have with one of my old school friends.
She came to my wedding and took lots of photos, I had to ask her to please not put them on Facebook as there are people who I don't want to see photos of my daughter, and apart from that reason, my wedding was such an intimate day. Everyone I wanted to see parts of our day were invited.
She deleted the photos she had already posted.

MadGhostlyGnome · 29/10/2015 00:59

YANBU. Your child, your decision.

BackforGood · 29/10/2015 01:03

YANBU at all.
You just don't put pictures of other people on FB, without their permission. Doubly so for children.
YWNBU to ask him to take it down.

Mmmmcake123 · 29/10/2015 01:04

Tell him to take it off, if you wanted it to be shared you would have done that in first place.
I don't dislike fb but feel many people need it to make their lives more interesting, longing for likes and comments.

DeepBlueLake · 29/10/2015 05:11

YANBU, he never asked for your permission.

Smidge001 · 29/10/2015 05:26

Just wondering. In the old days you might have sent an actual copy of the picture to him through the mail (post). He might have stuck it up on his fridge so anyone that came into his house would see it - friends, workmen, people at parties etc. is this really very different? (I guess having a completely 'public' profile might make it slightly different, but I do sometimes think we get a bit overly worried/hypocritical vs what might have happened pre-FB)

differentnameforthis · 29/10/2015 05:48

Can you explain succinctly why one photo of your DS, visible on facebook is a problem? Op keeps her profile private, limited people she knows on it.

It's her ds, her choice who sees his photo

Her family member has shared it on his wall. without permission, and 998 people who open doesn't know have seen it.

No one needs to be told to get a grip.

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/10/2015 06:52

I had a family member happily post photos like this on their facebook, who then had a massive go at me for vaguely mentioning a different family member's health in a post (I mean 'nice to see x today, they're feeling a lot better for those who've asked' type thing). They went nuts about me posting other people's personal stuff online 'for all to see'. I pointed out the same about them posting photos and things about my DCs up - 'they don't count, they're only kids, I have a right to post what I like' was her response Hmm. Needless to say that family member does not have easy access to my DCs full stop let alone photos now.

It made me haul in a lot of what I post about them online. However I've come down slightly on things if people have been out and about with them and posted those photos up. I assume that if I trust them enough with my DCs I should trust them to not be an idiot with their FB settings!

lborgia · 29/10/2015 07:18

My DB took photos of me with DS when he was a toddler - very similar - I was astonished that the first time I saw them was on his fb page, with huge numbers of friends I don't know at all.. and not at all shallow i was looking revolting (truly, not in a "no, no you look gorgeous self effacing way). DS was nude in some of them, and generally there were lots and lots of them. They were lovely close, family photos, but I had to let the steam out of my ears before I told him to fucking well take them down. He was astonished and mortified (single, young, wouldn't have thought about it. Obviously).

some people just don't understand, and that's fine, but YANBU to ask for them to be taken off.

lborgia · 29/10/2015 07:21

And on a fridge, someone you let into your house, a 6x4 image that they see for a few seconds is one thing. If you came across them stroking the photo and looking too intense, you'd think that was weird. I don't think I've ever had 998 people in my house. Especially not all in one go Grin

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 07:38

YANBU - I don't put photos on FB of people who are not on FB so therefore have no photos of children.

alicemalice · 29/10/2015 08:20

Well I think once it's out there in social media land, anyone can share it, regardless of your privacy settings.

Bixxy · 29/10/2015 08:38

YADNU

I posted one photo of my child when he was born, then nothing else at all. Once photos are on the Internet, anyone can copy and paste and forward on, etc. He can make that decision when he's old enough.

In a similar fashion to you, family members have put photos on and I have told them politely but firmly to take them down. The only time I allow it is if he's part of group photos at a special event - wedding, christening, etc.

Your decision OP and it should be fully respected.

Ishtar2410 · 29/10/2015 08:41

OP - YANBU

I don't put pictures of my DCs on FB. Or myself, come to that. I don't refer to them by name either. However, I have a friend who is constantly putting pictures up of her DCs which often contain mine, she tags me in them and also refers to them by name.

I have mentioned it to her more than once, but her defence is that she's got her privacy settings set to just friends so no-one else can see them....The school has asked her to stop posting images taken on their property, but she can't see the problem - thinks the school are going over the top. Hmm

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 29/10/2015 08:44

I suppose it depends.

Is it a proud grandfather? Who doesn't see his grandchild very often? Or some teenage cousin whose FB is full of swearing and general immature fuckwittage?

It is your decision ultimately, but I do find the hysteria over photos a bit silly.

And, just as a disinterested curiosity, why would a child in a wedding photo be OK to go on FB but not on its own? There is no difference really, is there?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 29/10/2015 08:45

And it's never too early to put in the old adage that it's far more likely statistically to be that same family member slapping the monkey over your kid's pic than any random stranger on his FB page.....

Yes, I meant to be crude. Because it's the truth.

mmmuffins · 29/10/2015 08:46

YANBU. Content aside, I think it is off to post photos online that someone else has privately sent you of their life.

I sent my family some photos of an event that was important to me. I had not posted the photos on Facebook because it was personal and the event kind of required an explanation. My dad took these photos and posted them on his Facebook, with a misleading story about what had happened! The event had nothing to do with him!

I reckon this will probably happen when my daughter is born too. I live in a different country to my family now, so will be providing most of the photos and I bet they will appear on Facebook. But I wont say anything; posting photos of a baby family member you are excited about at least makes sense, unlike what my dad did!

I would let it go OP, as I'm sure to everyone on his friend's list, it is just another dull baby photo. Mind what you send him in the future though, if you don't like it.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 29/10/2015 08:46

and my privacy settings mean that only my friends can see my photos.

Until they "Like" or comment on them I believe, then you're at the mercy of their privacy settings.

SplatterMustard · 29/10/2015 08:48

He's being unreasonable. Nobody should put photos of other people's children on social media. I don't put any pictures of my DCs on FB but their Aunt and Uncle did and claimed that I was unreasonable to object.

bettyberry · 29/10/2015 09:08

YANBU! my OH even ASKS if he can post a pic of my DC. We have a rule where some pics can be shared if they don't show DCs face. I rarely if ever post any of mine and I'm very very careful about the images I do share and I make damn sure to get folk to remove or crop my DC out of photos on FB.

This is your child's private life and putting it all over FB... they will turn 18 one day and once the image is out there. Its out there!

Also, to publish any photo you have to get the permission of the person or their parent in a professional setting. Why should FB be any different? People can harvest photos, and often do, from FB to sell on or use them to sell goods. If any of you use twitter you just have to look at the images spam bots use on their accounts and the ones used on fake FB profiles. Scammers use FB photos to make profiles look authentic.

Then there have been cases where folk have taken the photos of a child from FB and used it to pretend it is their child. www.yahoo.com/parenting/mom-my-son-was-digitally-kidnapped-what-112545291567.html

FWIW you can report an image to FB and state it is your child and they will take it down for you.

Lastly, I don't want my childs image on FB because I don't want his father to know what he looks like. You must respect a parent's wishes when it comes to this because you do not know for one second the ins and outs of the relationship breakdown or the issues a simple photo online can cause.

BeanGirls · 29/10/2015 09:14

I'm going to go a bit against the grain and say yanbu BUT be ready to have family rolling eyes at you and being annoyed because as you said, you post photos of ds yourself on Facebook. If it were me I'd just let it go. Doubt any of his Facebook friends will be that bothered about your ds -sorry-