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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Photos on Facebook

137 replies

SarahDuckandMummy · 29/10/2015 00:13

I really don't know what etiquette is, so am quite prepared to be told IABU and PFB.

I post a reasonable amount of photos of DS on Facebook for my friends and family to see. I don't have many friends on Facebook and my privacy settings mean that only my friends can see my photos.

I emailed a photo to a family member of DS, he then posted the photo on Facebook. He has 998 friends on Facebook and his privacy settings mean that anyone can see his photos.

AIBU to ask him to take it down? I'm not happy with it being on there but don't want to come across hypocritical or start a family feud. DH doesn't really see my issue with it.

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/10/2015 12:39

Going against the grain because you were unreasonable not to make it clear to them at the time of sending that you don't want it on FB.

I had a similar situation, took a photo of family friend's little boy, his DF, and my DH. They went home, I posted it publicly on FB to share with them, I got a snotty FB message asking me to take it down. Pedos are everywhere, apparently. I would have minded less had I been told at the time not to share it online.

If you want to risk upsetting this family member because ONE photo of your PFB is now on the internet for all the pedos to descend upon like hungry wolves, go for it. I'm sure they won't be offended at all.

WMittens · 29/10/2015 12:39

I meant to also emphasise that this applies forever, there is no going back.

AlwaysHope1 · 29/10/2015 12:42

I think you are precious tbh. You are being naive to think once someone likes or comments it isn't shared. What exactly do you think people are going to do with the photos?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 29/10/2015 12:42

Oh OK I didn't know that about shared photos - that's good. I think you can save a copy of the image though, right? I do think as a general principle if you post photos online you have to accept that you don't have full control of who might see them.

WMittens · 29/10/2015 12:44

This issue is more to do with who you are friends with than the actual posting of the photo. Can you trust your friends to not do this?

No, this applies to anyone; families fall out, spouses divorce, couples break up, relatives make mistakes, and you cannot vet anyone who anyone of those people are friends with.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2015 12:48

It would have been polite of him to ask.

However, I have no idea what the problem is with other people seeing yet another kid on their FB newsfeed.

And as for, "Carol succinctly, I don't want photos of my child on the internet that anyone can view."

The minute you put your child's photos on the internet, you can kiss them goodbye as there's nothing to stop anyone re-publishing them, as you've already found out.

The best solution all round is to wait until your child is old enough to choose, whether they want their photos on the internet.

I'm sure you wouldn't be too happy if someone took a load of pics of you and put them out there in the public domain, without giving you any say over them?

CallaLilli · 29/10/2015 12:51

By that logic WMittens, nobody would ever share anything with anyone ever, or even send people an actual printed photo of their kid as god knows what the receiver might do with it.

Youarentkiddingme · 29/10/2015 13:21

Yanbu.

I posted a lovely picture of DS on FB once, with friends only view and tagged in my XMIL.
She re posted it without privacy settings.mimmessaged her and asked her to just post for her fripperies ds to see. She was very arsynand I just replied that as I didn't post public pics of my DS she should respect my wishes as his mother that she doesn't and that if she won't I'd not post pictures that she can share anymore - eg de friend her.

Didn't help that I was annoyed at the "look at my darling grandson, he's so lovely, etc etc" post when she doesn't actually bother with him in RL.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 29/10/2015 13:22

YANBU in that you can actually do whatever you want. But imo you are over reacting. I honestly cannot see the problem.

WMittens · 29/10/2015 13:31

CallaLilli

By that logic WMittens, nobody would ever share anything with anyone ever, or even send people an actual printed photo of their kid as god knows what the receiver might do with it.

No, that's not logical. The issue is not, "no one is allowed to share/distribute my content," the issue is "no one is allowed to share/distribute my content that I want to remain out of certain people's reach."

The internet by its very nature is not under the jurisdiction of any one government or organisation, so very definitely not under the control of any one individual. If you put something out there, you cannot guarantee that you can later remove it.

Anything you give to someone else, whether content, IP or an object is then out of your control. Laws do not prevent a person doing what they want with something you've given them, it only provides a process for punishment or compensation. Ultimately yes, everything comes down to how much you trust that person at that point in time. The important point to remember is that that trust level may not be the same in the future.

Supermanspants · 29/10/2015 14:38

Oh FGS. Don't post images on the internet if you would be unhappy about the possibility of non friends and family seeing them.
This is fairly standard advice given to school kids.
Once you post you have very limited control unless every image you post comes with a warning not to re-post... then you will come across as rather precious.

MamaLazarou · 29/10/2015 14:43

YABU. Photos uploaded to FB immediately become the property of FB. Don't put anything online you wouldn't be happy to share around in public.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 29/10/2015 15:01

The security settings are a comforter to the less cynical, nothing real.
Facebook regularily changes its settings.

Cerseirys · 29/10/2015 15:02

Well it's a good idea to review your security settings periodically anyway.

Mundelfall · 29/10/2015 15:32

YANBU.

Once photos are out there it's difficult to delete them. I tried to delete photos from my fb account (innocuous but very good nature photos) and got a message to say I have no access to them and can't delete them. That would be MY own photos that I uploaded and now wished to take off fb.
So much for privacy on the internet. I do not trust fb with any details and only stay on to keep in touch with a group of people I rarely see in RL.

CallaLilli · 29/10/2015 15:33

Huh? I've managed to delete photos from Facebook and never encountered that message.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 29/10/2015 16:22

So much for privacy on the internet.

you are joking right?

MrsDeVere · 29/10/2015 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmaladybird · 29/10/2015 16:35

I can understand if you're a 'celebrity' of any kind (minor included) or they're photos of very personal moments. Other than that YABU, IMO.

If you choose to share photos online, you lose control of them. If the royal family can't have their privacy when it comes to photos, you've got no chance.

Supermanspants · 29/10/2015 16:39

Comparing the expectation of a friend/relative not posting an emailed picture to FB with not making 1000's of copies to be flung out of window is just ridiculous and a rather stupid analogy to make.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 29/10/2015 16:39

I would say that you can't police what others do.

Only post pictures that you would be happy to be shared. I have my FB and Instagram etc set with high privacy but I have no idea about my brother's and sister's settings.

Ask him to take it down but be prepared for it to happen again.

Hereslookingatchoo · 29/10/2015 16:46

I tend to take the view that if you absolutely don't want something shared for all to see then don't put it on FB. My children are adopted so I don't post photos of them on FB or anywhere.

I find it very irritating when other parents photograph their child at a party / soft play / playgroup etc and post it to FB with a whole load of other kids in it; the haven't asked the permission of the parents and then they put other people's kids on FB. Now that annoys me. I've seen one just today in a half term free event - the poster forever puts up pics of their child, literally one a day, and has put one up with loads of other random children included whom I can bet she doesn't really know as its a public event. It could really stitch someone up who say had split up with an abusive ex and who ended up being a friend of a friend of the poster type scenario. Someone took a photo of my kids with other kids and unbeknown to me stuck it in FB but I didn't feel I could make an issue of it without being talked about in our social circle. I've since seen she does it a lot, why she can't just photograph her child I'm not really sure.

Anyhow yanbu but you will need to make it clear in future as most people just don't have an issue with it judging from the stuff on FB!

WMittens · 29/10/2015 16:49

What bollocks about having no say about what happens to a photograph when you email it to a friend or relative.
Its no different from sending them one in the post.

There is an expectation that a friend or relative would be respectful

But that's the naivety - it doesn't really matter what you expect, it is about what they are capable of doing.

If anything, "expectation" is even worse because it suggests there has been no explicit discussion about what behaviour is acceptable - you "expect" them to know what you want or don't want, and that is unreasonable.

It would be reasonably expected that people would not illegally download or share music, films or TV, but oh look! They do!

The safest action is to 'expect' the worst, and work form there.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/10/2015 17:27

So, MrsDeVere, I wasn't respectful when I uploaded the photo I took of family friend and his DS (and my DH) and uploaded it to FB to share it with him? Even though he posed and watched me take it and said nothing? Wow, there's a whole new level of social media etiquette that I didn't know about.

I have a friend who screenshots text conversations she's part of and posts those to FB and Instagram without checking with the other party. That's disrespectful. Trying to share a nice photo when you've not been explicitly told not to? Yeah, not so much.

Supermanspants · 29/10/2015 17:29

All this angst about pictures of kids on FB.

I will assume these posters ensure their kids are covered up every time they leave the house so nobody can look at them.

On no. . I had better not take any pictures of my kids at an outdoor event because there are other kids in the background I can't possibly post them on FB because of the remote unicorn-in-my-bed chance a friend of a friend of a friend recognises a child in the background and reports back to an abusive ex and . . . .

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