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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Photos on Facebook

137 replies

SarahDuckandMummy · 29/10/2015 00:13

I really don't know what etiquette is, so am quite prepared to be told IABU and PFB.

I post a reasonable amount of photos of DS on Facebook for my friends and family to see. I don't have many friends on Facebook and my privacy settings mean that only my friends can see my photos.

I emailed a photo to a family member of DS, he then posted the photo on Facebook. He has 998 friends on Facebook and his privacy settings mean that anyone can see his photos.

AIBU to ask him to take it down? I'm not happy with it being on there but don't want to come across hypocritical or start a family feud. DH doesn't really see my issue with it.

OP posts:

Spero · 30/10/2015 08:39

I just think it's bad form and all about stroking the parents ego really

Aha, here we come to the beating heart of what I suspect is the REAL reason people object - they see it as rather crass and vulgar and just 'not done'. They don't seriously think any harm would come to their child because - apart from obvious serious cases where a child's identity needs to be kept secret because of dangers from abusive adults find him - there is no harm that is likely to arise.

You are of course entitled to think that. But you need to understand and accept that many, many other people don't think like that - and more, will think you are absurd.

When I lived in Australia I posted lots of pictures of my daughter, mainly because my mum could see them. If other friends didn't want to engage, I am quite sure they scrolled past them pretty quickly. But my mum loved seeing what my daughter was up to on the other side of the world. She was my mum's only grandchild.

You can categorise that as 'stroking my ego' if you like, but I think you are profoundly mistaken.

Its about engagement, connection, keeping in touch with the people we love. My daughter's employment or life prospects will having nothing to do with pictures of her playing on the beach aged 5. What kind of bizarre world do people think we live in? Privacy is about far, far more than just someone seeing a picture of you somewhere. In what real or consequential way is that possibly a breach of your 'privacy'? Unless you stay indoors all the time or only go out veiled, it is NOT a breach of your 'privacy' that someone sees an image of you. You will be in plain sight of many 100s of strangers every time you go out.

Fishfingersong · 30/10/2015 08:55

"Sigh. And I would reiterate that this only happens if your privacy settings aren't set to Friends Only."

I have set my privacy settings to "friends only" so the pictures i post can only be seen by my FB friends. However, as soon as one of them likes my photo, it will appear in their activity log and news feed. I don't believe you can prevent this, or can you? If yes, exactly how? It's true I don't use FB terribly much so might have missed our on a setting.

Cerseirys · 30/10/2015 09:22

If you set something to friends only then that's who will see the photos. It will appear in a friend's activity log but only they can see that and it will appear in their newsfeed to any mutual friends you may have but it won't appear in the feed of anyone you aren't friends with. And if they share a photo you have posted (directly from your post rather than downloading and reuploading) it will again only appear to your mutual friends.

WMittens · 30/10/2015 09:28

Upload a photo of your kids that's public or set to friends of friends and then yes, your friend's friends will see it. Set it to friends only and only your mutual friends will. It isn't rocket science.

And as I put much earlier in the thread, if someone really wants to share the photo, they can right click, 'Save picture as...' and then reupload (or do whatever they want with it).

There is no prohibition on downloading and saving pictures from Facebook.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2015 09:39

Spero, no of course I don't think any harm can be done to a child (just possible embarrassment).

And I do think posting kid's pics on FB strokes the parent's ego, otherwise they'd just email them to grandparents etc.

Cerseirys · 30/10/2015 09:57

And as I put much earlier in the thread, if someone really wants to share the photo, they can right click, 'Save picture as...' and then reupload (or do whatever they want with it).

Well yes but they could equally do that with a photo you emailed them. Or a photo you snail mailed them. It isn't exclusive to Facebook. So the only way to stop it from happening would be to never share any photos of your children at all, be it electronically or physically.

Original poster

SarahDuckandMummy · 30/10/2015 10:12

I'm totally aware that most people probably aren't especially interested in photos of my son. But I think that because he isn't old enough to say if he wants them online or not, my job as his mother is to try and control this.

I am not really worried about paedophiles but (again maybe I'm flattering myself!) I don't really want ex partners and estranged family members being able to view these photos.

On my Facebook I have very few photos of him and I carefully select what I put up. From reading this thread I have looked at things from a much wider perspective. No one is going to die or come to harm because BIL posted a photo, but I do think he should have asked if it is ok. Last night he set another photo of DS as his profile photo. I think this is bad form and I will ask him not to do that, but will be more relaxed about him uploading other photos on the proviso that he maybe sets his security so only friends and family can see.

OP posts:

WMittens · 30/10/2015 10:28

That's kind of the point I've been making. The difference is the speed and distance of dissemination via social media. Before the widespread adoption of electronic (visual) media, it was extremely limited as to what someone could accomplish with a hard copy.

Spero · 30/10/2015 11:21

And I do think posting kid's pics on FB strokes the parent's ego, otherwise they'd just email them to grandparents etc

Putting a photo on a Facebook album - pretty quick. Selecting photos to email, reducing them in size, only being able to send a few at any time, not being able to share comments and reactions easily with those who are interested... its not the same at all.

I am intrigued as to why you think people who want to keep connections with those they love are 'stroking their egos'.

I am also intrigued as to why anyone should care if an estranged family member sees a photo, unless of course you think that family member wants to track you down and do you harm.

Photos are not pieces of your soul. They are not 'you'. Other people looking at them has no impact on you unless you chose to let it.

this thread is about people not understanding that other people do not necessarily share their world view. You have to communicate. The photo went on Facebook because the BIL did not think for one second he was doing anything 'wrong'. The problem here is not that he didn't share the op's world view but that she didn't realise she had to communicate that to him.

trian · 30/10/2015 13:53

not looking fwd to having to deal with this kind of bullshit myself, I don't want photos of my kids on facebook (currently over 8 month pregnant with my first).

I bet one of the child protection charities (Childline, Kidscape, NSPCC etc) publishes some guidance on their website that says not to post pics of your kids. Referring to that guidance (in a non-pompous way) is more likely to put an end to any arguments anyone chooses to make, rather than just your (correct) opinion vs their opinion. I know loads of people post pics of their kids and that's fine if you're aware of the risks and take steps to mitigate those risks, but everyone should respect a parent/carer's decision not to have pics posted.

Spero · 30/10/2015 14:23

If there is a charity which advises not to post pictures of your children on line, I would like to see that advice.

Spero · 30/10/2015 14:26

This advice seems sensible. Its about understanding privacy settings and who your friends are. I am not aware of ANY organisation that advises a blanket ban on publishing photos on line. But interested to know if any do.

ikeepsafe.org/be-a-pro/privacy/cybersafety-posting-photos-of-children-online/

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