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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD 's friend to stop begging me for things.

132 replies

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 10:37

They are 9. Friend will be staying over on Friday night. She is a sweet child but she begs constantly, for food, chocolates, fizzy drinks, for gifts from shops. She goes in cupboards hunting for snacks and leaves gooey wrappers everywhere l. Consequently, I have her round less than DD would like.
I normally tell child not to beg and explain that it would be polite to wait to be offered. Child's mum is not interested in stoppingvthis behaviour. In fact last time she begged me for things she'd seen in Claire Accessories, she told her mum I'd asked her not to beg and mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.
Sony help from mum. Any point in trying to stop the begging, or just lots if repeated 'no's?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/10/2015 10:40

Just say no.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2015 10:43

I'd put a stop to her going in the cupboards. That is really awful.

I don't understand why you think the other mum punished you by buying her daughter a bag. And bragging she'd bought it herself? Who else should buy it?

I'd give them a bag of stuff they can have and everything else would be banned. If she couldn't cope with that, I'd take her home again.

Mermaidhair · 15/10/2015 10:45

If just saying no isn't working, change tactics. So if you go to the shops say in the car, ok kids you each have $2 (sorry Aussie here) to spend. After you have spent your money please don't ask for anything more. Or if you don't want to give money let them know in the car not to ask you for things. At home be structured with meal and snack times and again let them know not to ask. It must be annoying, but I'm just giving you another option to try.

flanjabelle · 15/10/2015 10:45

I would just say no, repeatedly. It makes no difference that her mum bought her the bag. that is fine, its her job not yours.

Tokelau · 15/10/2015 10:46

Keep saying no. She sounds annoying, but it's not surprising if that's the way her mother behaves. I would also tell her that she is not to go hunting in cupboards in someone else's house. Actually, I don't think I would have her around at all, but I'm mean like that.

KinkyAfro · 15/10/2015 10:48

Agree with Imperial, why would she bragging to you about a bag she'd bought for her daughter

Just keep saying no, if it persists then she doesn't come round

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:50

I'd tell her not to look in cupboards and then have planned meals and treats, then say no to everything else.

QueenofallIsee · 15/10/2015 10:55

I wouldn't have her again. One of my DS's has a friend like this, a cinema trip sticks in my mind when he was practically writhing on the floor begging for a large popcorn rather than the kids meal thing. Last time I took him. I certainly wouldn't be having the child you describe out in shops with me!

CrapBag · 15/10/2015 10:57

I'd say no very firmly and tell her not to ask again. If she persisted I'd tell her she had been warned and she was going to have to go home now and wouldn't be invited around if she didn't stop it.

It's unbelievably rude and the mother should be stopping this.

DS has a friend who I didn't realise did this to an extent. He came around, claimed he'd had no dinner, constantly asked for food to the point I did tea early to shut him up. I mentioned it to his mum and apparently he does eat a lot at home (he's very sporty and active so seems hungrier, he's a small boy as well). We don't snack between meals as my DCs wouldn't eat their meals if they did so I was quite surprised by it.

I mentioned it to his mum who discovered he had had lunch (his dad had been looking after him) and was just after more food. She spoke to him that he wasn't to do it in other people's houses. Given he is very well mannered I don't expect it again when he next comes over and if he does start I'll have a firm word.

spiderlight · 15/10/2015 11:00

DS has/had a friend like this. I caught her going through my freezer last time she came round, and she goes through my bag if I'm distracted on the school run just in case there are sweets in there. Fortunately DS is now firmly in the 'I don't play with girls' stage, which makes it easier to fend off her almost daily requests to come over. It's exhausting though. I feel horrible constantly saying no but she would literally eat - or at least taste and then dump - everything nice in the house if I let her. And this is not a hungry, neglected child, believe me!

MammaTJ · 15/10/2015 11:05

mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.

The Mum punished you? Really? You see her making a decision to buy her 9 year old something she had asked you for as punishing you?

My own 10 year old is constantly asking for food, but is not allowed to become overweight due to health problems! She just gets told no. It won't kill her! It is irritating to have to all the time, but it really won't hurt.

If she was to ask someone else for a bag in a shop, they reasonably said no as it is not for them to spend their hard earned on my child, but I then decided to buy it for her, I would be absolutely disgusted with anyone who thought I did it to punish them!

expatinscotland · 15/10/2015 11:05

After the Claire's incident, I'd no longer have this child around or send my child to hers.

123Jump · 15/10/2015 11:10

If I read it correctly the child begged for the bag in CA, the OP said no, then the child begged her own mum for it and she bought it, casting it up to the OP that she is some sort of tight cahn or summat.
Get tough OP. I cannot bear begging from kids. Tell her this is what you are having as a treat or whatever, nothing else, please don't ask or ill take you home. And follow through.
Doesn't sound like missing out on the mothers company would be a bad thing if she starts to get arsey with you.

Mundelfall · 15/10/2015 11:14

"I'd say no very firmly and tell her not to ask again. If she persisted I'd tell her she had been warned and she was going to have to go home now and wouldn't be invited around if she didn't stop it. "

^ This. And follow it through after one warning. I wouldn't want my dd thinking this is acceptable behaviour from anyone. Plus you will do this child a favour and she doesn't become one of life's freeloaders (see all the brass neck threads out there! She's halfway there).

Mundelfall · 15/10/2015 11:16

... or you could send the child's mother an invoice for all the food and treats her daughter has demanded (if you want to have no further contact)

Asteria36 · 15/10/2015 11:18

to the "punishment" thing - the child probably nagged the hell out of its mother the next time they went past a Claire's. Saying she bought it to punish you makes you sound dreadfully self-centred op!

As for the spoilt brat say no! If the mother is that worried about you saying no to her precious little flower then she should not leave it in your care.

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 11:35

Yes it does make me sound self centred asteria but this is honestly what the mum did. She wanted to make a point that noone tells her child what's what and really made a point of showing me the exact bag I'd told her DD I couldn't buy her. It cost about £25 BTW and her DD only liked it on a whim.
It's relevant to mention it because it demonstrates how the mum is teaching the child to behave.

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 15/10/2015 11:42

If any child, including mine randomly asked for a £25 bag I would laugh. A lot.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/10/2015 11:43

I don't get the bag thing either - so what if her mum bought her the bag, why is that punishing you?

Marcipex · 15/10/2015 11:43

Hunting through cupboards?!
She'd get a rocket in our house.

Nonnainglese · 15/10/2015 11:45

It's sounding like the child's mother is expecting OP to feed/subsidise the child!
It's preposterous behaviour imo, very strange - I'd stop the child visiting.

reni2 · 15/10/2015 11:45

Don't take her to a shop again and don't allow her in the kitchen.

MerdeAlor · 15/10/2015 11:52

You don't sound self centred to me.

You don't have to out up with this. You need to give your DDs friend boundaries and explain cause and effect.

'These are our house rules, if you can't follow them, you can't come round again.'

reni2 · 15/10/2015 11:52

Wait, what? Your dd's 9yo friend begged you for a £25 bag? I had the odd misguided 4yo who hadn't yet grasped what sort of stuff only parents buy for children, but 9?

Muckogy · 15/10/2015 11:55

no way would i let her rummage through my cupboards. i'd throw her out if she did that.
i would not have her round again.

just say no.
no kid would be bossing me around, let me tell you.

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