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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD 's friend to stop begging me for things.

132 replies

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 10:37

They are 9. Friend will be staying over on Friday night. She is a sweet child but she begs constantly, for food, chocolates, fizzy drinks, for gifts from shops. She goes in cupboards hunting for snacks and leaves gooey wrappers everywhere l. Consequently, I have her round less than DD would like.
I normally tell child not to beg and explain that it would be polite to wait to be offered. Child's mum is not interested in stoppingvthis behaviour. In fact last time she begged me for things she'd seen in Claire Accessories, she told her mum I'd asked her not to beg and mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.
Sony help from mum. Any point in trying to stop the begging, or just lots if repeated 'no's?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 23:16

So just why are you having the little madam for a sleepover??

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 23:20

Because she is my daughter's best friend.

OP posts:

var123 · 15/10/2015 23:22

Maybe it's time for your DD to strengthen her other friendships and let this on drift a bit?
The longer the friendship carries on, the longer you'll be on the mother's radar and the greater the potential for her to turn on you "for devilment"

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 23:27

I agree var but at this point in time this friendship is very important to DD.

OP posts:

reni2 · 15/10/2015 23:27

I think it's great you host her, OP. I wish I had your strength and ability to take a step back. I find it hard to enable a friendship if I find a child really hard work.

Lauren15 · 15/10/2015 23:28

Count yourself lucky Op. My DD (7) has 3 friends who behave like this. I'm not joking. I don't want to take any of them out with us again but I feel it's unfairly depriving dd.

Grilledaubergines · 15/10/2015 23:30

Tell her the treats during her stay are x, y and z and make it clear nothing else is available And you don't want to hear her ask.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 15/10/2015 23:35

I don't think the mum is punishing you. The child only nags her mother because she knows nagging gets her what she wants. The mum is letting herself be manipulated by the child.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 15/10/2015 23:39

Great you are setting boundaries though. I have been nagged by my children's friends and I firmly blame their parents for training them to behave this way

MistressDeeCee · 15/10/2015 23:41

This child's mother said no-one tells her child whats what?

& this child begs from you regularly?

Well then YABU in being a doormat for your DC's friends its not a good example to set at all.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2015 23:41

Don't just tell her to stop or tell her no.

Tell her there are consequences and follow through. The consequence is to bring her home.

This will be hard on your DD of course, but you will both have to suck it up, and I suggest you ask your DD to find some other friends too. This should be your ultimate aim here. The child and her mother are far too hard work.

Do not provide treats or entertainment for any children who come over to play or for sleepovers. You will soon find out who really likes your kids and who is taking you for a sucker.

RockinHippy · 16/10/2015 00:21

I haven't read all of the replies, but I've read enough to see that this will not end well & you need to be discouraging this friendship & encouraging your DD to find new friends.

If this girl is this cheeky & manipulative now, you can guess how bad it's going to get in years to come. She has a dangerous teacher in her mother & trust me, when the hormones & playground queen bee shenanigans kick in in the next few years, this girl will be one toxic manipulative madam, who very likely to make your DDs life hell & if she helps herself to snacks now - you can only guess what she will be helping herself to in years to come. The DM isn't teaching her boundaries & it will only get worse as they get older

Honestly, nip it in the bud now whilst you still can.

pinotblush · 16/10/2015 00:32

Im the same in thinking at 9 this is really strange behaviour. I feel really rather sad for the child. Im not sure I'd actually stop your DD being friends with her though. I'd give the child clear instructions of what to do/not to do when with me or in my house.

Jux · 16/10/2015 00:34

Var no, I didn't miss it.

Horton ah sanity! Thank goodness.

reni2 · 16/10/2015 00:53

You are right, pinot, I wondered that, too. As I said earlier on the thread I've seenseen a 4yo mixing up things his or her mum might buy and things any mum might buy for them, but a 9 yo should have outgrown that, it's really quite babyish.

NinjaLeprechaun · 16/10/2015 01:20

My daughter used to have a friend who used to always beg for things after she'd been told no - until the time my daughter explained to her that "if you keep asking after my mom says no, she'll say no next time as well." She had to be reminded a few times, but she stopped doing it after that.
Either I'd do that, or I'd start taking away things I already agreed that they could have/do.

If she asks you to buy her something you don't say no, you say that you won't buy it, but if she wants it she has to ask her mum. That way, when mum comes to you saying "look what you said she couldn't have" you can explain that you didn't say she couldn't have it, and that she'd in fact done exactly what you'd told her to do.

Games like they're playing are no fun at all if the other person won't play.

var123 · 16/10/2015 05:52

Just I wasn't trying to argue. It's just it wasn't in your description of what happened and, I think, it was the part that explained the other mother's motivation.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2015 06:35

Yabu to be asking anyone if they 'want lists of what to buy' unless they ask for one.

A playpen is an odd item to buy a newborn though. Unless you had asked for one.

Senpai · 16/10/2015 06:44

You know, my mom was strict with other children that stayed over. They were a pain then, but as they got older they liked the stability that my parents had vs their house which is ironic because our family was dysfunctional as fuck behind closed doors.

Your DD's friend might not like it now, but one day when she's older she might appreciate it.

Senpai · 16/10/2015 06:45

Oh, I think the word you're looking for is "spiteful". Not being snotty, just trying to help you find a more accurate word. :)

Only1scoop · 16/10/2015 06:50

Whoops sorry

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2015 07:04

I understand that the child's mother brandished the bag in your face to show that her DD can have whatever she asks for, but she's kind of missing the point - you weren't saying "No" to her because she wasn't allowed to have it, you were saying "No" to her because in no way was it your remit to be buying it for her! Her mother sounds rather odd, tbh - if she wants to waste her money on frippery for her DD, that's down to her - it doesn't adversely affect you in any way. OTOH, her DD expecting that YOU would buy it for her (£25!!) is ridiculous, and very wrong - she's bringing her DD up with the expectation that she only has to ask someone with money for something and she should get it - WRONG!

As for going through cupboards - well that's tantamount to stealing and would result in a house-ban here. I get what you're saying about her being your DD's friend, but that has to be a boundary that cannot be crossed, IMO, otherwise your DD will eventually learn by osmosis that it's ok, regardless of what she's been taught by you.

As to your AIBU - absolutely not. Your guest should abide by the general house rules in terms of snacks etc., and should have better manners than to ask for expensive items when out at the shops!! So by all means, since her mum won't teach her better, let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable - but for goodness' sake have some back up to it, by saying that she won't be allowed to come round again if she carries on.

MrsDeathOfRats · 16/10/2015 07:53

I have read this whole thread and am just gobsmacked.
I'm storing all the advice here away for later in my DC's lives and hoping I don't encounter any of these kids!!
hoping desperately that my child won't BE this kid!
Manners are hugely important here. I can't stand begging and rudeness. At 3 my dd would never dream of begging me for something, she might try harder with grandma though but she would never ask a friends mum. Although I suspect she hasn't reached the age for this kind of confidence yet.

Genuinely gobsmacked!!

Scoobydoo8 · 16/10/2015 08:39

Because she is my daughter's best friend

At 9 DCs are very influenced by their DP's views and attitudes.

Just a few comments about the Dgirl being 'very demanding', or that
'she will make herself unpopular' in your DD's hearing might sow the seeds that make her look for a new BF. The DGirl doesn't sound much fun anyway.

kissmethere · 16/10/2015 08:58

Everytime I read a thread about a child like this I think of DS's friend. She can't take no for an answer and is very manipulative and deceitful. They're only primary school age! Her mum will just stand there while I keep repeating "no" and I look like the wicked witch. You wouldn't believe the stories she tells ds and how far she will go to get her own way.
I make an effort to help with his friendship circle but he has no desire for her to be in it.

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