To tell DD 's friend to stop begging me for things.

[knickernicker]

They are 9. Friend will be staying over on Friday night. She is a sweet child but she begs constantly, for food, chocolates, fizzy drinks, for gifts from shops. She goes in cupboards hunting for snacks and leaves gooey wrappers everywhere l. Consequently, I have her round less than DD would like.
I normally tell child not to beg and explain that it would be polite to wait to be offered. Child's mum is not interested in stoppingvthis behaviour. In fact last time she begged me for things she'd seen in Claire Accessories, she told her mum I'd asked her not to beg and mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.
Sony help from mum. Any point in trying to stop the begging, or just lots if repeated 'no's?

I would have no problems with my DC friends asking for drinks or snacks but I would be to find them rifling through the cupboards. Who brings up their children to think it's okay to just help themselves to other people's stuff?
I'd either not have her over anymore or lay down the law the moment she gets in. 'If you want a snack please ask and I'll see what I can do. Nobody is allowed to just take food from the kitchen.'

I honestly wouldn't allow her to come round again regardless of whether or not she is a friend of your DD. At that age friendships are often still fairly fickle anyway.

My DD2 tended to attract this sort of "friend" a fair bit. More than one was pointedly banned by me from ever coming round again.

I hope you don't live to regret the sleepover, and that you don't find the little madam emptying your cupboards or fridge at 2.00am.

I'll let you all know how sleepover went tomorrow. I've arranged to collect friend as when mum drops off, she likes to come in for a long chat or as I see it a lengthy loud rant about her life.

Good on you for not giving in to her OP, it's sad that her mum isn't willing to teach her what is and isn't acceptable behavior but all you can do is set your own house rules for your own dd's sake. Hope the sleepover goes well!

I look forward to the update knicker . She can't let us down by being good can she? (although hope for your sake she is). We have a sleepover going on here too. They are a bit older and there has been a lot of shrieking. Although it worries me more now because it's all gone very quiet.

State it's not what we do in our house .
Same when out .
Repeat .
Dripping tap method.
The mother sounds defensive and when she said that no one tells her daughter what to do - well when she is in your care IT is done your way - you can't be expected to change your parenting ! What Wd that say to your dc !!!!!!

Any update OP?

The OP is currently trussed up in a cupboard while the visitor take full advantage of he credit card, with a change of delivery address to by pass the OP!

Oh awkward! My opinion? Tell her not to come round. My DD has a school friend whose family moved into the village about 6 months ago. The friend was round EVERY NIGHT for the first month or so, always expecting to be fed and taking snacks without asking all the time. Would keep asking DD if she could keep stuff that belonged to DD and stropping when I or DD said no. Also we're big on manners here and she is plain rude, impolite and never says Ty which is a thing, totally! The final straw was that she went out of her way to wind up usually placid DS to the point where he went down to the local park in the pouring rain rather than stay in the house. That evening I spoke to DD's friend and her Mum and explained she wasn't able to come round anymore and why. The Mum looked crestfallen and explained her DD had been 'banned' from loads of friends houses and she couldn't understand why as she was such a lovely girl ... I had just laid bare exactly why and so could do nothing but fish impressions. I made my excuses and left. Some parents have real thick rose lenses and never see sense =/

Ohh I'm a bit uncomfortable with some of the comments about this little girl (not the OP's). She's a child, she's not toxic, and it's not ok to talk like that about a child. Poor thing, she sounds like she has a really emotionally unstable home life to be honest. I think she will benefit from having rules and boundaries at the OP's house: she at least has the opportunity to see how most people live. I do agree that the OP needs to keep an eye on the friendship as there is a danger of the little friend turning on the DD. But before that happens it's not ok to write her off as 'toxic.' She an emotionally maltreated little girl.

Why not just say, 'if you like it, ask your mum for it'.

Puts it back on the mum to cough up and get.

Hell I'd say to the kid, 'if you want expensive things, ask your mum to give you some money to buy them'.

The mum is doing the child no favours and I feel sorry for her, her friends and later on in life her partners, will find whining to get what you want annoying.

If the mum tries to make a point with you just smile and say 'that's great, I thought you'd get it for her if she really wanted it, I'll make sure to point anything she likes out to you next time so you can get it.'

If she's just wanting to get her child things then you are doing her a favour, if she's trying to make a point then she's buggered because you've stepped over and ignored it.

Going through cupboards and things, I'd lock them.

If she begs just say to her 'No, if you want it though you can call you mum and ask you to bring them round.'

Again puts it back on the mum to be the one having to enable rather then putting it on others.

Does the mother really expect that you should buy her dd whatever she wants when she's with you? Does she treat your dd to expensive things when the visit is at her house, or is the visit never at hers?

You say she comes in for a rant about how awful her life is. I think there's the crux - she's self-pitying and self-indulgent and spoils her dd as a two-fingered salute to the world. Ghastly. I'd be knocking that friendship on the head - your dd will get over it.

I agree that this is an emotionally maltreated little girl. I don't think she is an entirely hopeless case. At least for the time she is with you, she could be made to behave herself.

I once had a child in my home as part of an arrangement with her parent (casual favour done for the parent). She was inclined to test the boundaries after she started feeling at home. After one verbal incident I decided to lay down the law, and said with my best shocked expression, eyebrows raised, looking straight at her and down on one knee at her eye level, 'Oh my goodness, nobody speaks to me like that here,' and she pulled up her socks immediately. We all had a much better time from then on.

Ultimately, if you think the child is ungovernable (old fashioned phrase but I think it fits) and if you suspect the mother will not put her foot down, you can distance your family and your child from this child and her family.

There was another thread on here recently about sharing between adults and children, and at least one poster expressed surprise that an adult would refuse to share her stuff with the child in question. She apparently brings her children up in the knowledge that everything in the house is fair game, everything is for sharing. Perhaps she's related to the mum of the other little girl in this scenario? Perhaps that's what happens when you fail to set boundaries of ownership.

It may have been said already, but I was thinking about this thread and maybe the girl will actually secretly like being given limits.
If all the psychology about children is correct, as I understand it, then she is basically pushing until she is given a limit.
This will make her feel more secure.

One, I would not want my DD having a best friend who carries on like this, she sounds like not a very nice kid. Bad enough that she is begging for stuff and rummaging though your cupboards, but to answer you back like that is unbelievable. .

Two, are you sure the mother expected you to buy a £25 bag for her 9 year old ? I find it hard to believe anyone would expect that and be pissed off that the person did not buy it. Maybe you are reading more into it than there is.

DD has a friend like this. She's actually a very sweet girl but is used to doing and getting whatever she wants so I had to explain to her that's not how it works here. I just say no whenever its appropriate. I don't actually care what she tells her mum, that's not my concern.

This would drive me crazy! We are quite generous parents but begging/nagging is not allowed. If a DC wants something they can ask and put a reasonable case forward. If we don't want them to have something, no means no and they know it!

She asked you for a £25 bag?

Why didn't you say No, your mum hasn't given me any spending money for you so jog on absolutely not.

If she keeps going through cupboard, move the sweets and replacing them with things like dried pasta and bags of lentils.
If she goes through your bag, tell her off for stealing.
If she keeps asking for things like sweets, say no and ignore further requests.

She's 9, she fully understands No btw.

And maybe mention to the Mum that she might have worms because she's always asking for food - is she this hungry at home? [worried face] etc

Why even take a child with form for this nonsense shopping in Claire's Accessories? Even the least grabby child might assume you'd taken them in there for a treat (not to the tune of 25 quid, admittedly, but still)

Agree. I suspect I could rarely be bothered having a child like this in my house. I'd also be concerned about her grabbiness rubbing off on my daughter. I wouldn't be encouraging the relationship by having her round. If my daughter wanted to play outside with her that's fine. If she's hungry she goes home for her tea.

Is it wrong that I'm marking my place for a sleepover update?

Sorry it's taken time for me to update.DD's friend didn't go in any drawers, didn't beg and generally surprised me, so perhaps it paid to imagine the worst (and it has previously been worse).
Only 2 slightly annoying things were asking DD for top bunk as soon as she arrived, meaning DD couldn't offer guest her choice as guest had already asked (they shared top bunk in the end) and asking to come again for a longer sleepover a lot.