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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD 's friend to stop begging me for things.

132 replies

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 10:37

They are 9. Friend will be staying over on Friday night. She is a sweet child but she begs constantly, for food, chocolates, fizzy drinks, for gifts from shops. She goes in cupboards hunting for snacks and leaves gooey wrappers everywhere l. Consequently, I have her round less than DD would like.
I normally tell child not to beg and explain that it would be polite to wait to be offered. Child's mum is not interested in stoppingvthis behaviour. In fact last time she begged me for things she'd seen in Claire Accessories, she told her mum I'd asked her not to beg and mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.
Sony help from mum. Any point in trying to stop the begging, or just lots if repeated 'no's?

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/10/2015 12:13

Is the child getting enough to eat at home?
Is the child allowed sweet treats and fizzy drinks at home?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 15/10/2015 12:16

I wouldn't have her round. End of.
I once walked into the kitchen to find ds's "friend" had helped himself to a huge slice of the birthday cake in the fridge.The birthday tea was that night. He then blamed ds's little dbs. With great big smears of chocolate icing round his gob. Home in two minutes.

MajesticWhine · 15/10/2015 12:25

How very very strange. Why on earth would either child or mother imagine you might get her something in Claires? For £25! Shock

You need to get firm. Give them the allowed sweets, drinks or whatever, but make it clear if she starts looking for more or begging or whining, then the sleepover is cancelled and she goes home.

reni2 · 15/10/2015 12:27

Bloody hell, OhWhat Shock. I have found youngsters rummaging in cupboards but at least they asked before they actually tried to eat what they'd found. What did their parents say?

EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 12:32

My eldest DD had a friend exactly like this when she was about 9 or 10. Wanted stuff constantly - either stuff she could see/find in the house, or asking for things if we were within shouting distance of a shop. Materialistically speaking she was spoiled. Every thing she asked her mum for she got. ASAP.

I feel awful to say it but in the end i hated having this girl round.

The mother was uninterested in doing anything about the behavior so in the end i just stopped letting the girl come round to play.

DD was allowed round to her house, (although that hardly ever happened - the mother didn't 'do' play dates ...) or i'd take them both out somewhere there was nothing on sale. Like the woods!

WoodleyPixie · 15/10/2015 12:33

Don't take them shopping. I only go shopping with dd's friends (also 9) if we are meeting with the mum, i.e my friend as well. I wouldn't take another persons child shopping unless they had their own money that was equal to the money my dd had. Or I would set a limit for both, hand them £5 as we crossed the threshold of claires/smuggle and say not a penny more.

with regards to the food, set rules that they ask you or you h for food and don't just help themselves. Offer a snack on arrival after school along with a drink and say tea/dinner will be at ?? it is fishfingers/burgers/pizza, and don't give in to excessive snacking. If keep asking for drinks then offer water.

VenusRising · 15/10/2015 12:47

Maybe she's addicted to sugar. Ask her when she comes in if she wants a sugary snack. Then when she asks again you can say, yes you told me that before.
If she persists tell her that you don't like having children around who pester and beg, and she's not to come again if she keeps it up.

That little hungry and slight boy sounds like he's diabetic, or had too much insulin in his system- has his blood sugar / insulin been checked?

Most kids are thirsty not hungry. Make sure you give water to drink as soon as they come in, before they eat anything. It seems to work for us on play dates.

paulapompom · 15/10/2015 12:52

My Dts had a friend like this at primary school. There was an odd dynamic between her and her mum. I am thinking along the same lines as lonny is she very limited in what she gets at home? Although the expensive bag... Confused.

I'd keep saying no, and maybe explain that you love having her round but it's polite to not keep asking for things and certainly she must not go rummaging in cupboards

jamtartandcustard · 15/10/2015 13:00

I would never dream of buying bags for my dd's friends. That's what their mothers are for! How strage.
As for going through cupboards that is so unbelievably rude. I wouldn't go to my friends houses and started going through their cupboards for food. That's shocking. I don't even let my children get through the cupboards. They have to ask if they can have anything to eat.
I would just start putting my foot down with the friend. Her mother is clearly not teaching her any manners so maybe you should try. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to visit

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 13:05

She wanted to make a point that no one tells her child what's what
Stop having her round Confused. Seriously, stop engaging with the pair of them.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 15/10/2015 13:07

I'd be fucking mortified if my child did this. What is the mother on?

jaswales · 15/10/2015 13:09

You can't parent other people's children, but you can do the
'In our house we don't.......'
In my experience the 'friend' won't last long if she doesn't fit in.

girlywhirly · 15/10/2015 13:45

I agree. In your home, visiting DC obey your rules. You are entitled to warn what they are permitted to do/eat/drink without asking, e.g. get a drink of water, but sometimes it's helpful to let them know what they can't do/have upfront. Rummaging in the cupboards was completely out of bounds in our house. And sweet wrappers went in the bin.

I would tell the girl in question when she comes this Friday, at the first time she begs for something or touches anything in the cupboards or anywhere else without permission she will be going straight home and won't be invited again. This might sound heavy handed but she needs to learn, and it clearly won't be from her mother!

I'd be interested to know how many friends this child has, and who's homes she is welcome in still.

reni2 · 15/10/2015 14:02

Oh, and OP, the friend's mum didn't punish you buying this bag, but herself. She is the one who will spend thousands on he endless whims of her girl once she's a teenager

Original poster
knickernicker · 15/10/2015 15:38

Thanks for advice everyone. We aren't in the position to drop DD's friend as they are close and happy friends, DD isn't influenced by the begging just gets a bit bored listening to it.
The mum however, i could drop today if i had the option.

OP posts:
Original poster
knickernicker · 15/10/2015 15:45

Perhaps 'punished' wasn't an accurate enough description of what the mum did and does. Putting it another way, when she gets jealous, insecure or perceives a slight from others she feels the need to do something to let them know e.g. she once told me that she didn't like how popular the lady was across the road, how she had so many friends, so many parties, successful children etc. So she said she decided she needed taking down a peg and went and disrupted her daughter's 21st, complaining about the noise. She told me afterwards that she did it for 'devillment.'
So I am dealing with someone with faulty thinking but do need to keep civil for sale of DD.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 15/10/2015 15:46

you are in a position not to allow a little greedy guts to be upending your house and begging for food. and to tell her why. you're the adult.
i would have no problem setting her straight.

Muckogy · 15/10/2015 15:48

this is very similar to that thread about a random 9 year old who took over a woman's family holiday at a camp site this past summer.

Original poster
knickernicker · 15/10/2015 15:57

That won't ever happen to me muckogy. a sleepover is the longest I'll do.

OP posts:
lastuseraccount123 · 15/10/2015 16:02

stop having her over

Muckogy · 15/10/2015 16:06

i meant it in that it seems you are afraid of upsetting someone. perhaps upsetting your DD? which is understandable.

but there can be no excuse for the sheer brass arsedness of this child.
personally i would never let her inside the house again and i would let DD, her and her stupid ass DM why.

Jux · 15/10/2015 16:15

Knicker, are you saying that when you said you wouldn't buy the bag for the child, you actually meant that she wasn't allowed to have it at all ever under any circumstances? And now you are cross because her mother didn't abide by your ruling, defied you and bought it anyway?

She is allowed to buy whatever her child wants, if that's what she wants to do, you know.

(I am partially teasing, but it's the only way I can make sense of what you have said.)

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2015 16:21

I still dont get the "punishing" thing, I get what you are saying about the other incident but I still dont understand why she would be bothered you didnt buy her DD a bag and why you think when she bought it for her own daughter this was punishing you. Confused

Original poster
knickernicker · 15/10/2015 16:22

Of course the mum can buy the child whatever she likes. I thought it was relevant to mention the fact that the mum bought the child the bag the child told her I'd said no to.
I don't have any interest whatsoever in what people buy for other people but it's useful back ground info to my situation as it helps explain how the child feels it's acceptable to beg others. She knows she will be rewarded somehow eventually.
Hope that explains it Jux. Don't know how else to put it across.

OP posts:
Lifebeginsat41 · 15/10/2015 16:25

Put buying the bag down to experience. As they are friends when she comes over I would leave out healthy snacks such as cut up veggies and homous and hide the sweets. If she asks for sweets firmly tell her that they are not being offered to her only healthy snacks. Don't let her rail-road you. What does your DD get offered when she goes to her friend's house?