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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD 's friend to stop begging me for things.

132 replies

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 10:37

They are 9. Friend will be staying over on Friday night. She is a sweet child but she begs constantly, for food, chocolates, fizzy drinks, for gifts from shops. She goes in cupboards hunting for snacks and leaves gooey wrappers everywhere l. Consequently, I have her round less than DD would like.
I normally tell child not to beg and explain that it would be polite to wait to be offered. Child's mum is not interested in stoppingvthis behaviour. In fact last time she begged me for things she'd seen in Claire Accessories, she told her mum I'd asked her not to beg and mum punished me by buying her DD the bag she'd begged fir and then pointedlymade a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself.
Sony help from mum. Any point in trying to stop the begging, or just lots if repeated 'no's?

OP posts:

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 16:25

I kid you not Laguna. She would and she did. As I mentioned on this page, perhaps 'punish'is a confusing term. Better to say that this mum feels the need to take certain actions when she feels under threat, and in this case, the action was designed to let me know that her child is not to be told 'no' by anyone other than her.

OP posts:

ifonly4 · 15/10/2015 16:29

No way should she be allowed to go through your cupboards. Most of us tend to give them a treat while they have friends, so when you've handed over nice biscuit/pudding or whatever, tell them that's their treat for the night. If she's aware you have other treat stuff, tell her that has to last the whole family a few more days. If she gets pushy, tell her you've said no and you're not willing to discuss it any further.

Obviously you don't want her to go hungry though, so give her a reasonable amount for her tea and if she then wants anything else tell her you've got fruit - may or may not stop her in her tracks but at least she'll have been offered something else.

reni2 · 15/10/2015 16:33

Tell the child next time you will NOT buy her that £500 iphone and watch her mum buy it .

If that worked, tell her you FORBID her to move to the Outer Hebrides (unless that's where you are based, in which case ban her from moving to the Isle of Wight), solved.

Phoenix0x0 · 15/10/2015 16:39

knicker

But if the child is to be told 'no' only by her mother, then IMO I would ask that she supervises her child on these play dates or has these play dates at her house.

Another idea is that you only take this child to somewhere like the park, where she will not have the opportunity to raid cupboards, demand for treats and tell you to buy her something from a shop.

Personally, this child would not be invited again to my home again after this behaviour. They may very well be close, but the level of entitlement and stress this child causes is just not worth it.

standinginthedoorway · 15/10/2015 16:42

But if the child is to be told 'no' only by her mother, then IMO I would ask that she supervises her child on these play dates or has these play dates at her house.

Ah but how would you suggest this to the mum? She sounds passive aggressive as fuck from the handbag / neighbour's 21st bday incidents so I reckon you couldn't really get her to admit she doesn't like other people saying 'no' to dd.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 16:45

Why the sleepovers anyway, op? I very rarely do sleepovers; even for very close friends. And at 8; they're completely unnecessary.

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2015 16:45

Better to say that this mum feels the need to take certain actions when she feels under threat, and in this case, the action was designed to let me know that her child is not to be told 'no' by anyone other than her

Ah I see what you mean!

Jux · 15/10/2015 16:49

I'm sorry, I really can't see it.

So child sees bag she likes, she may not have seen it before, ever, in her life, so until that moment had no idea she would like it. She asks nearest available adult if she can have it. NAA says no.

Child asks her own mother if she can have the bag. Mother had no idea until then that child liked and wanted it. Mother buys it.

How on earth do you have anything to do with the decision the mother made to buy her own child a bag that she simply didn't know her child wanted, until you mentioned it?

It just seems really weird that you think any of this is worth paying any attention to at all, that you're taking it so personally.

I'm thinking back to when dd was little. There were times when dd saw something she liked when out with a friend, or at a friend's house. It has happened, I'm sure, that either the mum or dd have told me she liked something in a shop or at friend's house. I'm sure there's been an occasion where I've bought the thing as a result, may several occasions. It's so unremarkable, I can't remember. I'm pretty sure it's happened to friends too "oh, I'll just pop in here and get X. Son played with one at friend's house/saw it when out with friend etc etc etc".

Narp · 15/10/2015 16:56

It's not the child's fault. She's been trained to do this by being rewarded for it.

All you can do is set the rules in your house.

The mother didn't punish you by buying the bag she behaved like an arse and is, in the long term punishing her daughter by making her annoying

2PurpleCrocs · 15/10/2015 17:04

I'm a foster carer of a little girl with attachment disorder. She has similar behaviour in terms of "begging" relative strangers for things. It's horribly embarrassing for me but she just sees it as having a need and asking for the need to be met. It doesn't help that most people give into her requests - I'd be pleased for a few sensible mums like OP to consistently point out that it's for her parent/carer to meet some of the needs she has.

var123 · 15/10/2015 17:07

I think you can get away with being really strict with the other girl. You can set your house rules and refuse to deviate 1 mm.

The whining and repeatedly asking until she gets a yes would get on my nerves and so I'd ban that too.

The reason I am suggesting this is the other mother clearly indulges her Dd to the hilt. And presumably her DD likes your DD and vice versa? So, there's a lot of elasticity there. It would take a lot for the other mother to want to break the friendship ( though goodness knows what your DD is learning from Little Miss Spoilt).

var123 · 15/10/2015 17:11

Jux - are you missing the last bit of the bag story? The part where the other mum goes out of her way to say look at this bag I bought my DD. Yes i buy her many, many things but I want you to pay close attention to this bag because its the one you refused to buy?

juneau · 15/10/2015 17:27

The mum sounds nuts, the girl a pain in the backside. But no, you are absolutely not BU and your house, your rules. I would definitely put a stop to raiding your cupboards for food (which is bloody rude, quite apart from anything else), and I too would have said no to purchasing £25 anything unless it was their birthday and I'd suggested they pick something out and given them a budget. But with a mother like hers its hardly surprising the poor girl has no idea what appropriate behaviour and nice manners are.

Iflyaway · 15/10/2015 17:49

Haven't read the whole thread, but have you asked her mother why her DD begs all the time?

I wouldn't feel relaxed with anyone in my home sniffing into places that they have no business to.

What message are you giving to your own daughter by not confronting this?
Do you want her to pick up on this as being a normal way of behaving?

reni2 · 15/10/2015 18:07

I wouldn't ask the mum about the begging. It's something I might raise if the mum was a very good friend, but OP and the other mum appear to barely tolerate each other.

HortonWho · 15/10/2015 18:10

I'm with Jux, I don't see how the mum buying the bag had anything to do with OP. If she made a point of showing it to me, I'd say... Oh yes, your DD saw that when we went to the shops together and was asking for it. Aw, how lovely you got it for her. It would never cross my mind to actually buy or be expected to buy it for the child! In fact, I know a few friends who would be quite unhappy for me to buy their child anything unless it was pre-arranged.

But - why are you saying "no" instead "you need to ask your mummy." Saying no implies the answer might sometimes be "yes"

For the cupboards, can't your DD lead by example? In our house, we don't do xyz, so you can't either or you won't be invited back, etc.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 18:16

Op says the mum "pointedly made a thing of bragging that she'd got it for her herself". The child didn't show it to her; the mum did. Shoved it in her face, in fact.
She sounds like a poisonous idiot, and I don't know why op is giving her or her progeny house room.

HortonWho · 15/10/2015 18:33

I got that the OP said that, but how is it bragging if you never intended on purchasing the item for her daughter or yours? You might as well say she shoved the multipack of toilet paper in her face to brag about it - my reaction would be same to both "so"? It's not bragging, unless the OP had wanted to get it for either girl and couldn't for whatever reason.

ThatsDissapointing · 15/10/2015 18:41

My own DC used to ask permission to get food when they were younger so when, on occasion, their friends decided to have a look in the fridge or cupboards it didn't go down well at all. It was t a problem, I used to tell them they were not allowed to do that in my house and if they continued I would would up the ante. I can't think any needed to be told more than a couple of times.

We've always had lots of the kids friends in the house despite the fact I'd tell them off if I needed to and make them clear up etc. I used to make sure everyone had a good time though so I guess they thought it was worth obeying my house rules.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/10/2015 18:41

I'm with you horton - so what, you bought the bag

Scoobydoo8 · 15/10/2015 18:46

I would see this as a bit of a challenge and make sure there was no sweets, chocs, sticky stuff, cakes, crisps, yoghurts visible in the house. I say visible because I might hide it in the garage for the duration.

Then feed her a nice meal and pud, take DCs for a walk in the country /park (nothing to beg for) then send her home!

hiddenhome2 · 15/10/2015 19:06

Set a few mousetraps in the cupboards where the treats are kept

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 22:12

Thanks for further replies all. All set for sleepover, no shops or cinema!
I have no problem whatsoever setting boundaries and being firm wi h this child but like her mum, she will persist and manipulate.
Last tme I had her round, I firmly told her not to beg and not to ask me to buy her things. Later on I was chatting to them both when she piped up, ' i can't reply to you because I'm not allowed to." I asked her why and she replied, "you said I can't ask for things from shops and you just spoke about shops so I can't reply."
I ignored that and moved on but it was annoying.

OP posts:

AlfAlf · 15/10/2015 23:02

That "I'm not allowed to reply" nonsense would drive me bats. She sounds cheeky and dishonest. I wouldn't be comfortable around a child that twists words like that, there's a good chance she'd go back and say to her mum something like "Knicker said I wasn't allowed to speak".

Original poster

knickernicker · 15/10/2015 23:09

You're right Alf Alf. She would and probably did. And mum would go along with it.

OP posts:

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