To want to have a baby at 45?

[broodyolderlady]

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them . Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

Some women have an easy menopause, some have a terrible time. My mum got very weepy about nothing during hers. I would not have liked to be a young child with a mum being how she was. And hot flushes although annoying, are not as bad as some symptoms you can have.

But your own menopause tends to be like your mums. So ask her about hers.

Cleary
My mum had a very early menopause and suffered terribly in many ways.
I am now 50 and am still waiting for mine.

Cleaty...sorry

I know that can happen. But if I was going to have a baby at 45 it is one of the things I would consider. Menopause is rarely talked about, so many women don't understand how much it can impact on you, sometimes for several years.

I wouldn't. I had my two kids later in life. 38 wth first and 39 with second. I can't imagine going back to all those early years again. Pregnancy, labour, sleepless nghts, weaning, toddler tantrums, potty training. Dear God! Just no! I also think you are mad to even consider it!

My mum had me at 45, my Dad was 50 (many older siblings). They never had the energy to play, they had nothing in common with other parents which isolated me at school, they were older in attitude, my cousins were all at least 10 years older - some have kids my age..

My mum had a severe stroke when I was 10 and I've had caring responsibilities ever since. I was the one pulled out of school to help her when she fell or couldn't make the front door work or needed help at a hospital appointment. I was the one who had to stay close to home for University so I could go home to help out. I was the one whose university holidays were spent caring for my dad after heart bypass surgery and knee replacements.

Now I'm 35 juggling a young family of my own with full time work and the responsibility of managing care agencies, social workers, cleaners, hospital appointments, emergency calls because of falls, coordinating care for one whilst the other is hospitalised etc etc etc. It's relentless and horribly stressful. It has dominated my life for 25 years

I don't imagine you plan to have massive health problems at a youngish age but you should consider the risks. Your older chlldren will have left home and started their own lives and your youngest won't have the benefit of their support in the same way as they benefited from each other.

But Carrot, your older siblings should have stepped in rather than leaving it up to you surely...and your mums shouldn't have lent on you so much. That's the issue, not particularly that your parents had you when older

The issue is that those who've already left home and started new lives aren't left in the immediacy of the situation - those living at home are.

I'm not saying don't go for it but go for it weighing the risks and considering what things may be like for the child. And have a discussion with your older kids too so you know what support you and any new child will have. It's only in my late 20s that I've become friends with some of my older siblings as we've grown closer in life stage.

My parents would have been decent grandparents to me but they weren't able to be good parents because they were older and old for their age too

My in laws had DP late on, after having 2 other children. DP barely knows older siblings. DPs oldest brother left home when DP was 4. That is fine, but it is closer to being an only child, than being a child with siblings.

Yikes! You're barking. I'm 44 and having a baby sounds like a nightmare to me. Each to their own. My gran was 2 months off her 48th birthday when she had her 6th. It wasn't planned, though, and she thought she could no longer get pregnant. I certainly don't think I can.

My nan had her 1st at 38, last at 46, or 47 maybe.
Later in life she was the main child carer for one set of grandchildren (which I know she found tiring but still).
I don't think she ever gave a shit what people thought about her being an older mother, and indeed during and after WW2 older parents were quite common.
So don't not go for it because you care what people think at the mythical school gates. But do examine your reasons, and your disappointment if it doesn't happen.

Are you talking about using donor eggs, OP?

Because a quick google search says that you've a 1% chance of conceiving at 45, and if you do conceive, your risk of miscarriage is 60-75%

Df's FIL has just had his fourth child at 64. He's got two aged 26 and 30, one of 18 months and a baby (second marriage, she's 28)

His family think he's mad, he looks twenty years older and feels he's going to have to work for the rest of his life as won't be able to afford to retire.

I'm 46 and my daughter is 8 and I feel old and exhausted.

Starting again at this age is not appealing to me, but it can only be your choice (and your partner of course).

I loved being a first-time mum at 42 and am so excited to be pregnant again at 44. I'm no more tired than the fat twentysomethings I see struggling to push their prams and I've certainly got more to teach my little 'uns.

My dh and I are teetotal, slim and fit and having our daughter last year was the best thing to have ever happened to our lives. We can't wait for this one too!

I got pg easily and quickly at the age of 42 (having taken over 18 months at 20). I had a mmc at 11 weeks, which coincided with a family camping holiday. The teens didn't know I was pg and we had to make excuses about the car needing a garage to slip off to a hospital. Then the hospital wanted to keep me in.. Got home and ended up being admitted BH Monday for an ERPC.

Got pg again only a couple of months later, still aged 42. MC at 7 weeks this time, on a plane to Newcastle (University visits). Couldn't get an appt for ERPC this time and ended up losing tons of blood at home, and frightening DCs to death. Got admitted, had a reaction to the anaesthetic and had to stay in overnight. Senior mw said it obviously wasn't meant to be and perhaps we should take up a hobby.

While we were arguing debating whether to try again got pg again (now 43) and this time made it to the 12 week scan where we were both to see an actual baby on the screen. The scan lady must have thought we were daft.

Bloods came back 1:24 for Downs. MW panicking; DH says he doesn't want a child with Downs and we'll have to have amnio. I didn't want amnio having struggled this far. Went along with it (and it bloody hurts, no matter what anyone says) and panicked for 2 weeks I'd have another mc. Amnio clear but by now I'd convinced myself something was going to go wrong and just couldn't imagine a live baby at the end of it. Ended up with pre-natal depression.

38 weeks pg with DC3, aged 26, I climbed Glastonbury Tor. 28 weeks pg with DC5 aged 43 I couldn't walk up 2 flights of stairs at work, and couldn't walk the 5 minutes into town.

MW did not consider it a high risk pg and plans were made for a home birth. 2 weeks beforehand she said the baby was breech. Immediate scan confirmed and they tried to turn her. If I'd thought the amnio was painful that was nothing on ECV. No luck, go to CS. I am needle phobic, so that worried me to death but having the CS I wish I'd done it for the others .

indanth sorry to hear you thought amnios were painfull but I have had 4 and never felt a thing - guess different for everyone - wouldn't want thought of a painful amino to put OP off.

In fact, where is OP?

She asked a question & hasn't come back to the thread.....

from a mans side well im 54 my wife is 28 our youngest is 23 months and are trying for another

0_o
Eeeooow

what does Eeeooow mean?

It means holy moly but i cant imagine 'trying' with a man 26 years older.
There isnt enough beer in the world. But goid luck to the 28 year old...... her choice of course.

Slightly irritated at having our experiences dismissed down thread - OP asked for people to talk about our experiences, this is what we are doing! By nature the stories here anecdotal, however it is certainly true that there are many people who are having babies in their forties now. telegraph here. Having my family late was not a game plan, but was a welcome chink of opportunity. I have a friend who adopted her babies, 2 or 3 years apart, about the same age I had mine naturally, and she is also very happy, by the way.

Of course YANBU. Discuss with DH though,his opinion and yours are all that matters.

I had my two at 40 and 42. Easy pregnancies, natural births with no complications, healthy 8lb babies. It isn't all doom and gloom, and where I live having babies in your 40s is very common as many women have delayed motherhood for career reasons.

The Harmony test is a blood test which screens for Downs and other chromosome abnormalities so it is no longer necessary to have invasive testing like amnio or CVS.

The oldest mum I know was 50 when she had her third. Again, no complications.

I wouldn't assume getting pregnant in your 40s will be difficult. It depends on the individual. A GP friend told me the majority of the termination requests she gets are from married women in their 40s who were (I quote) 'a bit careless' having assumed pregnancy was very unlikely.