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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a baby at 45?

203 replies

broodyolderlady · 09/10/2015 22:16

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them Grin. Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

OP posts:
darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:12

I avoid the school gates anyway. The dubious joys of working FT :)

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:12

You can always get the two grown up children to do the school run, and have a lie in. Grin

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:13

And honestly, what is with the comments about the school gates

I'd rather not have been assumed to be a grandparent thank you very much! That's "what's with" my school gates comment.

geekymommy · 09/10/2015 23:13

I had no trouble conceiving at 39. Maybe I'm some kind of freak of nature, though (there is some other evidence for this).

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:14

You can always get the two grown up children to do the school run, and have a lie in.

Grown up children have lives. They're NOT babysitters for younger siblings.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:15

Sometimes they are Murfles Sad

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:15

That's what happened to an old boyfriend of mine, sparkling Grin

He was the product of his 46 year old mum believing she was going through the menopause - he had a 16 year old brother and 14 yea role sister when he was born.

It all seemed to work pretty well, although he was a bit spoiled due to his sister and her friends studying childcare at college and using him as their study in his toddler years Grin

He had a great relationship with parents and siblings :)

It can work nicely.

ForChina · 09/10/2015 23:16

Have you ever had a miscarriage, OP? Given the chances of a conception are very low, and even after conception the chances of miscarriage are high, this is something you need to consider. I'm sorry if that sounds unkind but it can be a very difficult thing to deal with and yet it's more of a risk than chromosomal problems.

If it was you TTC #1 I'd say go for it and all the very best of luck to you but actually it's empty nest syndrome and so I think you would be a bit crazy to go for it, given the chances of a) struggling to conceive and all the pain and heartache of that b) having a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages c) having health problems during pregnancy (risk is doubled for things like diabetes, high blood pressure) d) having a disabled child e) no siblings for your child to grow up with (as they're so much older) f) your child having much older parents and the generation gap that creates g) much increased risk of intervention in childbirth h) risk of potnatal depression i) not bonding with other mothers due to being older j) risk of just being so knackered from it all when you are so much older than the last time.

Why not foster? You could put all your parenting skills and experiences into practice with a child who already exists who needs a home, rather than bringing another one into the world just because you want to.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:17

My friend at 16 had the joy of virtually being a childminder to her 4 year old sister. She hated it.

JessieMcJessie · 09/10/2015 23:18

Bully for you geekymommy.

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:18

I know a lady who had her DD at 15 and her DD gave birth to her son in September 2014, making her a grandmother at 34.

My own grandmother didn't become a grandmother until she was 70.

There's an even bigger variation in the age ranges of grandparents than parents. I don't understand why anyone cares, but if you do, you don't have to have a child at an age you're not comfortable with.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:18

Sometimes they are Murfles

Personally, I would never have expected older siblings to be responsible for a younger sibling I chose to have, especially when they have lives of their own to lead.

ciele · 09/10/2015 23:18

Imo ...sorry...I think you are mad...hold tight and wait...freedom beckons!

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:19

I don't think anyone's expecting that murfles

I read SBs comment as lightly humorous.

Muckogy · 09/10/2015 23:20

The last kick of a dying horse.
that is all.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:20

As my above post explains Murfles, some parents do expect that unfortunately. My friend's Mum expected her to. It really wasn't great. Sad

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:22

Well, OP hasn't said, insinuated or even remotely suggested this would be the case, so it's a little unfair to assume she has factored this into her potential family planning.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:22

it wasn't that humorous at all darkest. Far from it. Sad

TheCatsMother99 · 09/10/2015 23:22

Agree with Sparkling, my Dsis was made to be a glorified babysitter, picked me up from school every day amongst other things.

We have a great relationship now but i know that at the time she almost certainly hated me!

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:23

Well, in that case sparkling, lets again see where OP said that.

Oh yes, she didn't.

You did. With a big Grin followed immediately by Sad

EatShitDerek · 09/10/2015 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorribleMotherCo · 09/10/2015 23:27

Agreed Murfles. DD (18) has only ever 'sat' with DS when I have had to drop the others at activities and not wanted to drag him with me, and that is when she's been at home anyway. She has never actually 'babysat' at all mainly because I'm a nervous wreck and would be terrified she was not on the ball while her eyes were glued to her phone, something happened and she would then blame herself for the rest of her life etc!

She occasionally wanted to bath him when he was chubby and cute. Now he's 5 and calls her 'smelly poo face' so she doesn't want much to do with him Grin.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:28

The lie in comment was tongue in cheek. Unfortunately my friend's Mum had a FT job.

Headofthehive55 · 09/10/2015 23:30

My elder two love babysitting! They get paid - and so find it particularly worth their while. They do odd bits of minding here and there. It's like setting the table. If they want something from me...then they return the favour! Makes them very able to negotiate and are surprisingly less self centred children for it.

Badbadtromance · 09/10/2015 23:31

I would go for it. I am old enough to be my youngest DC grandma but don't csreGrin