To want to have a baby at 45?

[broodyolderlady]

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them . Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

I has DS aged 44 and DD when I was almost 48, late starter. They are fine! I don't think it is selfish, but a big decision.

oh I did have gestational diabetes but this runs in the family, so might have had it anyway. I think personal style does make a difference re being regarded as a possible grandmother. I am finding myself going down the glam route somewhat!

I am 40 and pregnant. One son at 37 and then three miscarriages. You have got to be very very determined at 45, or exceptionally lucky.

As long as you can go into knowing the miscarriage rate is 50% or more and the likelihood of conceiving at all is probably less than 10% per month then go for it.

I got more scared of the threads I used to read on here populated by over forties who had the conception and birth expectations of a woman in her twenties. They had purposely waited and then thought it would be simples because celebrities are constantly popping out kids in their forties (IVF, donor eggs, surragettes with the odd natural birth).

I'm not sure that's necessarily true, whoknew

'Purposefully waited' - for things like stability, a man (that one never found me, sadly, or I him) or other unavoidable sets of circumstances. I won't give my life story but what can appear simple on the outside isn't.

Incidentally I did have a normal conception (it was assisted as I used donor sperm but IUI not IVF) normal pregnancy and normal birth, and a NT child. Hopefully no2 will go the same way but if it doesn't, it's still the best thing I ever did.

Mum was 40 when I was born (only child), by a stroke of fate her menopause and my teenage years collided with such force we spent three years wanting to murder echother. Of course not every teen is a nightmare and these days menopause symptoms like her horrific moods can be helped by at the time we were both thoroughly miserable.

My children are both grown and I'm 42, personally I wouldn't as I'm happy to now enjoy the freedom grown up children return to your lives, but that said I don't think it's unusual anymore and if you feel that's right for you then go for it.

I think you'd be crazy. I'm 51 with 3 dses, youngest is 15 and they tire me. They are energetic and I love it, but I wouldn't want to be 61/62 with a 15 year old.

Not read the full thread but i had my 2nd and last at 44.

The preg was hell, but that wasn't age related. The result, now he is safely here, is adorable. It does occur to me though that I'll 70 by the time he can be expected to have left home (kids often stay a long time in the home in the NL).

I'd say try, if you are in good health; it's worth checking that out. Any underlying conditions could make things pretty difficult when you're 60 and he's 15. Also, I think you need to be very pragmatic and ensure that you have a will and a designated person to bring him up should something awful happen. Hope for the best, but when it comes to children, do put safety measures in place for awful events. It'd be hell if he was left on his own.

Also, be prepared for being tired more than you were 18 and 15 years ago. Plan how you'll deal with it.

So .. imo go ahead, but make sure you plan well.

Pitiless has just made my point. I strongly suspect that nature and hormones might be playing a trick on us at 45ish. Personally I quite fancied another DC at 45 but it didn't happen. I am so relieved now as I relax with a coffee, browsing a bit of mumsnet while my DD gets on with her own things. Now I wouldn't want another DC, even if it was delivered gift-wrapped!

If I were you, I would hang on until grandchildren arrive.

agree that it's hard to predict from your health in your forties how fit you'll be in your sixties

My mother was in rude health when she had me in her forties. She died aged sixty. I guess that's unusual, but by that age lots of her friends and colleagues had serious health problems that developed at 55+.

a friend of my is 45 and getting empty nest syndrome. she's thinking about fostering.

If you were childless my head would be willing me to say YABU, but my heart would be overruling it and saying go ahead if it's what you feel compelled to do.

As you already experienced motherhood twice I'd say you were being selfish and irrational on all sorts of levels and my head and my heart are both saying the same thing. YABU.

YANBU to want another baby at any age, but the plural of anecdote is not data - the facts are that it is extremely unlikely that you would conceive naturally, extremely unlike that you would conceive via IVF and even less likely that you would carry a conception to term.

If you are properly clued up about the science and biology, and confudent you could cope with the myriad of not-great possible outcomes, then your body, your choice.

I'm 52, two DS, 29 and 22 and I'm glad I had them when I did. Physically I'm in great shape, but there's no way I'd want to give up my sleep freedoms for another small child. I'm not even particularly keen on the idea of grandchildren if I'm honest.

I had my last at 41. I love her to bits and don't regret it.BUT if I had my time over again I wouldn't do it. I'm 51 now and want to slow down a bit and take life a bit easier...but I can't. I could also retire in 3 years...but I can't.

If you have the money and lifestyle to do it then go for it. But money will be a big issue as will rushing everywhere if you work

darkest I was the same.

Didn't meet my partner until I was 36, wasn't in a position emotionally or financially to do anything before that. BUT honestly there are some women purposely putting it off honestly thinking it will be a breeze at 41/42. Their blokes want to travel the world on some Peter Pan gap year before kids and then there is the wedding to plan. So the plan is to start TTC at 41 and have three kids. I used to read this stuff and just despair.

Not helped of course by the very fortunate women on here that always pop up on these threads stating that they had a clutch of kids, conceived the first month after their 48th birthdays. Brilliant, but very very very lucky and not usual at all.

I don't think the 'hang on for grandchildren' thing is a fair expectation on the kids. Nice if it happens but not something to bank on.

The person who quoted my post and scoffed that she and her friends are much more fit and healthy and I must be obese etc - everything I said is scientific fact so you can jeer all you like but all of these things ARE risks that the OP would face no matter how fit and healthy she is.

I realise this thread is a sensitive topic for older mothers who are trying for the first time aged 40+ but I think that's a different thing. The risks still exist but the benefit of hopefully having a child do outweigh that and I wish you all the very best. The OP already has a child - two in fact - and so the 'benefit' of a potential 3rd does not outweigh the risks, as far as I'm concerned.

From a child's point of view, I'd have been extremely embarrassed at 10 to have a Mum of 55. My Mum was 38 when I was born and I remember noticing how much older she was compared to my friends Mums.
I know things have changed over the years & having a baby in your 40's is fairly common now ( especially on mumsnet ) but it isn't ideal from any perspective. My opinion anyway.
But hey, you'll do whatever you want anyway

Most of the mums at my dd's school are very late 40s early 50s. None of their dc seem particularly embarassed

Interestingly my parents were always much older than my friends patents when I was younger and Mum had me when she was 32

Surferjet: My Mum was 38 when I was born and I remember noticing how much older she was compared to my friends Mums.

I was born in 1979, my dad was born in 1933, he was 46 when I came a long. You might think it doesn't really equate to this topic but I was raised by my dad. I noticed how much older he was to every other dad. It was embarrassing for me, sometimes horrifying. But, and its a bigger BUTT than you'd see down the local weight watchers, I thank him for instilling in me the older fashioned morals and values.

Theres pros and cons. Have a child too young and it may lead to the child being dragged from pillar to post as the parents want to do what young people do. Have a child a little later and watch as someone else raises it because the parents are working all the hours to pay the mortgage on a house they're never in or to pay for nice car they only drie tonand from work. Have a child later on in life and risknthe medical side s of things. It all rest on the person to decide if its right for them i think.

Another geriatric mum here, 50 next year and dc are 7 and 4, I don't feel especially old, school gate is fine, quite a mix of ages anyway. I do recall the midwife being concerned every checkup as I didn't have high blood pressure! I would worry about starting TTC at 45 though as you may be in for disappointment, being such a short window until the menopause and it can take years (took me a couple of years each time) but taking that into consideration, nothing ventured, nothing gained...best of luck with whatever you decide.

Dear god no! I'm not having any after my 20's. My dad has 5 year old twins at the age of 44 and he's absolutely shagged.

I like this the plural of anecdote is not data - but the fact that we all have a handful of said anecdotes and they don't come from nowhere! Yes you might be a statistic (miscarriage, abnormality etc) but you might also get lucky enough to be an anecdote. And being younger doesn't magically immunise you against problems: I had a miscarriage at 19 and another at 25 and am generally in incredibly good health. I would say go for it if you are 100% sure that you actually want another child, but go in with the expectation that things may not be smooth sailing. Provided you're prepared for things to potentially be difficult, go ahead.
Some more anecdata for you: I was a student midwife and have seen plenty of people in their 40s having successful pregnancies (and plenty of much younger people having trouble and bad outcomes!) the oldest mum I came across was 48 and on her 4th (naturally conceived) baby. Good luck whatever you decide!

...the fact that we all have a handful of said anecdotes and they don't come from nowhere!

That's because people don't generally talk about having miscarriage after miscarriage. You don't see those people. You don't see the ones who struggle on desperately trying to get pregnant and realising they are out of time. The reason we have anecdotes to share is because they are unusual, not usual. They are the stories that people tell.

Why do you want another baby? - I am asking this seriously. Is it linked to the older one's leaving soon and your role changing?

I am 46 with 8 and 12 year old DC. I did get a bit of now or never broodiness recently as I realised time was rapidly running out. However, I realised that I don't want the pressures and restrictions of a young baby at this point in my life so I wouldn't try for one. I was also concerned about the impact on my DC as it would potentially affect what we did as a family (e.g. holidays, days out etc.). In my case, the cons outweighed the pros.

As someone who had my 2nd at age 41, I'd be asking OP about her finances.

Can you afford the childcare fees (check out how much it is locally) plus supporting 1-2 siblings if they go to University? And all as you near retirement (do you need to save for retirement?).

My "insurance policy" is my flat, bought when I was 21, and the mortgage will be paid off in about 8 years. This will fund my DC through university (if they go) and provide a pension/income for me.

Without it, I doubt I could support 2 university aged children at that stage of my life (and we have 2 good incomes).

Children are expensive!!