Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a baby at 45?

203 replies

broodyolderlady · 09/10/2015 22:16

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them Grin. Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

OP posts:
darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 22:54

Yet some of us do.

Isn't it wonderful that some people do what some of us can't even imagine?

JessieMcJessie · 09/10/2015 22:55

You're obviously not reading my thread in TTC where around 6 of us are trying desperately to conceive #1 aged 40 or older and have not had a single BFP between us. Even after 3 of us tried IVF. I started it about 10 months ago. I say go for it, the chances of you actually getting pregnant are pretty slim so nature will make the decision for you. Sorry to be a downer.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 22:55

Let me say I wouldn't fancy it then. Grin

cleaty · 09/10/2015 22:56

One of the issues to consider is your own parents and in laws. I don't know your situation, but a lot of people I know in their 50's have some caring responsibilities for elderly parents. That would be tough with a young child.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 09/10/2015 22:56

The lady in the bed next to me was 45 when I had my ds. She had no problems. It's very individual though.

I am 56 with a 7 yr old (through adoption) I love it!

SionnachDana · 09/10/2015 22:56

trite, but harsh truth is, nobody knows at 44 exactly what they'll be able for at 61.

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 22:58

That's true whatever age you are. All of us could experience anything at any time.

cleaty · 09/10/2015 22:58

It also depends on the age of your DP. Risks of chromosomal abnormalities also increase with older fathers.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 22:58

I had my first at 29, she is now 17. After considerable pressure from my husband after 11 years of marriage and him screwing about with my contraceptives I found myself pregnant, giving birth to my DS at 42. Was it a good decision? No. Husband left when it wasn't "what he thought it would be"...DS is autistic. I am 46, a truly single parent with a 4 year old. No, there is no way I would have considered this at all had I not fell pregnant by virtue of force I guess. I utterly adore my son with every bone in my body, he is gorgeous and a joy, but would I have done it knowingly at this stage in my life, absolutely not. I personally think 45 is too late, that is just my opinion. I can't say I haven't had yearnings for another one, I have, but I put it down to being menopausal. Because I am. OP, your choice, your body etc...but please think carefully and most definitely beyond having a newborn in your arms Flowers

TheCatsMother99 · 09/10/2015 23:02

My mother is much older than my friends parents and that's with her being late 30's when she had me. I can definitely tell the difference between my parents and my friends parents.

My fears regarding my parents 'getting old' are at the forefront of my mind, my mother is almost 70 (going on 90) whereas my friends parents seem SO much younger at heart, care-free and independent.

I know age is just a number and everyone is different but from the child's point of view, it's difficult having older parents when it seems as though your friends parents are still pretty young in comparison. . I'm always worrying about my parents and dealing with their various health issues which come with growing old whereas friends parents are still out and about socialising on a Saturday night without a care in he world. My parents aren't very well and I do feel stupidly cheated that I'll possibly have less time with them then my friends will with theirs. (Yes I know I'm being stupid and selfish and unreasonable but I can't help how I feel).

I hope my point of view doesn't upset those who are trying for their 1st child whilst in their 40's, that's not my intention at all. I guess I just want the OP to see she's lucky to have her two kids & to think about the other side of things when having a child at a slightly I later stage in life.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:05

I wouldn't. As far a I'm concerned our children are all adults now and now is the time for DH and I to enjoy life. I personally couldn't bear to think about sleepless nights, nappies and toddlerhood now. Oh God no!!! I'd hate to be an older parent at the school gates as well. You'll be 50 at least when the child starts school if you were to fall pregnant now. You'd most likely be mistaken for a grandparent.

FallingGoldfinch · 09/10/2015 23:05

If you both want it, then absolutely go for it. No one knows what your situation is like or what your child will be like, so that's all guesswork - for every one who says that you're almost rid of your teenagers, there will be someone else (me) who says that the teenage years have actually been a breeze and having another one to look forward to isn't an issue at all.

I've had miscarriages since I was your age but fell pregnant naturally quite easily - it turns out that something was causing the mc, and they had nothing to do with my age.

A midwife told me, 'you'll always be glad you tried, you won't want to look back and wish you had but didn't', and she was right. Good luck!

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:05

Again, early onset dementia, cancer, heart disease and a myriad of other conditions can strike at any time. I realise this is more likely with elderly parents but it isn't a given all parents will grow old and require extensive care. Many don't need care, some, sadly, never grow old.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 09/10/2015 23:06

It's not shocking dark. It's just that I wouldn't want to start retirement with a child still semi dependent and living at home. I don't want to wait until 66 to be child free.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/10/2015 23:06

my friend had her one and only child at 45 - no problems at all x

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:06

And honestly, what is with the comments about the school gates?

Does anyone really care if you're older than the other parents? I'm not trying to be difficult but given we have a window of fertile years between fifteen and forty five (approximately) then obviously some of us will be older than others.

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:07

Then no ones making you have a baby in your forties Leigh - but if OP wants one ... ? :)

HorribleMotherCo · 09/10/2015 23:08

I think the being in the 60's and still having a DC in school would be the thing I couldn't cope with, when you could be childfree and able to do what you want when you want. I will be 54 when my youngest is 18 so will have had almost 30 years of child rearing (up to age 18) under my belt which is more than enough and I have to say I will be DONE with it!

I had the same urge as you describe when I was 38 resulting in DC4 who is now 5 and having to do the school run/playground politics/being restricted socially all over again when my others are all at secondary school/college and we could have had a good social life now! I obviously adore him but sometimes I do get wistful and think would life would have been like it I had got over my last ditch broody period and had not had another 5 years of disrupted sleep Grin.

BearFoxBear · 09/10/2015 23:09

Go for it OP. I am 40, have a 15 month old ds, an almost full time, full on career, a husband who works away a lot, and I manage just fine. I'm hoping for a second baby in maybe 2 years time. If you feel that it's the right decision for you, can love and provide for a child, then I don't see why not.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:09

Op doesn't know if they want one definitely. They have asked for thoughts and opinions. In AIBU.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:10

I personally think 45 is too late

For me, 35 would have been too late. I was knackered enough at 25 with one at 18 months and a newborn. At 26 I fell pregnant with twins. . The next four years were a blur due to lack of sleep. I would never have coped at 45!

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:11

Yes, the advanced age of 35. Practically one foot in the grave. 45, well, you're pretty much dead Hmm

FallingGoldfinch · 09/10/2015 23:11

Ignore the school gate nonsense - (a) it doesn't matter, and, (b) no one gets it right anyway. When I was trying, there was one mum with a 5 year old and I was desperate to ask her advice as she'd obviously been a very late starter. Never did pluck up courage but found out later that she was 32 Confused.

PitilessYank · 09/10/2015 23:12

I have often wondered if the craving some women have in their mid-40s for a baby might be a symptom of impending menopause; you know, the body's last attempt to reproduce once more before the capability shuts off.

That doesn't help you at all, though, and while I wouldn't do it, lots of women would, and do, and are quite thrilled about having a child at that age.

puddymuddles · 09/10/2015 23:12

Go for it if it is what you and your partner want. People will tell you the statistics about conceiving at your age but you might get pregnant really easily - all women are different and some have a later menopause so are fertile for longer. A doctor once told me that if you are in your 40s and already have children then you are more likely to have a healthy baby as an older mother. I have 3 dc all young and am 39 - would definitely not rule out another in a year or two!

Swipe left for the next trending thread