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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a baby at 45?

203 replies

broodyolderlady · 09/10/2015 22:16

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them Grin. Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

OP posts:
darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:31

So was it tongue in cheek, humorous or not sparkling?

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2015 23:32

I am not sure why you are getting at me darkest.

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:35

Because your comment has led to people tutting about using older children as childminders when the op didn't even remotely allude to this.

If it had been a good humoured joke that would have been fine but you now seem to be saying it wasn't.

BlueJug · 09/10/2015 23:37

Fostering is a good idea but it won't fulfil that desire for a baby. It might be wonderful though!

Obviously up to you but my own experience is that I wish I hadn't. (43). I was fine for the first few years and it kept me young but we have had problems - DS is not an easy teen. I am mid fifties, broke, it is hard, my mum is starting to need care, my back is bad and I long to have my house back. That is just my experience though. And I love my son to bits - just not keen on living with him at the moment.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:37

Horrible not on the ball when her eyes were glued to her phone.

I'd have been the same. My hat comes off to anyone to has children after the age of 35. I'm still recovering from my 20's and catching up on sleep! I could'nt go back to sleepless nights or chasing around after children. Saying that I work in a school with 457 of them. Shock

ToTheGups · 09/10/2015 23:38

I am only 29 but I seriously considering another in my 40s. I don't know how I will feel when I get there but I certainly haven't ruled it out.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 09/10/2015 23:39

I was 42 when I had my first baby (donor egg conception) and now I'm pregnant at 44 with a natural conception. I'm colossally grateful and excited, as you can imagine. However, I don't know how excited I would be to find myself pregnant at this age of I had teens already. For me, the nappies and night feeds we are going through with my 18 minth-old are just going to segue into the nappies and feeds of this baby. We don't know any different.

I guess my advice, OP, is to make sure your partner's 100% on board with a baby at this stage of your lives....it could ruin your retirement plans.

VelvetSpoon · 09/10/2015 23:40

I have to say I've never really got all this 'freedom beckons' stuff!

Possibly because I'm not possessed with some great spirit of adventure, I've never wanted to go to Bali and sit on a beach for 3 months (what a former colleague whose youngest DC has just started uni is currently doing), go trekking in the Amazon or whatever. The stuff I've wanted to do I've always been able to either take my DC with me, or do it when they're not around. I never felt tied to my DC - I've always worked FT so possibly that's it. I suppose if you have some great wanderlust, then maybe another baby once DC you already have are about to fly the nest wouldn't be a great idea.

I think worrying about life expectancy..well, you just never know. My mum died at 54. Completely fit and healthy until 3 months before her death. My dad was 17 years older than her - outlived her by 3 years.

My BF (who is pretty sympathetic to my current broodiness - albeit that he is still pretty clear he doesn't want any more DC) has said maybe in a few years we could foster - he quite likes the idea of helping a child who maybe hasn't had a great start in life. I'm not sure that would quite tick my 'baby' box though. Or whether we would fit the eligibility criteria (I seem to remember you have to have extended family...or possibly I'm wrong on that?)

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:42

I am much the same Velvet, but I appreciate having a baby in your 40s (or even the ancient age of 35 Wink) is not for everyone.

But it is unfair to assume because it wouldn't be right for you, it's wrong for everybody.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:43

Because your comment has led to people tutting about using older children as childminders when the op didn't even remotely allude to this

I wasn't "tutting" I simply don't agree with older children being used as childminders. The OP wasn't alluding to it, however it is always a possibility! sparkling Using older children to mind younger ones isn't an option in my view and never something I would find acceptable. As I said previously, older children have lives to lead and shouldn't be expected to mind their younger siblings. That's the parents role, not the elder siblings!

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:45

That is little to do with having a baby at 45 and more to do with large age gaps, surely?

You could have DC1 at 21 and DC2 at 33 and have a similar situation without bringing shame upon the family by being mistaken for Dcs grandparent.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:50

I am much the same Velvet, but I appreciate having a baby in your 40s (or even the ancient age of 35 wink) is not for everyone.

Some people choose to have their families young for a reason. That reason is to be able to have a life after children when you're young enough to do it....child free Wink.

Ledkr · 09/10/2015 23:53

Dc 5 dd2 has just started school and I'm 48.
It's been hard and tiring because she is a bad sleeper not cos of my age.
It's been good fun, I enjoyed hsving a baby/toddler. I have oodles more patience and understanding.
She's kept me young and active and ive made lots of lovely new friends.
I have a very supportive dh and older kids and only work part time.
I think those things made it easier.
If u want it, Id say go for it.

Murfles · 09/10/2015 23:54

without bringing shame upon the family by being mistaken for Dcs grandparent.

Personally, I would rather have been 'looked at' as a parent rather than a grandparent. I also chose to have my family when I was young and fit enough to run around around after them. I'd rather not have been an older mum.

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:54

Murfles, I have no issue with anybody having a baby at any age. It's purely individual choice.

I am much like velvet and have personally found I can do what I want to do with DC. I can honestly say that I only feel they've enhanced my life, not restricted it in any way! My circumstances are a little unusual though.

But just the same, and if I offend, I'm sorry, but the horror, the 'well you'll have a teenager in your sixties!' genuinely has me baffled. I just don't see the problem with having a teenager when you are in your sixties, or why being mistaken for your child's grandparent would be so awful. It hasn't happened to me yet; I'm sure it will and I'll just politely correct them.

Different strokes and all.

PrincessTooty · 09/10/2015 23:55

I'm a year or so older than you OP and my youngest has just left for uni. I'm an empty nester and I'm loving it. Your OP sent shivers through me Smile.

I get the longing for a baby but unless your DH was 100% onboard then I don't see that it's even worth thinking about.

Happfeet2911 · 09/10/2015 23:55

One word, why??

darkesttwilight · 09/10/2015 23:56

I know it may come as a shock murfles but in your 30s and 40s and even beyond that, you can run round after a toddler.

Sometimes I go to the gym and everything, with my creaking joints protesting all the way and my wizened face reflected in the shiny surfaces causing horror to all around, but somewhere within my time ravaged body I find the strength to carry on Hmm

HorribleMotherCo · 09/10/2015 23:59

Remember the 'trying not to sleep while standing up' exhaustion of broken sleep. The screaming assaulting the ear drums which feels like it won't ever stop. The poonamis and pukenamis. Having to spend an hour getting ready and packing bags before going out for 5 minutes, sore leaky/boobs from feeding. Pelvic floor fecked. Trying to keep up with a bolting toddler. Not having a pee in peace. Toddler pee and poo everywhere. Trying to pre-empt suicide missions. Cupboards ransacked. Plastic tat all around. Constant crumbs, sticky messes and spills everywhere.

You must be CRACKERS!

geekymommy · 10/10/2015 00:00

You may want to watch the fine parenting educational film Labyrinth to see what can happen if you conscript an unwilling teenager into watching a screaming baby.

leedy · 10/10/2015 00:00

I am another one boggling at the idea that having your children in your late 30s and 40s means you'll be too geriatric and unfit to run around after them and people will think you're a grandmother (or why that's so horrific, for that matter). I mean, I didn't have any when I was younger so I have nothing to compare it with but I think I coped ok, and nobody has asked me whose gran I am at the school gates (yet). Had DC at 37 and 40. For me, at least, I had them at the right time.

darkesttwilight · 10/10/2015 00:03
stoppingbywoods · 10/10/2015 00:11

No, you're crazy for considering it. There's every reason to suppose you'll be fit and well for the next two years at least, given average life spans now, and by having a baby you will be giving that individual an amazing gift of life.

Women who tell you to do it or not do it or obviously speaking of how they think they would feel in your circumstances but your opinion is the only one that matters. But don't not do it because you're afraid.

stoppingbywoods · 10/10/2015 00:11

No, you're NOT crazy for considering it Grin

geekymommy · 10/10/2015 00:11

People of all kinds of fitness and energy levels have kids. If I had wanted to have my kids when I was young and energetic, that would have been a problem- "young and energetic" ended around age 13 for me. Having a kid before that would have been difficult and ill-advised.