Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a baby at 45?

203 replies

broodyolderlady · 09/10/2015 22:16

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them Grin. Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

OP posts:
mojitomother · 10/10/2015 00:15

My mum was 45 when she had me, she had twins!

Do it!! Smile

stoppingbywoods · 10/10/2015 00:16

As for being exhausted, I have friends who had babies in their twenties when other people were lying around in shared bedsits watching friends. Everyone was exhausted, those with babies and those without. Those people are probably still exhausted. Life is exhausting!

As for not being able to 'run around after' children at the age of 50 odd, I developed a condition that meant I couldn't walk for a number of years after my daughter's birth so my mother (and she was no spring chicken when she me) did a great deal of the leg work while my husband was at work. So there are mothers who are the 'right' age who still can't do all this essential running that's in the job description. And even if a problem relating to ability/older age emerged, there are plenty of perfectly fine parents who aren't completely physically able.

JessieMcJessie · 10/10/2015 00:29

Enough with all this nonsense about how some women"choose to have their children young". Believe me, if I had met anyone to ha e children with while I was young I would have got on with it quick smart. But my DH did not come into my life till I was 37 despite having wanted a secure relationship since my early 20s and doing everything I could think of to get one. there is NO fucking choice about TTC in my forties, believe me.

( though appreciate this is not the OP's position. I still say go for it OP. )

swimmerforlife · 10/10/2015 00:37

I think it's too old, have you thought about life expectancy? You will be raising a child into your mid 60s, which brings a whole host of health problems like cancer, dementia, being less mobile etc. Having lost my dad at 14 (he only had me when he was 37) I really wouldn't wish loosing a parent as child / teenager on anyone and it's not fair on the child either just because you have empty nest syndrome.

And do you want to put yourself through the heartbreak of every month getting your period (thats if you are still menstruating) or even worse a miscarriage as the chances are of you falling pregnant and staying pregnant in your mid 40s is slim. And if you do have a baby, there are high chances of autism, down syndrome and other life long difficulties.

Op I reckon you should be grateful and focus on your two wonderful children that you already have. There is life after children - join a club, go travelling etc you just enjoy life without having to run round after a toddler.

I had my first when I was 30 and will be expecting my second which I will have when I am 33, I find it hard enough as it is without being in my 40s.

VelvetSpoon · 10/10/2015 00:42

I didn't wait for the right man (lucky as it turned out because I didn't meet him til last year) but I appreciate single parenthood isn't for everyone and it is bloody hard work. I have several friends who did wait, and whilst it was the right decision for them, at least one has now decided not to try for DC as she is mid-40s.

I think as a pp said, there's such a range of ages at the school gates no-one assumes anyone is a grandparent anymore! When my eldest DC was in Y6 primary, I was in my mid 30s - I knew of at least 1 mum in his class still in her 20s, and several in their late 40s/ early 50s. There were some I assumed were in the latter age group who turned out to be younger than me...

In terms of energy levels, I'd agree I probably have less now than 15 years ago, but for me I'm significantly fitter now than I was back then. I don't think age necessarily has to equal unfit and incapable!

JessieMcJessie · 10/10/2015 00:47

swimmerforlife I am very sorry that you lost your father aged 14. However this is not because he waited until the ripe old age of 37 to have you, it is because he died extremely young at age 51. (Similar to mine who died at 53). The two are totally unconnected. My best friend 's Mum had her at 23 but died at 42. My DH's Dad was 37 when DH was born and is still hale and hearty at 70. DH is himself 37 now.

A previous poster said it well- we have no idea how we will age or how long we will live. Experiences can diverge massively. there is no point trying to second guess the future.

JessieMcJessie · 10/10/2015 00:48

Apologies, typo, DH's Dad is 74.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 10/10/2015 00:48

Swimmerforlife Biscuit

I think a child born to a slim and healthy woman in her forties is in for a far easier ride than a child born to an obese mother at any age.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 10/10/2015 00:49

I'm sorry you lost your dad. I missed that bit of your post.

JessieMcJessie · 10/10/2015 00:53

Oh and DH's Dad has smoked all his life, unlike my own father who never touched a cigarette ever. it's all a fucking lottery at the end of the day.

swimmerforlife · 10/10/2015 00:56

Look, yes it's probably my own issue but all is I am pointing out your health can decline rapidly in your 60s and it can be a pot luck as you have said Jessie and that it won't all be the dc 'keeping you young'.

Yes but a slim healthy woman could still develop early onset dementia, weak immune etc Handmaiden.

swimmerforlife · 10/10/2015 00:59

X Post! My dad was a heavy smoker so that would be part of the problem but there was already hereditary heart problems in the family, I just am trying to think whats best for the child.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad Jessie Flowers

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 10/10/2015 01:16

Several of my friends (and me!) started having kids in their late 30's/early 40's. It seems perfectly normal to me! I'm 42, with an 18 month year old. Round our way, nearly everyone's an older parent.

I'm really surprised at some of the replies on this thread.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 10/10/2015 01:18

Swimmer, I lost my father too, as a young teenager. He was very young, started his family nice and early. Life is just very sad sometimes.

Mmmmcake123 · 10/10/2015 01:26

My friend has a 17yo and a 3yo. The 3yo was planned when she got broody as the then 13yo was becoming more independent. She is 42. The 17yo is really good with the lo. The 3yo is asd and my friend really worries about the future but I dont really think she needs to as her 17yo always seems to have a better handle on it than she does.

Sunshineandwaves · 10/10/2015 01:34

Op I have two friends who had kids in their 40's. They are both wonderful, healthy energetic mums. I think it's very much down to the individual.

I'm pretty shocked by some of the comments in this thread. I had my third child in my late 30's. It never occurred to me I was considered "old and past it" until I clicked here...

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/10/2015 01:39

I am 45 and have a 4 year old. I had a lot of fun in my 20s. My parents were mid 20s when they had me. Their 60s were comfortable and fun.
I think it's a good idea to live a little one side of your dc.
You could be a very helpful granny in a few years.
Personally if I were in your position I would start thinking about a life without someone needing me and recapture what I wanted other than motherhood. After 20 years of parenting it's hard to deal with being 'redundant' and you need to change stream rather than find your old job.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 10/10/2015 01:48

I'm 43 and would like another....I have two aged 7 and 11...DH is the same and quite fancies it but when he said "Trouble is, it won't have a sibling to grow up with and when the others are ready to leave home it will be about 8 and left with us....just when we could be going off on hols together!"

That put me off! Grin

queenoftheboys · 10/10/2015 02:06

I had my first in late 30s, last at 43 - he's now 10. I've never been mistaken for his grandmother Smile Older mothers are the rule rather than the exception at our school gate. No problems with energy either and I have much more patience than I had in my 20s - I couldn't have coped with children then! (Not an issue anyway as didn't meet DH til mid 30s) Everyone's different and you should do what's right for you, but if you're asking if it's weird to have a baby in your 40s - definitely not in my experience!

Focusfocus · 10/10/2015 04:36

Where are you OP?

GruntledOne · 10/10/2015 04:59

Focus: have you noticed the time? Has it occurred to you that OP might be asleep?

x2boys · 10/10/2015 07:19

regarding chromosome abnormalities they can happen at any age i was 36 when my son was born with a rare chromosome disorder and although he is greatly affected by it some people are not or only slightly many people have chromosome abnormalities and are not aware of them

darkesttwilight · 10/10/2015 07:48

My parents died in their 40s.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I'd still rather be alive.

Kr1stina · 10/10/2015 07:59

Your not crazy at all

I'm in my mid 50s and have two children in primary school . I just about manage to hobble after them, in between running a business and training for marathons .

And no, no one has ever taken me for their grandmother . Not that I would care if they did . There are worse things in life .

And I also had none of the things this poster implies are inevitable

of a) struggling to conceive and all the pain and heartache of that b) having a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages c) having health problems during pregnancy (risk is doubled for things like diabetes, high blood pressure) d) having a disabled child e) no siblings for your child to grow up with (as they're so much older) f) your child having much older parents and the generation gap that creates g) much increased risk of intervention in childbirth h) risk of potnatal depression i) not bonding with other mothers due to being older j) risk of just being so knackered from it all when you are so much older than the last time

I can only assume that some of the posters in their 20s and 30s are very overweight and / or unfit , because their assumptions about what their own lives will be like in their 40s are so unlike my experience or that of any of my friends. If that's the case I suggest you act to improve your own health now, rather than assume that active life ends at 40 .

Diddlydokey · 10/10/2015 08:08

Your body starts to do silly things like releasing 2 eggs in a month at 45...