To want to have a baby at 45?

[broodyolderlady]

I am 45 and I have 2 lovely DCs who are 18 and 16. I have been thinking about having another baby for a while. The urge has recently become stronger to the extent that I'm having trouble focusing on other things. I actually had a vivid dream a few nights ago where I was pregnant. I've become obsessed with reading the threads on MN for ladies who are 40+ and expecting or trying to conceive. I have also combed over lots of old threads from older mums who have gotten BFPs. I absolutely love reading them . Am I BU or selfish for considering it? Do any ladies of older vintage have recent pregnancy success stories or cautionary tales they wouldn't mind sharing?

Good point. I know my x thinks he gives me so much money that I must be spending it on fur coats, but there was one month, by the time I'd paid her extra curricular money and deposit for orthodontic treatment, that was the maintenance for one month gone. I had to look at my children and give the one with 'the worst' teeth braces. The first one will go to university and then I'm not sure what will happen with the second.

Sauvignon plonker love your screen name! so in awe of your financial foresight buying a flat at 21!

Oh no! I'd slip up!
And what about old school friends!? does she lie about their ages too!! or say, these are my um, old babysitters. I was 7 and they were 17. But we stayed in touch!!

That'd make me feel crazy and then I'd properly go crazy!!

Not all children go to university. And I don't know anyone who is funding their DC through it either. If you can afford to, fine, but I don't think it's a given.

If my DC go to uni, I'll be getting them a BTL to live in, but they'll still have to pay some rent. That's the extent of the support I plan to give, and as I say is more than others I know.

I know for me I'd like one more chance to do everything. I always planned to have 3 children, so it all feels unfinished. I've accepted it won't happen but it is at present something of a regret.

I also don't get the 'wait for grandchildren' either. That could be 15-20 years off. And you only have to read threads on here to see how many adults deliberately limit contact between them / their DC, and their parents/PILs, to realise being an active part of any DGC lives is far from a given.

Lost as to why 'old' is a synonym for 'embarrassing.'

Getting older is quite natural, you know.

It happens to most people

True, wrt GC. My mum's friend had one dd and that woman always hated being an only child. She has five children even though the last gave her some health problems. Another friend of my mums has four sons but only one GC. And I won't elaborate on the various reasons why there won't be more but there wont. It is funny how grandchildren are not necessarily the expected return given the number of children you have............... no idea if I'll have any gc

broody i get it .i am also 45 my youngest 16 .i am always fantazing about another little one .oh a daughter would be lovely .sometimes my heart aches .but i have decided i will just start hinting to eldest son 24 and his partner to get bloody on with it and i can just have all the fun without the constant .we are a close loving family but my friend had two boys at 39 /41 and she looks fantastic says its great more money more patience god here i go dreaming again

I had DC3 at 43 when DC1 was 19 and DC2 was 18. It was unplanned.
Pros: loved having a small child again and we adjusted easily to night feeds, and lives revolving round a baby again.
Cons: once I got to 50 life with a seven year old got very, very tiring (I was also teaching full time though).
Pros:I am 63 and still haven't experienced 'empty nest' syndrome.
Cons: we are in our early 60s and our lives still revolve round DC3 to some extent because he has Aspergers and we wonder if he will ever leave home.

Each to their own but bear in mind you'd be 50 when they start school...that is a scary thought to me. At 50, my dc will be in their 20s and I hope to be travelling the world, relaxing and enjoying myself not resigned to another decade of school runs, packed lunches and homework!

OP I've just had DC 6 at age 47 - 48 next week. I've had my last 4 DCs in my 40s with no problems. You won't regret having a baby but you will regret not trying.

When i was born (late 1960's) my mother was considered an 'older mother'. Eyebrows were raised at me being her first. (I'm an only)

She was 30 !

At 40 she looked and behaved like an average woman in her 60s does now. By the time i was 20 she was 50 and was like an old lady. She would definitely been taken as a grandma at the school gates.

Times have changed and on the whole women are 'younger' and healthier now. Life expectancy is increasing all the time. We are no longer over the hill at 40. We are all expected to still be working well into our 60s now, and that age will probably rise too eventually.

It's miles more common place these days for women to re-marry and try for a second family. We are encouraged to get a career in place before trying for a family. Told we have all the time in the world for settling down. Then find out our fertility's on the slide by 35! It's a very sad twist of nature that evolution hasn't moved along with us.

As for me; i had 3 DDs in my early 20s, divorced in my 30s and remarried at 40.

I've had DD4 with my lovely DH (his first) and he is the most wonderful father. I'm 46 and DD is 20 months. I am loving every minute of it. I'm not exhausted, i don't look like her granny, and i wasn't the oldest woman on my midwifes books and i had no age related complications during pregnancy or birth. My older girls love their little half sister and she is spoilt rotten

Epon it might be different when she is a teenager. DS got quite a lot of 'Your parents are HOW old?' and also had a friend whose Granny was younger than me.

Today, forty-something mothers are more likely to be first-timers, and their numbers are rising once again. Office for National Statistics figures show that pregnancy rates for over-40s have more than doubled in the past 24 years, with 14 conceptions per 1,000 women aged 40-plus compared with six per 1,000 in 1990.

From www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/10838177/Why-fertility-is-far-from-finished-at-40.html

These days nearly everyone knows someone who’s had a baby in their 40s. In the UK, about one in 25 babies is born to a mum over 40, according to the Office of National Statistics. In the US, about one out of every 96 babies is born to a woman age 40-44, according to the US Department of Health and Human Services, and the number of women having their first baby over 40 more than doubled from 1990 to 2012. In Australia, one in 65 babies is born to an over-40 mother, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics — even higher than teen pregnancies.

From www.bbc.com/capital/story/20150417-here-comes-baby-at-45-plus

"Getting older is quite natural, you know.

It happens to most people"

Indeed, and is usually better than the alternative. :)

Just as another data point, having children into your 40s was reasonably common in the days before widespread contraception. A lot of women just kept having children til they couldn't. My dad's mother had him and his brother in her 40s.

Also not to minimize the much lower chances of a successful pregnancy in your 40s versus your 20s, but it's still not zero. I remember reading that a significant number of terminations are for women in their 40s who basically assumed they couldn't get pregnant any more and got sloppy with contraception because "your fertility drops off a cliff at 35, doesn't it?".

OP, everyone is different and what everyone feels capable in their forties and later is also different. This thread shows that: there are so many different feelings from those who are in their forties and fifties. (Although I'm a bit at some of the self-righteous comments being made by younger posters who appear to have no idea what it means to be forty something! And what's with being so worried about what people at the school gate think of you? Who cares?! But maybe not caring is something that comes with age... ).

If you want to go for it, then only you know your personal circumstances, but I'd say give it a try.

And go back to the 40+ threads where you will get the support you need!

Well, i've got both sides of this.

2 of my daughters have boyfriends in their early 20s who's parents are in their 60s. (They were both 'surprise' babies).

So they're parents are 20 years older than me.

They're fine, fit and active people. Neither boy seems particularly mentally scarred by having parents in their 60s and are very happy to be in this world. Neither of my daughters care a jot that their future inlaws are 20 years older than their parents. Once a child reaches their 20s i'm not convinced they're all that worried about their parents image.

And when you're a teenager everyone over 25 seems like an old codger anyway - especially if they're your parents, so there's no winning really

What would worry me most would be having a severely disabled child who would need lifelong care and may end up dependent on older siblings who never asked for such a responsibility.

I wouldn't want to go through amnio/ late top either.

So I'd never intentionally ttc after 40, but I can understand why others make a different choice.

I don't think the 'social' reasons should be used against women but not older fathers.

You do change as you get older. Some in positive ways in terms of having a child, some in negative ways. So you do have less energy as you get older, and are more likely to develop some kind of health problem, even if it is a minor one. Not a reason not to have a baby though. But I don't think it is helpful to pretend that you are the same at 20, as at 50 years of age.

I think having had 2, and knowing what that would involve for the next 20 years, you're more well placed to make a decision than someone younger who hasn't had any. I'm a couple of years older than you with two teens, and after an unplanned miscarriage, pined for one with my second husband and tried. Didn't happen again and I can honestly say now, I'm so pleased it didn't. The nine times table and eleven plus exams come to mind...I will never stop worrying about the two I have, but am now looking forward to spending the remainer of my life seeing the world with my amazing husband, enjoying life and maybe one day grandchildren. Two is enough to worry about for me.

I had 3 children very young, by the time I was 22, and 2 more at almost 40 and almost 43.
I have loads more patience, money, apreciation of how quickly the years fly by. I didn't try and hurry the last two into bed when they were little like I did with my oldest 3.
I am now nearly 58 with an 18 and nearly 15 yr old. My DH is even older, and we have had no regrets at all. My older children love their younger siblings and spoil them rotten.
My DS (18) will hopefully be off to Uni next year but we aren't able to give him much finanical support, he will have to do what his older siblings did and get loans etc. Same for youngest when/if she goes.
We have a very dear friend who was born when his DM was 45 and his DF was 70. He knew we were thinking of trying before we had the last two and asked what was stopping us. I said our age, and he said even though his DF was old when he was born and died when he was only 10, he loved him dearly and would always rather have been born than not, if that makes sense!
My first DH was a 'change' baby as they used to be called, babies born to women who thought they had gone through the menopause/change and couldn't get pregnant. It used to be quite common to know women in their 40s who had a 'change' baby!

I don't think it is fair to have a child if one partner is so old, that the chance of them dying when their baby is still a child, is fairly high.

There are decent online tools to tell you your predicted life expectancy.

I had my 2nd at 44 1st was 20 she is now 8 months don't regret for a second . Never saw it as a loss if freedom some adjustments but who cares . Conceived without assistance after 1 mc a year previously .
If you can and your DP also wants the same and you feel that you can give the child what he/she needs physically/emotionally go for it. And enjoy the trying

It was a different time of course, but my own mum was 40 when she had me - mum and dad had two boys, 12 and 15. I felt really lonely, being boys they were not interested in me at all ( till I grew up) I just felt in the way and mum was permanently exhausted. She really was an ' older mum ' too, so always felt different at school. At least your one will be wanted I suppose and people are much more cool about these things than they were then.
Don't forget the dreaded menopause starts kicking in too, it does play havoc with everything. If you do go ahead, good luck. its a new life and that's always to be celebrated too. It was just my experience that put me off having any more after two.