Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

230 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:57

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love Hmm

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 08/10/2015 10:00

I would send it, I would be wrong to do so, but I still would.

InternationalEspionage · 08/10/2015 10:02

Sorry, if I was about to marry someone who was a selfish liar with no sense of parental responsibility, I would be indebted to you for life if you told me.

Apologies, I know this is not what you wanted to hear.

Flowers
catfordbetty · 08/10/2015 10:03

I wouldn't - too worried about unintended consequences. Very hard to predict the fallout.

honeyroar · 08/10/2015 10:04

I would try to put him out of your mind. You knew he and his family were idiots all those years ago. He has proven it again and now your daughter knows too. Block him on Facebook, try not to even think about it. Don't waste your energies on him. Use them in making a fuss of your daughter, let her know how special she is and that her dad is stupid and missing out on a really special young woman. I can understand you feel awful, he is truly a heartless coward (sounds like his whole family are). But you have proven yourself to be worth much more, you've brought her up without him, you don't need him. Don't lower yourself to his level and get involved in his life..x

nameschanger · 08/10/2015 10:06

He's embarrassed about not having a relationship with her. He's being a coward but he obviously doesn't want to confront her on it. Shameful, but not unexpected as he would have made an effort before now if he'd wanted to know her right?

Don't message his fiancee. It's pretty and you will look like someone trying to cause trouble.

Show your daughter how she should react. With dignity not pettiness. She deserves better and got that with you.

auntyclot · 08/10/2015 10:06

What good would it do? It's unlikely he is going to acknowledge your did as a result. His wife might well not believe you, leaving you even more angry and frustrated. If he's that much of a div, she will find out in due course. Don't let him affect your life or your Dd's. It's his loss. Doesn't sound like she's missing much.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/10/2015 10:07

if I was about to marry someone, I'd wanna know if I was about to commit to a liar and a spiteful twat.

you wouldn't destroy my life you'd save me from.a terrible. mistake

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2015 10:08

His wife needs to know. Your daughter had a right to child support all those years. She has a right to be left money in his Will. If she pushed that, his wife and children would get a terrible shock when he died.

If his fiancée knows now, she can make an informed decision. You are taking that right away from her if you don't tell her.

Chillyegg · 08/10/2015 10:09

Do you know what tell her.

I don't normally recomend acts of revenge but this women deserves to go into the marriage with her eyes wide open.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:11

I wouldn't message his fiancée. It's possible that she already knows his side of the story and has no reason to disbelieve him. Why should she believe a bitter stranger over her fiancé?

abbieanders · 08/10/2015 10:12

I'd message him rather than her.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2015 10:12

A bitter stranger? Do you mean his daughter?

OP, I don't understand why you didn't get child support off him. You must have been broke!

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:13

What an absolute cunt he is Angry

You should have pushed forward and got a DNA test done for CSA. Who cares if he was a mummies boy they are all a bunch of arseholes.

I would absolutely message his fiancé. Just out of spite. How dare he deny her twice! And all because he clearly hasn't told his new woman what a twat he was.

Sorry - there would be no dignified silence on this for me, I'd need the closure.

Headofthehive55 · 08/10/2015 10:13

You must tell her. It's simply facts, and she has a right to know. Any future children have a right to know they have a step sister.

Branleuse · 08/10/2015 10:13

I think just tell your daughter that her dad is an arsehole, and if he wasnt, he would have been there the whole time. That you understand shes hurting, and youre furious hes done this and is lying, but you were worried this would happen but that she had to find out for herself. Remind her that YOU will always be there for her, and that theres a million other girls with deadbeat dads too and shes not alone, and that youre in this together x

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:14

It wouldn't be a step sister it would biologically be a half sibling

diddl · 08/10/2015 10:17

You've sorted it out with your daughter.

She believes you.

I'd leave it at that.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 08/10/2015 10:17

His wife doesn't need to know, it will make you look stupid and petty, as she won't believe you.
Read all of the stories on here where people say his ex tried to warn me, but he just said ...)

Calliou · 08/10/2015 10:18

I would want to know. Tell her. At least she can make an informed choice.

PinkCrocsSize5 · 08/10/2015 10:18

You've been through some shit, I'm sorry.

I would message them both. I think she needs to know what kind of specimen she's dealing with.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/10/2015 10:19

If I was that woman I would want to know. Any woman would surely?

It is unfortunate for your daughter but we do run the risk of this scenario when trying to re establish contact.

You've nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

Do it.

What a horrible family.

HorseyCool · 08/10/2015 10:19

I would want to know if I was in the fiancés shoes. A simple note detailing the facts would work.

profbadbride · 08/10/2015 10:20

I REALLY would not contact the fiancée via Facebook, OP. I understand how upset you must be, but in the long run, I think it will do you no good. Maintain the moral high ground.

If contact is to be made with your ex and his family, far better to go through the proper channels, such as a lawyer, IMO. If you want him to acknowledge paternity, this may be the best option. Your ex can't be forced to have contact, but you could get things straightened out from a legal perspective (inheritance etc).

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 10:21

I have messaged him and told him exactly what i think.

in hindsight i did want to inform the csa . i was broke but my parents supported me and i met dp when dd was 2. she hasn't gone without.

The point about the will is a good one.

Bitter stranger?? i don't think so. I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

i honestly don't know what to do. i have no responsibility towards this woman. and i don't want fall out for my dd.

one day he will have children and he'll know what he missed out on.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 08/10/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.