So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

[TheoriginalLEM]

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

Tbh I think that if maintenance should have been claimed when it was needed not now when the dd is an adult.

The new wife might know or not, as pp said, some will believe the version of events that the guy has given them (and why should they not believe it?).
But in some ways this is irrelevant.

Your dd wanted to know who her father was. He has said very clearly that he doesn't want anything to do with her.
What needs to be dealt with now is how she feels about it? She is feeling hurt but does she want to insist on getting some contact with that man, a person who has told her he doesn't want her in his life?
It IS a shame. It certainlly is a reflection on who he is as a person (Not nice or very fearful of what could happen, unable to take responsibility, whatever) but she won't change him and tbh she would probably be better not seeing him.
It's not a dissimilar situation than what people who have been adopted go through when they look for their birth parents. Would we say that the birth father or mother of a now adult is the worst person in the world for not seen their child?

Atm she is grieving the potential of meeting a father, one that would/could have agreed to see her, could have been some sort of father in her life.
She needs support on that rather than the OP behaving as if it IS the end of the world that he didn't behave 'the right way'.

to you and your dd though.

Also OP, this could open up a heap of old wounds, rifts and arguments from years ago and could result in more falling outs and fights all for the sake of getting one over on him by destroying his relationship.

I am absolutely not agreeing with his actions and behaviour over the past 25 years ago, he treated you and your DD appallingly as did his parents but this could cause more heartache and stress than it's worth. I think you and your DD need to decide if it's worth pursuing this or let bygones be bygones. If you do, I would strongly advise going down this route with evidence, legal and DNA documentation so he cannot lie through his teeth.

Posted to soon! to make you look like a bitter, twisted ex etc

I wouldn't contact her.

Also, nobody has "rights" to anyone's will. Only children who need to be supported. As your dd is now an adult then he has no obligations to leave her anything in his will. I'm not having a go there in just stating facts so that you don't try and fight a battle that you will inevitably lose.

I wouldn't say anything, he's an idiot if he's the dad but you don't seem so sure yourself.

His reaction tells you he hasn't told his fiance.

I would contact her because she does need to know that he has a child already, albeit a grown up one. Clearly his parents aren't going to tell her and neither is she.

A simple paternity test would confirm parentage if he argued it. And there should be some documentation about the police visit. Whether this is accessible or not I don't know.

To the pp who said about dates, that wasn't to do with who was the father but how far into the pregnancy she found out she was pregnant. My friend found out she was pregnant at 32 weeks. Genuinely. And was devastated due to no prenatal vitamins and all the drinking she had done etc.

Did you actually get paternity tests done? Because you say in your OP you weren't clear on dates etc...there is always the chance that he really doesn't believe that it was anything to do with him at all.

This is a good point.

I have to admit if an ex girl of DS turned up months after not seeing then claiming pg my first thought would be DNA testing especially if DS wasn't sure if it was his or if he was sure it wasn't. As a parent I'd want to protect him - though at 22 I'd expect him to be able to do this himself.

I could see that not going over well by girl parents - are you accusing my DD of sleeping round or lying. Is that why police were called or where they just very extreme people?

I would expect CSA claim and a wiliness to do paternity test at some point.

It's also possible he rewritten history his his head - some people do.

The will thing - yep if he makes a will he can leave his estate to anyone he likes. If he doesn't

www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

Chances are the bulk would still go the spouse - would depend on amount in estate if he wasn't married then all children would have a claim.

I would absolutely want to know if my dp had a child from years ago that he was now refusing to have a relationship with.

I can absolutely see that a woman might believe a man's version of events that they weren't allowed to see their child when it was born etc, it happens and to pretend it doesn't is naive.

But I don't understand how any woman could then go on to support the man's further assertion that they wouldn't want any kind of relationship with that child should they then want to get to know their father. Because tbh that doesn't exactly then tie in with the story that they would have wanted to know when the child was smaller. That child doesn't become less biologically yours just because it's now an adult and has chosen of its own free will to get in touch.

I wouldn't regret telling your DD. As an adult she needed to find this out for herself, even though it is painful for her. It could have been a part of her history that she would never have internally resolved, but now she can move on with a much clearer understanding of why her biological father was not part of her life. How fortunate this dick of a man did not become involved in her life as a child or now as an adult.

It must be terribly difficult for you to see the pain she is experiencing at the moment, but she will get through it. I would walk away from your obvious instinct to cause him pain by contacting his DP, do not waste any further of your emotionally energy on them.

But I don't understand how any woman could then go on to support the man's further assertion that they wouldn't want any kind of relationship with that child should they then want to get to know their father. Because tbh that doesn't exactly then tie in with the story that they would have wanted to know when the child was smaller.

It's too painful, I don't want give their mother a chance to make trouble for us, they only want money/something else, they are so angry with me and I don't want to bad mouth their mother to them, what good can it do now, it will only hurt/confuse our family or my parents etc

Amazing what people come up with and what others are willing to believe.

for you and for your DD.

Leave it alone, now. You tried when your DD was a baby, and they called the police on you. There's no clearer answer than that.

Then you have managed throughout without him, bringing up a DD you are proud of. He has lost out on all those years, and will never have them back, whatever happens. He's lost more than he knows, and nothing at all will change that for anyone.

He has never paid any money to her, so don't even think about inheritances. It's not anyone's "right" to be left money just because they're related - there is a moral imperative, maybe, but he doesn't sound like morals trouble him much.

If I was his new fiancee, I would want to know but I would wonder what the point was of you (i.e. the mother) stirring up trouble now after 25 years? It should be your DD who tells his fiancee, if anyone. If I was YOU, I would step away, support your DD in her disappointment, acknowledging that you know how hurtful it is - because you have been there - but that you know life is not improved with him in it - because you have had a wonderful 25 years with her without his involvement.

He's obviously not worth your energy, or your DDs. She has tried, he has said no. Now is the time to walk away and leave him to it (again).

I feel for you both, though.

I would leave well alone, he didn't step up when he was 22 and has clearly demonstrates he has no wish to step up now. Why would you want to tell his fiancée for any reason other than out of revenge? You don't know her and can't claim to have any concerns of her well being so what do you care if she marries a man who has rejected his daughter twice? She won't thank you for it, she'll probably think you're a total bitch for interfering which will play into whatever story he tells to explain his behaviour and it certainly won't soften dd's bio dad into a relationship with dd. let sleeping dogs lie, be grateful you didn't get stuck with the bastard and be there for your dd.

Snidey as fuck to just message the 'other woman'.

Maybe you should have acted more like a 'lioness mummy' when your DD was younger than thinking of hurting an innocent party now.

Telling the fiancé would be the kindest thing for her. She gets to know what she's getting into.

The best thing for you is to leave it alone. He's a twat and you don't know what will happen.

Protect your daughter and not some random stranger.

wannaBe -

DP does not feel like that person's father. He has had no Involvement in his life. He is uncomfortable with the thought that he may be expected to love a grown man who he has never met before. He may not even like that person, but will be expected to "step up" and behave towards a stranger in the same way as he behaves towards his other children. And he feels he couldn't do it.

DP was himself abandoned by his birth mother and has no desire to find her.

I honestly think that we shouldn't judge people for making decisions that we will never have to make.

Bojack ?? are you fucking joking???

I haven't read all the post, but wanted to say, OP that I have been that woman you are thinking about messaging.
My ex DH fathered a child when he was 18 and always denied paternity and never told me about it. Then one day when we had two DCs of or own, this lovely young lady got in touch and he was forced to tell about it. I encouraged him to have a relationship with her, I really did and I was in my heart really delighted that my two DCs would have this 'surprise' elder sister. But he really didn't want to and was generally pretty crap to her and I can honestly say that this partly led to the breakdown of our marriage (not the only reason but with hindsight it was relevant). If you asked me now whether I'd rather have known from the start the answer is oh my goodness yes (although I can never regret my DCs of course).

I would not bother telling her. She will find out soon enough believe me. The fiancé of my GS1's dad knew he had fathered a child with a 15 year old,knew he had assaulted a child and went on to be convicted for a further abh and GBH. She knew all this and still married him. It is always, always everyone else's fault, never his nor his family, ever.

They are now divorced after a short lived marriage. She received legal aid, the new rules only providing for those who have suffered domestic violence.

Op, they are both the same deadbeats and you and your dd should move on, free from his negative impact. She is not your responsibility.

how am i snidey - did you read my op?

When it comes to affairs etc. I'm firmly in the "keep out of it" camp, but I would 100% tell her if I were you. Best case scenario, in time she's grateful for the information and she uses it when making decisions about her future; worst case, it makes his life difficult for like ten minutes. He's not going to change his mind about seeing your DD so I would be quite happy to stick two fingers up to him all whilst giving another woman a heads up about the knob she's about to pledge her troth to. Even if she doesn't act on that information at least she's had the option.

And whilst it's a possibility he's told her I think it's unlikely. The man sounds like a coward. First he was bullied by his parents (he was 22, not 12), didn't take responsibility or, if he had doubts, ask for a paternity test. And then when his adult daughter makes contact he 'dumps' her by text message and completely makes up a story in which he comes out of looking alright. He will not have voluntarily had this conversation with his fiancee.

Just because he won't acknowledge her is no reason for this to be swept under the carpet. What does your dd want you to do?

I would write a reasonable factual letter to him and his fiancée, explaining how this second rejection has hurt dd, that even if he wishes no contact with his daughter, him denying her totally and lying about his knowledge of her, is causing her distress, I would also point out that the reason you are letting them both know is that you have no say over whether dd will choose to contact him in the future, and you feel it would be unfair all round if this dishonesty continues.

well, either she will take heed and will at least think about who she is about to marry, or she will be one of the gullible women posting on here in years to come "my dh's ex is a psycho, they had to get the police involved to get her out of his life years ago," in which case they deserve each other.

But I agree with a PP this isn't the same as a woman contacting the wife after an affair - this is someone who is likely to become the mother to op's dd's half siblings.

It's all very well denying the existance of a child now while there are no children involved. But what happens twenty years down the line when the new children find out that they have a half sibling who was kept secret? What happens if they decide they want a relationship with that half sibling? If I found out that my father had walked away from a child and refused to have anything to do with them it would change my entire view of him, because it would confirm to me that he wasn't the man I thought he was.

Anyone who can deny the existance of a child, refuse to have any relationship with them at any point in the future is not a good father even to their existing children. People who uphold their partners' arguments that they were denied access when younger therefore they now have the right to deny that child a relationship of any kind should bear that in mind, plus the fact that if they ever split this will be the father their own children will come to know.

Who the hell wants to marry a man like that?

She won't have a right to inherit his money when he dies. But I think the new wife deserves to know. Whether you tell her, however, should be a decision you and your daughter make together, and the possible effect on your daughter and her feelings is the most important thing for you to consider.