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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

230 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:57

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love Hmm

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 09/10/2015 18:07

Yes Maryz !!!! Exactly!

Senpai · 09/10/2015 18:08

Ive told dd to post the screenshots on his wall - fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Why encourage the drama? Hmm Tell her to block him and move on.

Explain this was the reason you kept him a secret and that no father is worse than a bad father. Your DP is her father (for all intents and purposes). This idiot is a sperm donor.

notapizzaeater · 09/10/2015 18:09

Wow, just wow, the cheek of the bloke !

Snoopadoop · 09/10/2015 18:10

Why are you encouraging your daughter to engage further? She absolutely should not post anything on his wall at your request! It's almost like you're trying to get back at him through her. :(
Don't engage at all. It's none of your business anymore and your daughter is an adult. Let her decide what she needs to do.

goawayalready · 09/10/2015 18:12

ok so dd contact the fiancee and tell her she is thinking of starting a family of her own soon and would like to prove paternity once and for all because if her children and his children should ever meet and god forbid fall in love it could be a genetic disaster?

or needs to prove paternity due to possible hereditary medical conditions?

or be the bigger person block move on print off copies of the messages just in case you ever waver

goawayalready · 09/10/2015 18:14

by the way i understand how you feel my ex has never had anything to do with his dd

his loss

Anastasie · 09/10/2015 18:14

I think you have to separate it out.

He doesn't want to know his daughter. You can't make him change. His fiance is nothing to do with you.

Walk away - please just walk away. I am so sorry your dd has encountered this shitty behaviour but you cannot make it right, you can only try and move on.

He has not won, karma will catch up with him somehow if it hasn't already.

Keep your dignity and that of your dd.

NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 18:26

I would highlight your case for backdated CSA to his co-workers, he is a very bad example for that job.

Your DD should not have to listen to his lies.

She should call him on them and block them.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/10/2015 18:30

What a total arsehole!

However tempting it is I really think you both have to walk away. He deserves your revenge but you don't deserve anymore heartache, stress and pain wasted on this lowlife.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 09/10/2015 18:31

Well I have messaged her. She knew about my DD anyway. I simply pointed out, politely, that he lied to my dd so assume he had lied to her and that he absolutely know of her existence. I made it clear that she wasn't after money nor was she a threat to their relationship, she just wanted info on any siblings and grand parents.

I have told DD to move on and forget him, that she has us, we are her family and we love her.

As far as im concerned, thats an end to the matter. Bastard

this is what i have said to her

"I wasn't going to contact you as i really don't want to cause you any trouble at all. However, it transpires that you know about x daughter x so i am not sending you a shock revelation.

I just wanted you to know that despite what he has told you (i assume as much as this is what he has told x) that he absolutely did know of her existence. I took x to his parents house when she was born, he chose not to see her and I had spoken to his parents at length. He admitted to one of his friends who worked in the arcade e that he new she was his baby.

There was some questions raised over paternity because i didn't discover the pregnancy until i was 5 months pregnant due to my irregular periods. But despite what he told my daughter, i was not sleeping around and he knew this.

I don't care about that, he was 22 and pretty scared of his parent's reaction. Understandable of course.

I have never wished x any ill and had no intention of disclosing his identity to DD but she insisted and felt she needed to know if she had siblings and also, if there was any genetic information that was pertinent - a history of familial cancers and such like.

He proceeded to string x along with promises of DNA tests and then changed his mind saying he had to think of you. Fair enough but why the lies? Why he say he didn;t know about his existence when he did - either that or he has had some sort of brain episode that has ablated his memory.

I had hoped that he would have found it in his heart to have some sort of relationship with her. Give her some info on background. She was never going to be a threat to your relationship and still isn't.. Neither is she, or I, after money - He has managed to dodge that particular bullet.

That is all i have to say really - i wish you well

dignity in tact - i hope.

OP posts:
Yvonnebb76 · 09/10/2015 18:37

If she knew about your DD, I'd guess that it was her who changed his mind about a relationship with his/your daughter.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 09/10/2015 18:40

Do you know that you have put your DD name in that post?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 09/10/2015 18:42

i thought that too yvonne. well they can both do one. my dd has a family and we love her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 09/10/2015 18:44

Thankyou to everyone for being so kind. lots of good advice.

i am going to ask for this to be deleted now as its too identifiable. i also need to close the door on it. i do appreciate all the advice x

OP posts:
Snoopadoop · 09/10/2015 18:45

You've named your daughter. You might want to report that as elsewhere you replaced it with x.

I think what you've done is done. Please that's it now, leave everything else to your daughter.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 09/10/2015 18:47

have reported snoop and yes. that is an end to it.

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 19:07

I would block her and him on fb now snoop.

NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 19:08

Sorry LEM.

shebird · 09/10/2015 19:12

I hope your DD is ok Flowers

InternationalEspionage · 09/10/2015 19:37

LEM

Sorry for what this horrible man has put you both through fwiw I absolutely think you did the right thing contacting her, and am really happy you can put this to rest knowing you have honoured your daughter's existence by refusing to tolerate his cruel cowardly lies.

Flowers
InternationalEspionage · 09/10/2015 19:39

P.s. also agree you left your dignity in tact Wink

Senpai · 09/10/2015 19:43

Flowers That sounds like a mature not to write.

Hopefully your daughter is able to move on.

Senpai · 09/10/2015 19:43

Mature note to write.

OhYeahMama · 09/10/2015 19:55

What a cock he is. I am the the type of person who won't let a wrong lie dormant and will have it out, I would have to pursue to the end.

Could you see if the police have a record of them being called?

PavlovtheCat · 09/10/2015 20:40

It's not just up to her dad about contact. She has potentially an entire extended biological family there who might not know about her, that might want to. And it's wrong for him to deny her the opportunity to have that involvement if that's something she and they might want.

If your DD would like to make contact with them, that's her right, as an adult, to make those decisions, and he cannot stop her. And, if for example, the only way she can do that is to post on his FB wall as the only way to make contact with extended family, so she can get in touch with them, then sobeit.

But, i think you need to be guided by what she would like to happen. She is now an adult, has access to his FB and has the potential to get under his skin all by herself if she so desires. But, if she wants to walk away, despite being hurt and upset, then you should respect that and not post to the other woman.