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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

230 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:57

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love Hmm

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 08/10/2015 13:13

I'd tell him that his future wife has a right to know.

Leave it at that.

juneau · 08/10/2015 13:18

Your DD is 25 and has the right to know who her father is, so don't feel bad about telling her. Not knowing such an essential piece of information about yourself can be very damaging. He's clearly a complete arsehole, but at least now she won't romanticise him and dream of making contact and how wonderful it would be to meet her real dad. Some people are fuckwits and don't deserve to be parents and he's clearly one of them.

WRT the fiancee - no I wouldn't tell her. Would she really believe you anyway? He's going to deny all knowledge to her when she confronts him and then its his word (her beloved fiance), against you (a stranger who he will no doubt paint in an unflattering light). I'd leave well alone. She's got to live with him - that's punishment enough.

threenotfour · 08/10/2015 13:24

Don't contact her. I really don't know why you would to be honest. You are not her friend, her guardian or her family. You have no responsibility towards her and why would she believe a stranger over her fiance anyway. Yes she should as you are telling the truth but she doesn't know that nor would be likely to see it like that.

You would literally be stirring up trouble for yourself for nothing. It won't help you or your daughter so why bother. You're not a superhero out to save the day for everyone. This women is no one to you. You live your life and she can live hers.

sunnyshowers · 08/10/2015 13:28

7 days before my wedding I was told my ex df had a 2 year old...together 7 years.
Not the same of course because he cheated and was in sporadic contact with child. The wedding was cancelled and I am v grateful I was told....very grateful.
He decided to lose contact with the child....Honestly I may have considered getting back with him (young madly in love..idiot) had he done right by his child...The fact he didn't meant I would never never consider him again.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/10/2015 13:34

So he was an arsehole at 22 and at 47 is no better.

If I were your daughter I'd personally walk away and never ever contact him again.

Before I did that though - I would consider getting hold of a full family medical questionnaire and blackmail him into completing it, and get his GP to witness it.

Your daughter is 22 and an adult. It is not your choice or role to play any further part in this. You gave up that right on the day she turned 18.

BojackHorseman · 08/10/2015 13:36

You said yourself OP that you weren't certain of dates so why would I be joking?

queenofthepirates · 08/10/2015 13:39

Easy Bojack, you are being insensitive to the OP at a time when things are painful and raw. She is sure who the father is and that's an end to it.

Whatevva · 08/10/2015 13:41

Not knowing the dates of periods does not equate to not knowing who the father is Hmm

BojackHorseman · 08/10/2015 13:42

I'm not the only poster who has said similar.

SaltySeaBird · 08/10/2015 13:42

I don't condone revenge in anyway and in life I'm normally the pushover who lets things lie.

However, in this case I would message her. I'd say while he denies it and continues to lie about it you know he has other children and your daughter is devastated by his rejection but maybe there is still a relationship to be had, of sorts with other biological members of her family; her half siblings.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/10/2015 13:46

BojackHorseman Thu 08-Oct-15 13:36:41
You said yourself OP that you weren't certain of dates so why would I be joking?

What a cunty thing to post. She wasn't sure of the dates not who she had been having sex with. How fucking rude are you Bojack to assume she was unsure because she was having sex with a load of randoms she couldn't keep track of?

LEM, do nothing. Honestly leave it well alone. He is a shit and doesn't deserve your time.

wiltingfast · 08/10/2015 13:48

No no no no NO! Do NOT do it.

No matter what you tel yourself, you are only taking out your anger on the fiancee and quite possibly burning all future bridges ever, for your DD with her father.

Support your DD. Suggest she leave it a while and if she wants to, possibly contact him again. Encourage her to leave the door ajar. She clearly wants to know him if she can. It is potentially a long game, it might never happen given that he seems such a dick. But you are HER mother, not the fiancee's. Her problems are just none of your business at all.

Supporting your dd does not mean attacking the father and his fiancee. as much as he deserves it

Life is long. You need to play a long game here for your DD.

BojackHorseman · 08/10/2015 13:51

I certainly didn't mean to upset the OP and I definitely wasn't insinuating anything.

OP I'm sorry.

Nabootique · 08/10/2015 13:54

I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation. I would certainly not think badly of you for telling the wife-to-be about it though, even though it probably wouldn't do your DD any good. I can completely understand you wanting to hurt him.

He's a total (and I very, very rarely use this word) cunt. How CAN he? Disgusting. Flowers

ouryve · 08/10/2015 14:04

LEM, you've done the best thing you possibly could by giving him a piece of your mind. It probably won't change his behaviour but he'd have to be a complete psychopath not to at least squirm a bit.

His fiancée does deserve to know, but she's never going to believe it from you - only from him, so we know where that will go. And, as your DD said, it's him that's the problem, not her.

I'd leave well alone, now, though if I was your DD, I'd be tempted to find out where the wedding is and, if it's in a church, turn up and introduce myself!

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 08/10/2015 14:13

I think the arseholes partner should know. They're going to start a family, doesn't she have the right to know these won't be his only children? That her baby has a sibling? Better she finds out now when it's just them because something this big won't stay hidden and will come out anyway sometime, somehow. Better now than when she's married with a baby and too trapped to walk away if she wants to.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 14:16

Bojack - its ok. The way they date pregnancy would have made it sound like there was questions about dates. just stung abit thats all.

dd is still upset and now said she wanted me to message the woman. but as people have said it's a can of worms i don't want to open. nor isit my place to do so.

The anger has waned andnow I'm just so sad for dd. Her father figure was my dad rather than my dp and now hes gone so she must feel all at sea.

i want to make it right for her but i don't know how

OP posts:
StandardEEEK · 08/10/2015 14:18

I would message her - she should surely need to know this! I would want to be told (in a kind not bitchy tone).

G1veMeStrength · 08/10/2015 14:28

I'm so sorry for your DD and for you and also for the fiancé and any future children. I would message her. My ex fiancé had a similar situation and the reason we split was my disgust at him not stepping up for the child. Showed me what a selfish useless tosser he was.

Have I read correctly that your father has died? I am sorry for your loss. Would your DD think about cruse sessions as it is very hard to lose a close grandparent and would be a safe way of any other emotions coming out.

christinarossetti · 08/10/2015 14:28

You're right. You need to put your energies into supporting your dd.

Unfortunately, you can't 'make it right for her' in as much as you're not able to make her father into a functional human being.

What you can do though, is listen to her, make sure that she knows the fault lies with him and not her, and ask her if she's thought of counselling/therapy?

There's probably things that she's holding back from telling you from not wanting to hurt your feelings, but that she would really benefit from having a safe space to explore them.

InternationalEspionage · 08/10/2015 14:29

It is really sad for your dd. And you. I hope youre both ok. But whatever you decide, please don't worry about the "moral high ground" too much.....your ex has already taken the "low ground", so....

I am also angry for you both, and also for this guy's fiancee. Good luck to you.

42andcounting · 08/10/2015 14:34

A bit off topic maybe, but why is everyone assuming that he's going to be having more children at the age of 47? Not that there's anything wrong with that (am an older mum myself), but its generally not the norm. Or did I miss that bit? Hmm

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 14:34

Christina you are right. i have had lots of counselling so could possibly put her in touch. She has a new dp (although still lives with her ex Confused) so hopefully that will distract her somewhat.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 14:35

i wondered that too - but he has said as much to dd.

OP posts:
Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 14:35

I think it's a shame that your dd could possibly have blood siblings in the future and due to her parents choices they wont be able to have a relationship.