So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

[TheoriginalLEM]

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

LEM, so sorry that this has happened. Your poor DD. He absolutely is a bastard to hurt her so much.

I second the suggestion to somehow try to get hold of your DD's bio-dad's family medical history. My friend doesn't know her genetic dad, and never really cared, but now in her late 30s she is having some health issues that would be easier managed if caught sooner, and if she had known to look out for them, she would have caught them sooner.

So I'd suggest basing your decisions on this. There is one thing you'd like from him (family medical history). What can you do to increase the chances of getting that from him? Leaving aside all the big emotions.

If your DD would like to have her own children some day, this might also be relevant information for her.

not my choices excuse me please keep your judgement to yourself

I would message her.

If something went wrong in their relationship in the future, it's good to know ahead of time how your partner will react

In a way what happened all those years ago doesn't matter. What does matter is that when the shit hits the fan, he still doesn't acknowledge something as desperately important as a child and that he lied to said child.

He may feel guilty, or he may be covering his arse with the woman. But it's still despicable behaviour and the woman may be warned enough to protect herself for the future.

Also your daughter wants to. I think what she wants should be taken into consideration. Treat her wishes with respect in this matter - there are few things that touch you as deeply in life as knowing your parents.

If you can, write a neutral and unemotional letter saying that if, in future, things go wrong between them, then she has some idea of what she might encounter. Set out what happened calmly in the order the incidents occurred. Mention that the police were called for no more than feeding the baby in front of the house, and there will be a record of that even though it was many years ago now. Also that your daughter has been very deeply hurt by his actions and the untruths. Get a trusted friend to read it over it over before you send it to make sure it really is neutral.

I would focus on the people who are hurting now and the problems they have now tbh lookingglass rather than hypothetical sibling situations in the future.

It's sort of unlikely that siblings, one of who had been abandoned and one hadn't, would be able to have a jolly relationship anyway, don't you think?

Although of course it's possible he'll abandon any future children that he has too, though that's hardly a pleasant bonding experience for the children either, is it?

You sound like a great mum, OP and best wishes for you and your dd through this.

I think I would message and would go with the angle that perhaps she could persuade him to reconsider meeting DD etc etc. Maybe even write your message assuming that she already knows about your DD and you just wanted to see if she could do anything to help?

Apple that approach does sound sensible and maybe she could help but in her shoes the lies would be a deal breaker for me. I wish her no ill and funnily enough i didn't wish him ill either. we were young. bla bla. but to blatantly lie to dd and say he didn't know of her existence when that was totally untrue. maybe this is for the best. at least dd knows now.

she is still on his fb list though

Your DD's father sounds horrible!

If I were you, I would let him know that you are planning to tell his wife-to-be about your DD unless he would prefer to do so first.

op only skim read first page, I just wanted to say some people are great at bringing people together and his new wife may actually help in this situationa and feel for your dd. She may not, but she may.

I would let her know, brief outline, no emotion, dd wants to know him,he said this its not true. You want her to know not because your bitter yes your sad for your dd, but that any future dc of theirs have this half sister too and as a soon to be wife you would want to know about a previous child too.

( just thinking of film just seen with amy adams and chris waltz abouta liar who marries artist then announces previous child!)

thats it.

There is a very high chance they will go on to have children.

lem I'm not judging you - I just think it's a shame. Which I allowed to do.

I would absolutely hate finding out I had an older sister that people hid from me. And I would seek to find them. Family means a lot to me.

I would absolutely hate it if my new husband had a dd that every one hid from me and I wasn't aware of it.

There is a lot of covering up going on here for a bloke that isn't worth the steam off piss.

Everybody goes about things differently but I have a twenty year old and no way would I let her be anyone's dirty secret.

Hope things genuinely go well for your dd.

Oh Lem, your poor DD. Your opening post sent shivers down my spine, it could have been written by my own mother and is very very similar to what happened to me, but I was 30 when I was told. And my biological dad didn't tell me he didn't want to know, he just never showed up for an arranged meeting or answered my calls again.

The feeling of rejection she must be feeling, I have been through myself and had to have counselling due to it.

I decided that I deserved to be acknowledged as existing because of him, that I didn't want to be a dirty secret so I messaged my half sister via FB and I'm so glad I did as I know have a brother and sister who knew I existed but never knew my name. Turns out they were abandoned by bio dad as well. He can boil his head in a bucket of piss for all I care, it has taken me a few years to feel that way though.

So, I would think your DD should be the one to message her bio dads fiancé if anything, but with your guidance and full support.

No, no and no. That way madness lies.

His behaviour is, and was, awful, but it is probably better that your daughter does not form a relationship with him; she has tried and he has rejected her, as he did 25 years ago. She has an absolute right to know who her father is; if she wishes to pursue him, worthless though he is, it is up to her. Not good for you to be involved.

What you want to do is motivated by revenge, and I don't blame you in the least, but the consequences will be bad for all concerned. If his fiancee rejects him, do you think that will suddenly endear his daughter to him?

Cut off all contact, including Facebook; it is damaging you by resurrecting all the anger and hurt you endured when you were young. You survived him and built a life for yourself; now he has re entered your life please don't give him the power to spoil it again.

Please don't message her.

When I contacted my birth mother she did the same thing really, strung me along then was so vile to me we now have no contact at all. Her other children, my half siblings, have decided to also have no contact with me, which I feel very sad about. They wanted to be in contact with me and we're happy about me being their sister in the stringing along phase.

I feel that it is my birth mothers right to not have me in her life. It is very sad she feels that way, but part of the reason she won't see me is the guilt she feels at rejecting me as a baby. And yes, she doesn't want me elbowing my way into her life and upsetting the apple cart. She also doesn't want the secret to be out to her friends and family who didn't know she had a baby when she was 16, she thinks they will judge her for giving the baby up.

It is very complicated, and I suggest it is for this bloke too. He has woven a lie around his child, what happened when you came round with her, he probably wishes he could turn the clock back but he can't .

If his fiancee finds out she may leave him because she thinks he's a cunt. Or she could stand by him, and your daughter gets rejected again. It isn't going to mean that everyone starts playing happy families, so really, what would the point be?

I agree that if your daughter wants to contact siblings etc, that is fine. That would be out of trying to build relationships with people. But it's so hard when those people want to pretend you don't exist, as is the case with me.

I've a slightly similar situation, DD made contact, initially he was thrilled (his wife knew about her probably due to the CM he has to pay) then suddenly he stopped replying etc.

I don't know if dd was being too needy (only a teen) or whether the reality of having to admit to his extended family about his deceit made him back out. I think he was horrified that she had always known he was her bio father (rather than my husband) and I guess he couldn't play the "I didn't know card"

So dd missed out on ever having grandparents, has half siblings she'd love to get to know. It's utterly shit and my heartbreaks for her whenever I think about it.

random that is exactly how i feel. dd was very lucky to have my father as her father figure but this meant the bond with my dp never got strong enough to be father and daughter and the teenage years were fraught. especially after her grandad died.

i am going to suggest counselling to my dd. poor thing must feel so unwanted.

luckily she did have a relationship with do's parents thougjh.

I was in a similar position - when Ds was born his dad (left when I was pregnant and moved home to a different country) refused to tell anyone ds was his. None of our mutual friends, work colleagues, his new girlfriend, his parents.

I messaged him and said there was no way on Earth Ds was being a dirty little secret and it was down to other people to have a relationship with him if they wished.

I sent his parents a letter with photos, his girlfriend a letter saying that I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad and that she was included in that as his partner. I explained to both that I knew he had lied and so I was being completely transparent and up front because I had no idea what they had been told, but that they deserved to know the truth and that I hoped they would help Ds dad get his act together.

I just thought fuck it, you aren't silencing me you knobber, but I was quite controlled and open about that.

I remember when you told your Dd, I'm so sorry he has shit on her again. Id want to kill him in your shoes

I think that's a good idea, LEM.

Even if she doesn't want counselling now, it's always an option for the future.

She probably needs to work some of this through before she can make any more decisions about what to do.

I think the best insight here comes from the poster who has been through this herself as the woman who married a man who had fathered a child at 18 and kept it secret. I agree, these things will always come out in the end.

I know OP that you're motivated by anger and wanting to get back at him but I actually think this woman needs to know. Too often this kind of thing gets swept under the rug. Your dd had a right to be acknowledged as her father's daughter even if he is a dick about it, she shouldn't have to be complicit in staying invisible like a dirty secret.

I would want to know that my future dh has a child already, this is important information. You never know, if this is brought out into the open this guy may be encouraged to stop acting like a dick and try to make amends. Maybe his parents might want to know their granddaughter now? If you do decide to contact this woman, I wouldn't do it now while you're angry, wait and think about it and if you do decide to go ahead try to keep your message as neutral as possible. I'm sure many will disagree with me and I get the instinct to leave it alone but I still believe it's better for this fiance to know the truth.

It's a tough one. In a way, I think his future wife has a right to know what an arsehole he is. But then, is it your job to tell her? There's a good chance she will blame the messenger.

The other likely outcome is that she will tell your ex that she knows and that you told her. He will be absolutely furious with you and he doesn't sound to me like the sort of person you'd want to make an enemy of. There will be bad feeling and recrimination. Your DD will be caught up in it.

So hard though it is, probably best to do nothing.

I dont think it could be any worse. So id aend the message. Request dna test
For purpose of getting relevant medical history. Then tell him to go fuck himself. Then get your dd counselling.

Hey OP, your DD may have a lousy father but it sounds as though she's got a great mum. Well done for bringing her up single handed, for coping when all this has been thrown at you and at such a young age and bringing up an emotionally intelligent child. You deserve much happiness and I am sure your love will have given your DD the security she needs to brave this difficult time. I hope that you have some hugs in RL but if not, sending you some from all of us.

You're awesome as are all single parents.

Would your DD send the message if you didn't?

You said that she wants to now.

I would send a Facebook message to them BOTH, as in, the same conversation. Make it sound as though you think she knows, and you are saddened 'they' don't want a relationship with your DD etc. I think there is less chance of you being made (by him) to look like someone who is jealous all these years later/just trying to cause trouble if you do it that way...

I would want to know something about my OH that was this major. If I found something like this out I would sure as heck question whether I wanted to marry him still. It isn't like a randomer saying oh we've been sleeping together etc which can easily be disbelieved. This is huge. Who wants children with someone who has actively chosen to have nothing to do with their first child? It wouldn't make me feel as though he was a keeper.

I wouldn't as I really don't think it would make you feel any better and may destroy another persons happiness