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Original poster

So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

230 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:57

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love Hmm

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 08/10/2015 10:22

I wouldn't message her no.

You've already told DD you didn't want to know/interfere and I think you have to stick by that now.

All you can do is support DD and help her through her upset.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/10/2015 10:22

to be honest I would message him saying that you have kept out of his life for DD sake but you are disgusted he lied, tell him DD knows the truth, wish him well (with fingers crossed behind your back) then move on and both of you forget about him. he will have to live with this, when he has other kids it will come back and bite him on the bum as he will regret his actions. too late then. If you react and message her, you will feel bad later on down the line. keep a dignified silence.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:23

All of you look at your DPs and be honest.

If a random stranger (stranger to you) contacted you and told you the OP's story and your DP replied that he knew nothing about the child at the time etc., who would you believe?

Whatevva · 08/10/2015 10:23

I would message him that he proved himself to be an arse 25 years ago and has proved himself to be an arse again, somewhere she will see it too.

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:24

I don't think your bitter at all.

Why do men always get away with shit. That's what it boils down to - not wanting to rock the boat for his new wife so he can pretend he isn't a arsehole.

I would want to know if my hair stand fathered a child and refused her. It speaks volumes of the mans character

InternationalEspionage · 08/10/2015 10:24

Silly question, maybe, but does your daughter have an opinion about this?

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:24

Hair stand !!??

Husband* Grin

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:25

Sorry! I'm honestly sorry! I don't mean that you are a bitter ex OP, just that his fiancée is likely to see you as that.

Lj8893 · 08/10/2015 10:27

Yes I would have messaged her too!

Fratelli · 08/10/2015 10:29

I'd want to know if I was about to marry someone like that!

Francoitalialan · 08/10/2015 10:29

I'd go and see her with your DD. Calmly introduce yourselves, say DD is keen to have contact and then step back and watch what happens.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:30

Inthelookingglass - would you believe it though? Or would you believe your DH?

Would you really assume that your DH was lying?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 10:31

not a silly question at all. She is devastated. I asked her if i could message him and tear him a new one and i did. I also sent a friend request to the gf. Told dd that i wanted to tell the gf but she said - hes the dick not her.

so definitely not a silly question. this isn't about me. its about dd.

i think the best thing that could happen is to forget him. i doubt there would be much of an inheritance but maybe this is something i should have a conversation with dd about this when she is feeling less raw.

OP posts:
Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:32

I wouldn't take dd. I'd either do and see her or message her and let her know what an arseholr her future husband is.

Regarding dd. I'd do a lot of esteem building with her right now. That must of hurt being rejected by him again. Angry

Samiam123 · 08/10/2015 10:33

I would contact her as she absolutely has a right to know about the existence of DD. I wouldn't do it in the breezy way that you suggested in your OP though (the similarity between DD and her Dad is sooo great, isn't it?) but rather be totally honest with her.

I would write a lot of what you've written here, including the parts about how you understand his reaction at the time (being scared of his own Dad) and even now (not wanting to risk his relationship with his wife-to-be). You could stress that you realise this was bad timing for him with his upcoming marriage and that you don't want to cause any problems between them, but that DD is at a stage of her life where this is really important to her. As a "fellow woman" she may well understand where you're coming from, as long as you phrase it carefully, without spite and without a hint of wanting to cause trouble.

maybebabybee · 08/10/2015 10:35

I would tell her tbh, it's no more than he deserves and honestly you could be doing his future wife a favour. I get you don't want to hurter but - cruel to be kind and all that.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:36

I think Samiam is absolutely right. Total honesty and not wanting to cause problems is far more likely to be listened to.

shovetheholly · 08/10/2015 10:39

I also think that the fiance has a right to know. Not least because there are all kinds of financial and practical issues here. Also, your DD may change her mind now or later and want to see her father - in which case it is likely to be even more of a shock after they are married and have kids of their own.

Some things, like the existence of a child, can't really be kept 'secret' - it's not fair on anyone. They are a public person!

However, rather than charging in with an angry email, I would break the news very, very gently and kindly. (I know he's an arse and doesn't deserve the consideration, but this is not his fiance's fault and is likely to be a huge issue for her, and she deserves care).

I suspect your exP is an utter coward and just trying to preserve the status quo in blind panic. Perhaps he underestimates his future wife here. If someone approached me with a similar truth, I would actually support my DH in getting in touch and building a relationship.

shovetheholly · 08/10/2015 10:39

oops, x-post with samiam

Samiam123 · 08/10/2015 10:42

If someone approached me with a similar truth, I would actually support my DH in getting in touch and building a relationship.

Yes absolutely, shovetheholly

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 10:42

The lioness mother in me wants to tell this woman, but what would it achieve really?

It would certainly destroy any chance of a change of heart on his behalf. I told him in the messages that i sent last night that he is likely to regret this when he has children with his wife ut maybe im being niave? I cannot comprehend how he can just reject her. Yes its easier but its his child?

I just wish i never told her his details, she could have been in blissful ignorance.

I may wel take some legal advice though.

OP posts:
InternationalEspionage · 08/10/2015 10:44

Yes your ex is the dick not the gf. And your dd sounds like a lovely woman. You must be very proud of her indeed.

Rainbow: if I got a message about something which was so easy to prove (paternity testing) then I would have no choice but to take it seriously, whether I wanted to or not!

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:47

Well it will cause problems so it's disingenuous to pretend other wise and that would piss me off if I was the new wife.

I wouldn't be breezy, I wouldn't be treading on eggs shells trying not to upset them both.

I'd be straight and honest and tell her that this second rebuff and denial that he even knew she existed was a step to far. And that any future children would have a half sibling that they should be aware of.

You don't have to be crazy or spiteful - just factual at what he has done and the effect it has had on your child. I wouldn't give to shiny shits what any of them thought of you.

maybebabybee · 08/10/2015 10:48

I told him in the messages that i sent last night that he is likely to regret this when he has children with his wife ut maybe im being niave?

Sadly I very much doubt that, if anything when/if they have children it will only get worse.

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2015 10:48

Do you actually know that he hasn't told her already?

If he's about to get married, he's probably spun her a cock and bull story about 'Some mad woman' who claims to have had a baby by him.

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