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Original poster

So upset and angry for DD1. Tempted to do something not very nice

230 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 09:57

Back in February this year my grown up daughter asked me for the first time who her biological father is. I didn't really want to tell her because i knew the outcome would be as it is, but after much soul searching and being raked across the coals on here I told her, all I had was a name and we found him on facebook.

The background is that i got pregnant at 19 and didnt find out until after our relationship had ended. In fact i was 5 months pregnant when i found out (long story) and I couldn't be certain about dates as my periods have never been regular. He denied paternity mostly because he was a mummy's boy and scared of his parents i think. He was 22 at the time so not a baby! I didn't persue it but when DD arrived i took her, along with my parents to see his parents. They refused to see me and called the police (this is relevant is its something most people would remember!)

So, she contacts him and i don't know very much more about what was going on between them, i told DD i didn't really want to know/interfere.

So it transpires that he sent her message yesterday saying he didnt want a relationship with her and that he would have stepped up if he had known about her but he didn't - REALLY????? I mean, REALLY? He is due to get married and start his own family and has his future wife to think of.... all about him really, poor love Hmm

I am incandescant, DD is devastated but thankfully she believes me when i tell her that he absolutely did know about her.

So here is my dilemma - his future wife is on facebook. She clearly is ignorant to all of this. But the temptation to message her and point out the very obvious similarity between him and my DD ( they almost could be twins!) is sooo great. But he is the cunt, not her. Ive looked at pictures of her with him on facebook and she looks like a really nice person and she looks happy. I don't have the right to destroy that.

BUT

What right does he have to lie to my daughter about not even knowing she existed. When i was sat outside his parents house in the car, with my DD, just wanting to introduce her to his parents. For him to ackowledge her - but they called the police (we were causing no disturbance whatsover). They actually didn't answer - i knocked on a neigbhbours door then had to go and feed DD so did so in the car opposite - the police came at that point.

He was there, there had been conversations with his parents and my parents, where he still denied paternity (despite admitting it to his friend).

BUT

That was 25 years ago, a 22 yo boy, a bit scared of his officer daddy and not wanting to bring shame to the family bla bla. I can sort of understand him sticking his head in the sand.

I can even understand him not wanting a relationship now, but why did he string her along and why did he lie and say he would have stepped up if he knew about her????

Please someone stop me sending that message

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/10/2015 10:48

Oh Lem how awful for her and you.

I'd also want to know and I know you'd do it in a respectful manner....that said I'd leave it a few weeks and think again. It's a real tough one.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:49

International - yes, it's not the paternity that I'm thinking about though, more his version of events. After all, if his version of events were correct he's not really an arsehole. Either way should be taken seriously, I just don't think the OP's way would have the desired effect.

Only1scoop · 08/10/2015 10:49

Also agree Worra....

'Years ago a girl I was seeing' etc etc.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/10/2015 10:54

Poor DD. He couldn't be honest even now.
What a liar he is. I can't imagine how you felt when his parents called the police on you as you sat in the car with his baby.

I'm leaning towards not trying to tell the woman he's with now what a coward he's been. I would leave it to DD to choose but I am not convinced she will get anything but heartache if this is taken further.

FattyNinjaOwl · 08/10/2015 10:54

I think worra may have it bang on there.
Chances are hea spun her a tale, in which you are the crazy ex who got upduffed and tried to pin it on him.

KitZacJak · 08/10/2015 10:55

I would really want to know. I couldn't respect a man who didn't acknowledge his own child. I also would be upset to have children that didn't have a relationship with their sibling. Doesn't sound like he has told her.

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:56

fatty well a DNA test would settle that which if I was the new wife I'd insist on

KitZacJak · 08/10/2015 10:57

Have you discussed this with your daughter? As she is a grown up I think it might actually come better coming from her if she wants to pursue it. If she doesn't she can leave well alone.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybebabybee · 08/10/2015 11:00

Actually Worra kind of has a point.

But having said that, what kind of woman would not be Hmm if a bloke she was seeing told her some mad woman was claiming to be knocked up by him but that it wasn't his? If that was me I would (a) be very suspicious and (b) even if I believed him would just be like...why don't you take a paternity test in that case to make it go away?

Why would anyone want to be with or start a family with a man who rejected his child? There's no excuse, whatsoever, that I can think of which justifies that.

FattyNinjaOwl · 08/10/2015 11:04

inthelookingglass I would also insist on a dna but not every woman would. Some willingly believe everything that their partner tells them.

VimFuego101 · 08/10/2015 11:06

what a bastard. I would want to know if I were his fiancé.

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2015 11:06

That's true maybe but I find Mumsnet and real life aren't always the same.

In real life, I reckon there are lots of 'loved up' women who side with the guy they were about to marry, especially if he put emotional pressure on her.

lostInTheWash · 08/10/2015 11:11

I wouldn't be keen on anything that would encourage further contact TBH.

He's already hurt your DD.

If it was coming from your DD it would be different.

At best if wife finds out chances are she'll believe you kept his DD from him - he's going to keep to that lie not to lose face with her.

She may then want nothing to do with your DD or she may influenced DD father to facilitate contact which would not be for DD benefit but for his so his new wife doesn't lose faith in him.

You've then got someone in DD life with no issue hurting, lying and abandoning her and almost certainly spitting poison at you someone who has always been there for her.

Even when people know their DP has a previous child - doesn't mean they accept them.

Seen that in my family - got worse when their new child came along - lots of petty things against existing child. When the guy once again turn out to be a serial cheater with no problem walking out and once again tried to pay nothing towards either child - the original child lost contact with a sibling as well.

swimmerforlife · 08/10/2015 11:12

Honestly what is it going to achieve? I would bet a fiver that he has told that rubbish story about a women years ago got pregnant and said the child was his to make a few quid, the fiancee would probably fell for it hook, line and sinker. Unless you want to go down the paternity route which means you should take it seriously, not a smug message on Facebook etc making it look like you want to cause trouble then I'd leave it.

I really think it's your daughter's decision to make.

TeamBacon · 08/10/2015 11:13

Yes, do you know that he hasn't told her.

Also in a similar situation. DP had a child when he was a teen. Child is now an adult, he says he didn't reject the child, but that his ex had met someone else and didn't want him involved. He says he did the best thing for his child. But then he was 17, so it's a bit different.

I have no reason to doubt his version of events. But... his own mother doesn't even know. He refuses to talk about her, and gets incredibly defensive if I ever bring it up.

Hmm..

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/10/2015 11:14

I'm sorry he has proved himself to be weak and selfish yet again. But I don't think there is anything to be gained from messaging his fiancee. For one, I'd expect she already knows.

He's someone who blames other people for his weaknesses so when you were pregnant, it was his parents' fault that he didn't step up. Now, it's because he's starting a new life with a new wife.

From the fiancee's pov (if he hasn't told her) then she might think you've deliberately and maliciously timed the revelation. Years went by with no contact, now he's about to get married and suddenly you're back in touch.

It has the potential to be messy, fraught and upsetting.

You've acted with dignity throughout. By all means contact a lawyer about maintenance but leave facebook and the fiancee alone.(I'd delete the friend request if I was you).

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 08/10/2015 11:16

Did you actually get paternity tests done? Because you say in your OP you weren't clear on dates etc...there is always the chance that he really doesn't believe that it was anything to do with him at all.

Probably he's just a cunt, but you don't actually know. His parents seem fairly extreme types, they might have convinced him it was someone elses kid. The fact that you never pursued any child support would also lend weight to that thinking.

Solasum · 08/10/2015 11:20

Rainbow so your partner just decided to walk away from a child he had freely created, presumably never paid a penny in support, and you think that is ok? What makes you think he will not do the same to your kids? They will have exactly the same relationship to him as the child he abandoned.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 11:25

Should add that he has had children since then and his relationship with them is fine.

Solasum · 08/10/2015 11:29

Rainbow, the fact is though, the mother did not have any right to ban him from seeing the child. At the very least he could have started contributing financially once he was working, or have put some money aside for the child later on. 14 is still a child himself, but in my mind that doesn't mean that they can relinquish all responsibility for life.

totalrecall1 · 08/10/2015 11:32

I wouldn't personally do it, as you don't want him to take it out on your daughter. I would however get a friend to do it, and then deny any involvement (with the approval of your friend of course)

RainbowFlutterby · 08/10/2015 11:34

It's possible that if someone had told him all that things may have turned out differently, but no-one told him anything. Hell - it was the headmaster who told him about the pregnancy and birth.

And as much as I love my DP, at 14 he really didn't have the ability to find things out for himself.

aprilanne · 08/10/2015 11:35

i feel sorry for you and your daughter .but messaging his future wife is just petty and a bit nasty .its nothing to do with her .yes he is dreadful but you will only bring yourself and your child to his level .she has,nt needed him all her life she has had you so just rise above it .doing otherwise may make you feel better for 5 minutes but thats all .

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