Woman on bus being very unhelpful (maybe sensitive) (thread title amended by MNHQ}

[DirtyMugPolice]

I'm 7 months pregnant and look it - a lady on the bus moved her shopping trolley thing for me so I could sit down. Lovely. She then proceeded to tell me about her grandson who died while being born as he was grabbed in the wrong place with forceps. My eyes welled up and then she got off the bus.

What. The. Fuck. Why would you tell a pregnant woman a story about a dead baby?!

I would be upset too at her incredibly callous social awkwardness that says that's an ok thing to say.

Try to put it out of your head, that sort of thing is INCREDIBLY rare (and she may have been lying for attention anyway).

I would be upset.
But I wouldn't be annoyed. She sounds like she is struggling to deal with it and needed to get it out.
Inappropriate to tell you, but I understand it.

I take buses regularly. I try to be kind to people who seem lonely and desperate to talk, often I will be the only person someone speaks to all day. I find it desperately sad.

Although equally she could just have been a tosser

If you're struggling to deal, you can tell a total stranger on the bus (if you must). But one who is visibly pregnant? That's just shitty.

I had a nurse today started randomly telling me about her escaping a DV relationship (I was there for an ante-natal checkup). Inside I was a bit like "OK ....?" but told her well done on getting out, etc etc. The things people confide in total strangers about baffles me.

YANBU

It's amazing how many women like to gleefully regale you with horror stories of their own pregnancy and birth complications as soon as they clock you're pregnant.

Similarly all the smug 'you've no idea how much your life is going to change' comments when your having your first.

What is the matter with people?

I agree re definite. You found it hard for a certain period of time, she has to live with the loss of her grandson. Loss of a baby/child changes you and is all consuming. I deliberately would not tell a pregnant person for obvious reasons. In fact, I find pregnancy tricky anyway, even now.

I take offence at the possible 'lying for attention' that ten mentions. Seriously, is that simply because she mentioned that her grandson had died? I agree that it was inappropriate (although I understand why she did it) but seriously, does that mean that all of us who have lost a child are attention seeking? I speak as someone whose DD1 died shortly after birth.

I had a friend ask me before what would I do if my unborn baby died
Some people are just devoid of any emotional intelligence.

Hope you're okay

I take offence at the possible 'lying for attention' that ten mentions.

The stuff that people "take offense" to on here also baffles me, because people will take a perfectly acceptable statement to the Nth degree and then go "you've offended me".

Nowhere did I say (or even insinuate) that someone who has lost a child is attention-seeking. Please don't make such ridiculous statements. Someone thinking that it's perfectly acceptable to say such a thing to a pregnant woman is, I sincerely hope, lying for attention - otherwise, how messed up would you have to be to think that's an ok thing to say?

Oh God. Poor you! She was being incredibly thoughtless.

It's part and parcel of being a parent to worry - about everything. (And I'm not going to list things here!). But you have to put it to the back of your mind and carry on. Everything will be just fine for you. X

I feel terribly sorry for anyone that has lost a child, obviously. And I am sypathetic, obviously, but it's very hard to think about babies dying when I'm 10 weeks away from delivering my own baby. I am ok, thank you :)

That 'dead baby' was her grandchild.

I appreciate that you were ups

Upset but the way you wrote that is horrible.

Was she old? Old people tend to have no filter I think by today's standards. I find earphones and loud music works for not having to have social interaction

YANBU OP.

When my mum died in very traumatic circumstances, several people told me ridiculously awful and inappropriate tales of suffering and death. I really didn't need anything to make me feel worse! I think some people just want to say something, anything really, and they don't think it through first. Or they just have no awareness whatsoever. Idiots.

Try to let it upset you.

Don't you think it's horrible to talk to a pregnant woman about dead babies?

People love to tell their awful birth stories to pregnant women, especially first time mums. I found DS's birth to be a brilliant experience and always tell my pregnant friends that. I heard very few positive stories about childbirth when I was pregnant and it really scared me!

This is a bit different tho. Agree it was inappropriate of the lady on the bus, and I would have been upset if I was OP too. But people react strangely to traumatic events, even years later. Poor woman.

After my miscarriage, I once found myself telling someone pregnant all about it. I hadn't wanted to, in that case she'd gone on and on about her pregnancy to me despite my trying to get away and shut down the conversation which really was affecting me. When she started on about me and OH 'lagging behind' it just got too much and I blurted it out. Sometimes if something really really grieves you and something then triggers you, it does just come out- you don't intend it too, it's horrifying and you hate yourself more after but it happens.

She was being very unreasonable though to put that on you, it is not your burden to bear nor what you needed or should have heard.

I would feel sympathy and upset equally at her if it had been obvious she'd been overwrought.

However, some people really are ghouls and delight in saying things that are very upsetting for the shock and stupidity factor.

I don't know why, but since getting pregnant, everyone thinks I want to know their pregnancy and birth horror stories. Also how shit my life will be with a kid. This from the same bell ends who were always telling me how shit my life would be without one.

I have no patience for this bollocks and poor impulse control so it rarely happens more than once.

It wasn't the greatest gambit but are you still upset?

She was very insensitive to mention such a traumatic story to a very visible pregnant woman. Some people really do not engage their brains before they speak.

I was terrified of this very thing in my pregnancy. I never forgot a similar story that my dad's ex told me. It was in my birth plan that I wanted to avoid forceps etc etc. Labour progresses, DS distressed, forceps needed. I remember groaning at the thought but the doctor was pretty abrupt with me about it. DS was fine.

These things are very rare.

sproket 60 ish I'd guess.

I replied 'oh dear sorry to hear that' but wasn't sure what else to say..I'm not heartless.

limited I'm ok now - did have a little weep when I got home and told my DH. I'm hormonal as it is!

Sorry what, you're upset?
what a terribly sad thing to happen to her grandchild - just get over yourself 17 babies are stillborn a day in the UK and why should they never be spoken about? Our society is so closed and treats it as such a taboo. Grandparents are often excluded from support, so are parents often- but she was clearly affected and he did exist. Poor baby, but you can't catch bereavement you know. It may be the only excuse she has to ever mention her grandchild, when she sees a pregnant person or someone asks her about children. There are good support services she might benefit from, but in the interim, please just shrug it off and treat it as a privilege she told you. A human encounter.

My DH cousin did this to me the week I was due!! Told me all about colleague who'd gone in for c section only to be told before that the baby was already dead! Thanks just what I needed to hear! I feel ur upset! Try to put it out of ur mind and ignore!

I will leave this thread but ten, you did offend me. I hope that you have more compassion should you ever talk to someone who has lost a child in real life. Oddly enough, I am rather sensitive about my daughter's death, it is life changing. A little understanding and kindness goes a long way.

I am sorry for the derail op.

I'm sorry purplepandas and anyone else that has been upset by this. It wasn't my intention honestly