Woman on bus being very unhelpful (maybe sensitive) (thread title amended by MNHQ}

[DirtyMugPolice]

I'm 7 months pregnant and look it - a lady on the bus moved her shopping trolley thing for me so I could sit down. Lovely. She then proceeded to tell me about her grandson who died while being born as he was grabbed in the wrong place with forceps. My eyes welled up and then she got off the bus.

What. The. Fuck. Why would you tell a pregnant woman a story about a dead baby?!

Maybe it got lost under the vitriol

Ten, either you made a point and everybody else missed it.

Or the reaction to your post tells you everything you need to know.

I suspect you already know the reality of what just happened but you prefer to cast yourself as misunderstood. That's not what you are at all.

Nobody missed anything in that post Ten, you made your feelings about bereaved parents sharing their experiences very, very clear.

Most if not all of the bereaved parents and grandparents on this thread have said that they do try to be thoughtful to other people's feelings when they talk about the child they lost.

You seem to have missed that though, possibly because thinking of other people's feelings isn't something you did in your rant.

I agree that not all bereaved parents are ticking time bombs just waiting to upset pregnant women with their stories of loss. But as I said before, this lady on the bus got it wrong, probably because she was coming from a place where she is speaking with both grief and love for her grandson. That doesn't make her stupid or cruel, or a ticking time bomb, or a person who things her grief trumps everything else.

And it doesn't make the rest of us like that either.

But yes, poor you, that hate-filled rant you posted attacking her and everyone here was misunderstood. You really meant to say something nice about kittens and unicorns and we've just taken it the wrong way.

The crux of it is surely that you don't share such intensely personal feelings randomly? The woman was wrong to do it; she made several assumptions and did not think or show much empathy to the OP. For all she knew, the OP might have been struggling with the pg or had health issues or possibly even had a history that meant she didn't want to share. It's very presumptuous

Hear hear hygge

SuckingEggs sometimes you don't intend to do so, no, but sometimes you do end up doing it-yes. Sometimes you may not feel overwhelmed an blurt out, other times it's more difficult too, sometimes people find themselves just reacting and speaking without even intending to.

The key is in the word intense. When something is intense, like grief, there are many different reactions and thoughts a person can have. Some people switch off and isolate, others are overwhelmed, some walk a fine line, some grieve privately but cannot or will not in public, some people have total different or unique reactions. Grief is intense in itself. I admit on one occasion I was overwhelmed, I didn't intend to say anything but found myself doing so anyway. On another occasion, grieving someone else I was numb for a while then just got annoyed with those tiptoeing around me, I didn't want tactility I wanted to be treated normally or left alone.

The same can go for emotions too- who hasn't said or had something cruel said to/by someone in fury and anger? Some of the cruelist things I've heard were said in a rage. Deesn't make me feel better that the person was guilt-struck and so upset afterwards. Doesn't make my reaction to it wrong. But it doesn't mean that they meant to say those words, they'd been bottling them in a while in their case.

OP posts a thread with a pretty awful title, considering the subject matter.

OP called on this by quite a few posters.

Many posters upset.

OP say: I'm sorry...anyone else that has been upset by this. It wasn't my intention honestly.

and

I'm sorry - truly I am..I wish I had phrased my OP better.

and

"I've apologised for any upset I've caused - that was never my intention. If I could edit my OP I would. I'm genuinely sorry to anyone that I've upset.

so then

OP asks MNHQ to delet the thread as she feels bad for upsetting people.

MNHQ do not delete the thread, although they amend the title.

Thread remains with more and more people getting upset.

The amount of ironies here is staggering!

The lady on the bus probably bloody well got off because she realised she shouldn't have said what she did. She probably wishes she could have edited what she said, but she can't.

OP doesn't think of this and rants on here, being, believe it or not, extremely insensitive herself. She then wishes she had been more careful about what she wrote, and leaves the bus thread.

She asks MNHQ to make it all go away. They don't. Although they were quite quick to delete a thread recently when an established MNetter made a tit of herself.

And now more and more upset.

MN is getting a bit shit really. I never thought I would say that.

Anyone who is pregnant must be aware that complications can arise. If being in public and hearing someone voice that complications arose in a birth within her family upsets the OP so much that she 'weeps' and has to start a thread on a forum to be consoled, then she really is not equipped to live in the real (and often painful, difficult and imperfect) world and perhaps should stay indoors for her own emotional wellbeing until her baby is born. This is sarcasm in case anyone misunderstands.

I agree that it is not an ideal thing for the lady to have said to OP, but what an incredible over-reaction to be so very upset by it. I say this as a mother of two children; I have experienced similar things myself and, due to common sense and inner reserves (which we all have or we wouldn't survive) I managed to cope. If we are so weak we can't deal with a situation like this without resorting to calling the old lady 'vile', etc. then God help us is all I can say.

I, too, have lost a child, although he was an adult when he died and I find Tenforwards rant above absolutely despicable. So, not only do we have to endure the lifelong loss of our beloved children and all the unhappiness and misery that entails, but we have to pussyfoot around your delicate sensibilities as well? I think not!

To all the bereaved parents on here - I am so sorry for all your losses.

ten I found your hate-filled diatribe a despicable post.

I agree with every word Balloon. In the heat of the moment, OP used emotive words which she later apologised for. We should not berate her for it. Equally, the woman on the bus may have blurted it out in emotion. She may well have wished she could apologise and delete the whole experience.

I doubt that anyone on here can honestly say they've never blurted something out and regretted it. No, it might not be on that level but we've all done it. Can it be excused? Not always but it can be explained.

This thread needs to go. It's a highly emotive and distressing topic. OP clearly meant no harm but people are getting distressed as they have personal experience. This adds nothing but further ill feeling. I think HQ have made the wrong call but letting this stay.

OP, if you're reading, I hope you are ok.

It's not so much the OP and her words anymore.

She's accepted the explanations as to why her choice of words wasn't the best and she's apologised for what she wrote, and people have accepted her apology and wished her well.

I feel it was important for people to explain why the words she used weren't good, and also explain why some people who are grieving feel the need to share the experience, and why they sometimes get that need to share a a little bit wrong. People explaining that were, mostly if not entirely, also able to empathise with the OP about the conversation which upset her.

For me at least, it's not the topic of loss which is now the problem, it's posters like ten who are ranting and swearing at the bereaved parents on this thread, or as she calls us "the fucking ridiculous pedants" because we have shared our experiences and our thoughts on why this woman might have spoken to the OP.

On the whole, we have been far more sympathetic and polite to the OP than ten has been to us.

And I don't think the thread should be deleted as it stands at the moment, because other than the posts ten has made I don't think anyone has really said anything too terrible or too upsetting, and the insights into when and how people might want to talk or listen and when they might not may be helpful.

Goodness me. I am a bereaved mother too. The op was badly written and very insensitive but as far as I can see the op has apologised several times.
I have never and would never tell a pg woman about my experience as I don't think its fair.
However I have at times been jealous of, intensely disliked, had no patience for pg women and wanted to burst their bubble with a reality check. I knew this was wrong and irrational and my own grief so never would. I am not for one minute suggesting this is what happened but I truly believe people showed show a bit of sensitivity and not blurt out horror stories to someone who is likely to be full of fear and uncertainty anyway.
People don't and never will understand the pain and their are some vile posts on here. Please ignore them. I often found too that older people were the often the worse for thoughtless insensitive comments. My mum n mil came out with some terrible ones. I used to put it down to how things were dealt with back then. My own dm had suffered a stillbirth but wasn't really allowed/encouraged to talk about it and really expected me to be the same and just get on with things.
Maybe the thread should be deleted as its churned up a lot of emotion for me.