Woman on bus being very unhelpful (maybe sensitive) (thread title amended by MNHQ}

[DirtyMugPolice]

I'm 7 months pregnant and look it - a lady on the bus moved her shopping trolley thing for me so I could sit down. Lovely. She then proceeded to tell me about her grandson who died while being born as he was grabbed in the wrong place with forceps. My eyes welled up and then she got off the bus.

What. The. Fuck. Why would you tell a pregnant woman a story about a dead baby?!

leghoul seriously, you think it's ever ok to tell a stranger who's pregnant that a baby died just before, or during, or just after birth? Don't you think that's already their worst nightmare, and depending on their history, a very present fear?

I'm menopausal, no kids, ready to hear harrowing stories about perinatal deaths - after it happened to a close friend I will never be more upset than when that happened. So talk to me: not pregnant.

Leaving likely vulnerable people alone is just fucking manners.

Dixie, that's your perspective. You Don't get to decide how other bereaved parents should act. I really think calling other posters arseholes because they think differently to you is completely out of order. I try to be sensitive to others but like I previously said I will not hide my sons existence either and I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to especially as I have just had the anniversary and some people who should know better have not even acknowledged it.

we need to talk about death and dying, and although each and every one of us, I think, will have to do it someday, nobody talks about it - no completely unprovoked, out of the blue, not asked, etc, it wasn't the best thing to share- but sharing about her grandson would have been fine surely? it's the most isolating loss that can be experienced - how very sad that was the story. I just think the attitudes on here are shocking, cotton wool wrapped and really lacking humanity. You can choose to be upset - stop choosing to make this about you.

My pregnancy, labour and delivery stories are not anything I would share with an expecting mum.

My experience was very, very unusual. The likelihood of anyone I encounter experiencing anything similar is infinitely small. Why scare someone for catharsis?

Nah, I save those stores for 2-3 glasses of wine in with close friends when we are trying to out "you-have-got-to-be-shitting-me" each other.

I'm more on the side of Leghoul, for all the reasons she puts.

And I think more sensitive language around bereavement would be kinder.

Bloody hell, how can people think that that's actually an OK thing to say to a pregnant woman?

Why would you?

So next time your child has chickenpox, is it OK for me to tell you all about a friends dc who recently died of it?

If you've just packed your 6 year old off on a school trip, shall I immediately mention the horrific school bus crash that happened a couple of weeks back when loads of 6 year olds died?

The lady at work who's just announced her pregnancy of 7 weeks with her first...shall I tell her congratulations, I remember my first pregnancy when I miscarried at 9 weeks and all the shit that came with it?

After all, it's just relevant conversation, right? No. It's just insensitive and mean.

Maybe she was saying that in the hope you would refuse forceps and not suffer the same happening to your child.

TBH if someone close to me had lost a child through mis-handled forceps I would assume they were massively dangerous and I might well be broadcasting it left right and centre - but ONLY in the hope that it might make people refuse to have them and save a life, NOT to upset and ruin someone else's pregnancy.

I agree with those who are pointing out that the old lady has been through a trauma and is dealing with it by talking about it. When I was waiting for my 20 week scan a woman who lives in the next street came into the waiting room and proceeded to tell me about her second child who was born very prematurely and died.
In response to Sheba and Eponas I did not think she was vile or an Insensitive prick and she wasn't telling me a 'nasty birth story'. It wasn't a story. It was her child who died, and she was a grieving mother and the pain and loss was still evident in her voice as she spoke. I am glad she felt able to say what happened to someone else. It hope it helped her.

I don't think anyone should be obstructed from talking about their child/grandchild. If they died that's a tragedy, and talking about them can be really important. But it's not about what she said/how much detail she included, whether others would or not - this is about your reaction. You didnt need to make this about you, or make it such a spectacle, using such offensive language. I feel that old lady is leaps and bounds ahead of most sheltered society and we should all be comfortable enough and human enough to say, Im so sorry, and even ask her his name, then get on with your day and your healthy pregnancy afterwards. If she raised an issue perhaps not aware of before - then good, people should be aware in general- perinatal death is unfortunately not uncommon.

I just don't understand your pov at all leghoul.

So if someone at a bus stop asked for a seat and mentioned it was because they were tired because they'd had chemo...would you then think it was appropriate to mention your close friend/relative who'd died of cancer.

You don't think that would be just a lot bit insensitive and inappropriate?

I had a similar incident happen to me when I was pg with my Ds1. YANBU to be upset.

But I now also see it from the other side. My DS2 was stillborn and for several months after every time I saw a pregnant woman I'd feel desperate to go to her and tell her to never ever worry about going for a checkup at the slightest worry, to not let worry that the doctors and midwives would be annoyed at her, to just tell her that it was okay to go back and back again if it meant keeping her baby safe.

I never did as I knew I'd upset and stress out these poor women. I just wished someone had said similar to me and maybe my Ds2 would be here, so I wanted to pass on the advice iykwim.

I feel so sad for that woman, she really shouldnt have shared the story but I can see how it just comes burbling out.

Hope you feel a bit better soon, OP.

Ooof, I understand she may need to talk about it but I think it's terrible to tell a pregnant woman such a horrible story! At least talk about it to someone who's not going to deliver relatively imminently!

If I may, one from the opposite end of the spectrum? My DH was MIL's first and she was an average size lady but he was terrible big, like 11lb 2 oz big. This being in 1975, as soon as she showed signs of getting tired out, the doctor went for the forceps and out DH came in perfect shape, and she happily had three more after him. Point being, for every pregnant woman who has a horrorshow delivery (that their mother insists on telling other soon-to-be-mums about), I bet a lot more have had deliveries that have gone just fine, that you'll never hear of. Chin up - medical care now is great and you and your little one will be in excellent hands!

I was made to cry by a stranger - and I started the thread as I was upset and baffled by why she would tell me about something that would most likely cause offence. If someone starts a thread on MN about anything that happened to them aren't they making that all about them too?

Stop being so rude. I've apologised for any upset I've caused - that was never my intention. If I could edit my OP I would. I'm genuinely sorry to anyone that I've upset.

For those saying why would you - this is why.

Because when you have a baby who does not survive (or is that 'talking shit'?) no one meets them apart from you. You have barely any photos or trinkets or memories. So they survive by mentioning them. People forget about them because they never met them but you can't so you sometimes mention them to keep them 'alive.'

Of course saying so to a pregnant woman is stupid.

But how about this? Lady sees visibly pregnant woman and it brings back memories and she starts talking and forgets she should stop.

'Talk shit

Why would hearing about a child who died cause you offence? I don't understand. How can you be offended by a baby and the story of its life? Upset, sure. Sad and worried, totally understandable but offence?

I think its vitally important that stillbirth and neonatal death is spoken about. 17 babies die each day in the UK. Arm a pregnant woman with accurate, up to date information and you might just prevent her experiencing that tragedy.

OP you don't need to keep apologising, you've done nothing wrong. Maybe you could have worded your OP differently but you were shocked and upset.

Do you think this woman was just grief stricken or do you think she was just being a pill?

Sometimes things just come out when grief stricken, it's shit and horrible for both people. That doesn't mean that you should apologise or feel shit, you've had plenty of that already. If she was grief stricken, she's probably feeling really bad and upset for upsetting you.

Oh for heaven's sake, when you are pregnant it is about you if someone tells you how their grandchild died during birth. How are you supposed to react? Rationally, oh that's sad; but normally, oh my god is that something I need to add to my list of fears?

I'm all for being honest and all that, but not for upsetting people unnecessarily. And the grandmother in this case had forgotten herself.

Hope you're feeling ok, OP.

Sorry - again. Worded badly I meant 'upset' and pressed submit before I could delete it.

So you were upset and worded something badly.

That's ok.

We've all done it.

Maybe the lady on the bus did too.

Pregnancy loss week and infant loss tribute day is coming up next month. It's worth remembering the date for anyone who does want to.

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/marking-your-loss/babyloss-awareness-week/

You've heard a sad story, She has lost a grandchild.

Yes it was a not the best thing to talk about but I don't think she meant to beinsensitive. However we're all adults here so a bit of honesty won't go s miss. I do feel that you have been a tad insensitive referring to a women talking about the death of her grandson as talking ",shit".

I think it was upsetting and insensitive. A horrible experience for you.

But I really can't think that this woman meant to upset you and I really object to the idea that she was attention seeking in any way.

Your pregnant belly which she cared about (as she gave up her seat) may have triggered this memory for her. A pregnant woman just like her own daughter (or DIL) who sadly lost her child. She may have just been speaking out loud. As many posters here have said; speaking of a dead baby within a family is often taboo or holds the fear that talking about the grief makes it worse or is somehow taking attention away from the bereaved parents whose pain will always be so much worse. I know that if I lost a child at birth, my Mum would hide her loss in trying to support me.

So it was a distressing situation for you and she shouldn't have put you in that situation. But I can't think she was selfish or attention seeking.

Wrong?. Yes. An awful person?. I don't think so.

And pregnancy is a particularly emotive and hormonal time but you will never, not ever for all the years forward from now not be utterly panicked and heartbroken by the idea that your child could ever be taken from you.

A random person on the bus talking about losing a child is distressing and upsetting. This feeling will never change because you imagine for a small second just how painful and life - altering that is.

And the odds are you will never experience that nor will your family and friends. But people do experience the terrible loss of their children dying every day. The numbers are small but still occur.

And the fact that no-one unless they've been through it; can really imagine how destroying that would be and not ever want to imagine it would happen to them is what leads bereaved parents to feel so isolated and abandoned. They don't want to remind other people of how life can change in a second.

I'm sorry - genuinely. I've asked MN to delete the thread so hopefully they will.