Woman on bus being very unhelpful (maybe sensitive) (thread title amended by MNHQ}

[DirtyMugPolice]

I'm 7 months pregnant and look it - a lady on the bus moved her shopping trolley thing for me so I could sit down. Lovely. She then proceeded to tell me about her grandson who died while being born as he was grabbed in the wrong place with forceps. My eyes welled up and then she got off the bus.

What. The. Fuck. Why would you tell a pregnant woman a story about a dead baby?!

My mother told me how her friend's baby was stillborn at 8.5m (not someone I'd ever met). I was 8.5m and ill, just going for a lie down when she said that. I was fucking speechless. And deeply hurt

Of course I felt for the friend, but she said it because - well, I have no idea. People are so weird.

Look the women was an idiot to say what she did to you and if she needs counselling services etc she needs to go get them professionally and not talk to random pregnant women on the bus.

That said, I don't think she meant any harm and it must have just all came out without thinking. She may have just tried to warn you about the consequences of forceps.

Hmm, not too keen on the title edit, though of course it is miles better than what was there before. The woman wasn't 'helpful' to the OP. But who was 'helpful' to her in her actual loss and grief?

I tend towards leghoul's side of this (and I think the person who called her an asshole owes her a contrite apology). I can echo brummiegirl's observation that people do not want to hear about multiple losses, though I can't recall having talked about mine to anyone pregnant (who hadn't been there themselves and didn't know the full story). And I'm on the other side of this now, currently overdue, so could give birth any day. I like to think that if that woman had spoken to me I would have sympathised, perhaps asked her grandson's name, and not put my own need not to hear it first. I do agree that a pregnant woman was a bad choice of addressee for this particular story, but some of the vitriol here has astonished me. It seems like a particularly aggressive form of defence against the fact that these things do sometimes happen.

OP, I wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. These things do, sadly, happen, but they are very, very rare. You are overwhelmingly likely never to know the pain that this woman's dd or dil went through. I say this as someone who has had two essentially complication-free instrumental births.

I'm not very comfortable with the comments about her being an idiot or not being able to stop herself - she sounds like she didn't really say very much for very long at all, to me. I would not have done it myself, but if someone asks, I probably would answer. Bereaved parents/grandparents are not idiots and mentioning your child doesn't make you deranged. There are clearly a lot of navel gazing people out there who feel delicate and precious about their own horizons. Most people are lucky they will never encounter this as something that breaks that bubble. But some are not, and their bereavement is not solved by counselling, but is a lifelong process of readjustment to a completely stopped and re-envisioned existence, a daily mountain when it can feel too painful to exist another moment. I'd vote less of the well she's bereaved so she's crackers, and more of the what a terrible thing, we don't know the details - she didn't mean it with malice or to upset anyone and let's be aware it can be very difficult for bereaved parents to talk about their children.

& as said upthread, she may have mentioned it to raise your awareness & give his life meaning, hoping to prevent another tragic incident of 'stuff that happens to other people', or may have just briefly explained why he's not here now. However we cannot second guess.
I agree with above it would be vanishingly, vanishingly rare in that context.

very best to all

Yanbu.

That isn't something anybody with normal social skills would tell an obviously pregnant woman unprompted.

leghoul When I said she couldn't stop herself I meant that maybe she had brought the subject up and was trying to explain it, not that she was going on and on about it.
I agree with you that it would not have been done with malice and she most likely had the best intentions

The woman is not an idiot or crazy and doesn't need to close a door on conversation with others and only use counselling.

Also amazed at the vitriol and lack of compassion.

It may be momentarily upsetting but it will pass.

The title edit doesn't improve things much either. She wasn't very unhelpful.

Sheba I never said I was talking to pregnant strangers. These sadly were friends / colleagues - I was off work for nearly 2 months - what was I supposed to do? Lie and hide my grief?

I'm thankfully pregnant now and all ok for moment but I know how frightened I am but I hope I never make anyone feel like I was made to despite knowing it only comes from fear and not malicious intent

She might have been grieving, but in my experience, there is a certain type of person who likes nothing better than to tell 'juicy stories' to all and sundry.

My in laws told me several such stories during my pregnancies -stories that kept me awake and in tears at night. Years later, I still remember their glee, dressed up as advice and concern

My youngest son was still born so by some posters standards, should be so out of my mind with grief that I am blurting that fact out in front of random pregnant strangers

That doesn't happen because I am a person with a smidgeon of good sense, compassion and the ability to see how what I say might affect another person. Like most people are.

There was a thread on here recently where a bereaved mother posted the story of her DD who had died because she was breech and they had tried to turn her. It was posted as a warning so that people knew that this practice, which isn't normally dangerous, can actually have fatal consequences.

Did people pile into the OP, telling her she shouldn't have told her story on a site where pregnant women could see it, and how insensitive she was?

No of course not. It was taken as her sharing her story in the hopes that others could see that, despite what the hospital tells you, there ARE risks attached to certain common obstetric procedures, and would therefore be able to make a more informed choice when it came to their own baby. Which is clearly what it was.

I really can't see much difference between that and this.

(My MIL had a stillborn baby and would talk about him when I was pregnant. She was anxious in case the same happened to me, and would tell me the things she feared that might have caused it. She certainly wasn't trying to upset me or being thoughtless.)

Hmmm yanbu but unfortunately death is a part of life and some people don't know when or where it is appropriate to talk about these things...

I was in my drs surgery (about 4 days ago) and an old lady saw me (38+ weeks pregnant at that point) honed in and sat right next to me. She then proceeded to say that she had had 7 children and that only 5 survived. And that her longest labour was of twins, one survived and one was stillborn. I tell her that I'm sorry for her losses and get called into my midwife appointment. Now, I have had a stillbirth of twins and as much as I'm comfortable talking about it on mn and with people who know me IRL I would never just be able to blurt it out. People are just different I suppose.

I'm sure this experience was too painful to be a juicy story. Poor family.

She was talking about the death of her grandchild - that's not a "juicy story".
There's some really horrible comments on this thread, some posters showing far less empathy than the woman on the bus

I wasn't offended by your title OP. But on mumsnet someone always gets offended, then other people love drama and join the bandwagon. Sorry you've had this bad experience of mumsnet on speed.
You've apologised and now changed the title, so it's all sorted now.
I thought the old woman was insensitive and selfish. However, she obviously needed to say what she needed to say.. But at your expense.
I was pregnant with my first, went to see a friend I hadn't seen for a while and she pretty much talked the entire time about her miscarriage and her friends miscarriage. Not one positive story. I remember disappearing upstairs to the bathroom and crying as it was just too much. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I came downstairs, she continued to speak about negative birth stories and I made my excuses. Haven't seen her since. Not just because of the negativity but other factors too.
My point is, some people go through some really bad shit and they need to talk about it, randomly sometimes. Grief is a crazy thing. I lost both my parents when I was young.. There are times I have to talk about it and my timing isn't always good.
That old lady's timing was shit, truly shit. I hope she got home and kicked herself for burdening you, a stranger, with her awful experience.
Hide this thread.. Put the negativity on here behind you (I've had a nasty experience on here too a while back when I was pregnant.) and enjoy your weekend lovely. Xx

I know what a horrible way to look at it

It was her grandchild.

Yanbu OP. She was thoughtless and it must have been very upsetting for you. I'm pregnant and I think a lot of people on this thread seem to have forgotten what a vulnerable time it is.

Stress in pregnancy and labour can actually be harmful to mums and babies. It was not ok for her to potentially harm you because she needed to share her grief. She could have picked anyone else in the world to talk to about this.

Take care of yourself. These sorts of incident are very rare and you and baby will both be fine. Good luck!

Also, she was being rude and if this happens again it's ok to shut this down. Last time I was pregnant I told a few people with negative stories "I'm sorry, I just can't hear this right now", looked at my tummy, smiled regretfully and moved away. On this occasion I'd have added an "I'm so sorry for your loss".

party do you not think your friend could have been grieving for the baby she lost when she miscarried (brought back by your pregnancy) and in your words "had to talk about it even though the timing wasn't good". These things occasionally just sneak up on you and while it obviously isn't good to make people upset sometimes you can't help it?

I've mainly kept my feelings under wraps but I'd hope my friends would be understanding if the lid accidentally came off.

Partybugs

I am not offended for the same of it. I'm not even offended - taken aback maybe.

The original title said 'woman on bus talking shit' then went on to say the 'shit' the woman was 'talking' was about a baby who died.

How can that not be offensive?