Woman on bus being very unhelpful (maybe sensitive) (thread title amended by MNHQ}

[DirtyMugPolice]

I'm 7 months pregnant and look it - a lady on the bus moved her shopping trolley thing for me so I could sit down. Lovely. She then proceeded to tell me about her grandson who died while being born as he was grabbed in the wrong place with forceps. My eyes welled up and then she got off the bus.

What. The. Fuck. Why would you tell a pregnant woman a story about a dead baby?!

Telling nasty birth stories to a pregnant woman isn't bravely smashing societal taboos, it's being a selfish insensitive prick with no consideration or social awareness. Nobody is saying we should not discuss stillborns, but forcing such a discussion on an expectant woman is vile.

Just thought that needed repeating. Exactly that.

I'm so sorry she told you this. I had two things very similar happen to me while pregnant with dd1 which really upset me. The only
Conclusion I could come to was that these events which people felt the need to share with me were so incredibly rare that in a bizarre kind of way they were trying to assure me I'd be fine and it was about them processing their emotions.

When I was pregnant my mil told me how her neice died in her cot choking on a hairpin her mum had dropped in by accident.........she couldn't understand why I was upset, she said she was just talking about baby related things now I was pregnant. She told me this 22 yeast ago and I can still remember being sat there thinking 'why the fuck is she telling me this??'

I don't think people mean to upset or offend but they should maybe just stop and think before they speak.

I'm sorry she upset you OP.

I try to be very careful talking about my own losses when pregnant women are around, and would never want to frighten or upset someone.

She may have been very recently bereaved and not thinking clearly. I had a relative keep ringing me to tell me about people having terminations or child cruelty cases in the news following my losses, and found it really difficult and stressful.

She could have been more sensitive to you then, but I think you could have been more sensitive here too. As Alora pointed out, 'baby who died' is less blunt and much kinder to bereaved parents reading the thread.

I don't tell pregnant women about dd being stillborn, it's not fair.

Yanbu op.

I'm sorry - truly I am..I wish I had phrased my OP better.

She could have been more sensitive to you then, but I think you could have been more sensitive here too. As Alora pointed out, 'baby who died' is less blunt and much kinder to bereaved parents reading the thread.

I have to agree. As a bereaved parent I did have a sharp intake of breath at your OP, although I know you probably didn't mean for that to be the case.

Cross posts

OP, that was awful for you. Selfish, insensitive woman. I keep my stories of loss to myself around pg and newly delivered mums. If I have to share a story I share the happy ones. Usually I STFU.

sorry for my tone. but so many bereaved parents and grandparents (who suffer a bereavement and the pain of seeing their own child's anguish, relationship change with them, etc) feel they can never mention it. I think that's wrong.

However, I think the use of selfish/vile etc is ridiculous - you're all just fortunate to have not experienced this and the enormous isolation and permanent dread of someone asking a question about your children/grandchildren and feeling you can never ever mention it in case you upset someone - but actually every time you don't mention it, your world falls apart more. It's a child's life and yes we should be accepting of people who talk about it.

I once shared an office with 2 people who had both lost their first children in late pregnancy/childbirth Neither breathed one word of this all the time I was pregnant with my first (I got pregnant first week in the job) I only found out about it much later. I have always been grateful for their compassion.

leghoul when someone tells you they have cancer, would you tell them about all the people you know who have died of it? Because personally I think that would be a conversation for another time.

how do you know it wasn't very recent? how do you know her husband hasn't just died and she's been pushed over the edge by seeing someone heavily pregnant?
how do you know, really,someone hadn't asked her about her own children?
I dont think pregnancy should preclude your poor little ears from hearing reality - you all need shipping off to precious candy land on a cloud with some care bears - those offended by this are the selfish ones. It hasn't happened to you yet you're offended by someone's grief, someone's genuine human connection that for some reason they thought they could say it to you? they dont say it to everyone you know- it was a human moment and you're like a bunch of catty 13 year olds. Unbelievable. You can't catch bereavement and you can't catch stillbirth, ok?

Ah, I regret my tone (poor impulse control, as I said - I'm actually much the same offline). I apologise to anyone who was offended or distressed by my comparison of stillbirths to sexual taboos. That was uncalled for.

I was simply trying to make the point that while some taboos are harmful, sometimes we don't force certain subjects on people for a reason.

Of course parents of stillborn children should be able to talk about it, but nobody has the right to force that conversation on a pregnant woman they've never met. It's not about who's got the most sorrow, it's about not having the right to inflict sorrow on others. I've lost several loved ones to cancer, but I don't share the details of their deaths with people who have just received a diagnosis in their family.

People don't always deal with grief 'appropriately'

No, but they should not then be surprised if they cause upset and hurt elsewhere.

Whether the lady on the bus needed to talk or not, whether it was recent or not, telling an obviously pregnant woman you've never met before all about the death of your grandson at birth was insensitive and inappropriate.

Because, to turn leghoul's comments around, this lady had no idea if OP's lost children before, or had miscarriages, etc, or if it was a first pregnancy (when many women can be more anxious about what might happen, I certainly was).

It goes both ways.

I agree with purple. This poor woman has to live with the loss of her grandson every single day. The comments here about her being unintelligent and attention seeking are just horrible. I sincerely hope none of you experience the loss of a child. You don't necessarily think rationally about it and I'm sorry op but you only have to feel uncomfortable for a little bit some of us have to live with the reality permanently. I sure as hell wont avoid talking about my son in case it upsets anyone although he wasn't a baby when he died.

I DO know what it is like. I also know when to hold my tongue.
Less than 4 weeks after our newborn died we are at a wedding, sat opposite someone who was massively pregnant. The seating plan had been done in advance, and I hadn't updated them about our loss. It bloody HURT to see her, but I kept my mouth shut about it for the whole meal. For her sake. I had my pain, but no way would I have inflicted it on her. Why would I?

That is so horrible. In the week I was due to go into labour, I had the misfortune to sit on a table next to two guys who thought it ok to talk about an episode of some reality birth show where a baby died in detail...what planet are these people on? Luckily DP was there to ask them to kindly shut it.
for you.

inflicting sorrow on others? how about talking about her grandson, with regret that he died, but talking about him - he existed, after all. The fear of inflicting sorrow on others, the lack of space to talk openly, and society's absolutely awkward, repulsed, reactions are exactly what damages, isolates and causes harm to bereaved parents.

I don't see a problem with her saying she had a grandson who unfortunately died - I would see more of a problem with the detail, (though if she was asked or asked indirectly I can see how nerves/whatever would cause her to explain what happened) - if anyone's upset by it, they should take an interest in it e.g. and health policy/funding in general, to look at why the UK is worse than Europe in this.