Re: this letter I've had?

[carelesswhisper1987]

Posted here for traffic to understand 1. If I'm being unreasonable and 2. Suggestions going forward.

Been with partner 2.5 years, lived together for past 5 months. Always been a bit of friction with his mother in terms of her having sly digs - saying she's surprised I don't smoke, asking if my friends are chavvy , telling me how unfit I am (which admittedly I am) and just generally giving her unwanted opinion constantly... Don't think she likes me or approves.

I relocated to move in with partner, gave up flat, job, friends etc and now live in a city 80 miles from home. Very few people know my current address that also live in the same city - other than my partner, his parents and managers / HR at my new job.

I have received this letter through the post today (obviously cropped off my details). It had my full name and address on and is basically just a link to two weight loss sites. Letter also postmarked with county we live in - as do his parents. My friends and family live in another county...

I must confess my immediate thought was partners mother!

He is adamant it's junk mail... Has anyone ever come across anything remotely like this or have any suggestions? Doesn't look like junk mail to me.

Trying not to drip feed but there are so many stories about this woman I could tell you. All my friends have immediately said they think it is partner's mother that has sent it. I can't see who else (in the very small pool of people that know address and live in our county) would be so malicious!
Advice mum

Yep what nauticant said. Search history is July but letter was received last week.

God knows why she's waited two months to share the fruits of her labour!!

I wasn't joking when I suggested you send it back to her anonymously.

MILs tend to fade. Mine was an absolute monster when I first met DH. He did have to "deal" with her two or three times. They had fierce conversations where he made it clear her treatment of me was rude and unacceptable.

Now we all get along okay. Last time she saw me she hugged me and said "I'm so glad we're friends now" and she meant it.

Don't abandon your relationship because of her. Deal with her yourself.

Hmm...

Thanks for all advice. Told partner, initially he said the search history didn't mean it was her. Now he accepts it was - but of course it wasn't done maliciously - even though last week he finally accepted it was malicious. I questioned that and get 'that's before it was my mum.'

I asked why she went to the trouble of doing it anonymously and denying it if she saw no harm, of course he cannot answer this.

He said he will speak to her about it but he's sure she didn't mean any harm by it.

I feel terrible. He is never ever going to stand up to her, I will never feel like I'm part of the 'family' - not that I want to be her family. I'm an outsider.

I am seriously considering our relationship now because I just can't comprehend being with someone who can justify what she has done.

It's a tough one, OP, but many people don't deal much with their ILs, even when children are involved. You can of course cut your losses now, but if the relationship is important enough you have to make sure your DP knows his mum won't be in that relationship more than she absolutely must (come to the wedding but don't expect Christmas with us etc)

I am seriously considering our relationship now because I just can't comprehend being with someone who can justify what she has done

He has given you insight into what your future with him is like. She was truly horrible to do this, so calculating, malicious and devious. Do you want such a person in your life, around your kids?

Reni I said this morning when I told him, I will be civil at occasions but I don't want her here when I'm here and I refuse to go round just for a cuppa. He said I can't do that - she's his mother and he won't accept that.

OneDay agreed. The same thing has gone through my mind. The level of planning, the number of times she could have stopped herself from doing it and chose not to. Frankly I think she's a monster and of course I wouldn't really want her round any children I did have.

I do love my partner though, have sacrificed a lot to be with him and prior to this, other than the snidey comments with her - there have been no major stumbling blocks. I don't want to lose that. Just not sure I can stomach trying to act like nothing has happened.

Oh, but you can do that, OP. I think it is good you are making clear where your boundaries lie now rather than 15 years and three children later. He might be used to being treated like this by her, but you don't have to be.

You poor thing. I'd be so damn angry and upset. As others have said think long and hard about your future with your Dp and do t be afraid to follow your gut instinct here

Sorry typo *don't

hmmmm, I wouldn't say that the internet history was proof. Just she might have had the same letter back in July

That doesn't seem very likely, does it? If so, she'd have mentioned it when it became clear that OP had received one too - especially if she had nothing to hide.

Reni I said this morning when I told him, I will be civil at occasions but I don't want her here when I'm here and I refuse to go round just for a cuppa. He said I can't do that - she's his mother and he won't accept that.

Well, that's an absolutely clear statement that she is more important than you. Also I can't do that erm, no, he is not the boss of you.

I do love my partner though, have sacrificed a lot to be with him and prior to this, other than the snidey comments with her - there have been no major stumbling blocks. I don't want to lose that.

If I were you I'd tell your DH that his relationship with his mother is of course his own business but you personally will be civil to her if you two absolutely must be in the same room together but you will not be going round for a cuppa until she apologises to you for what she did and apologises to him for putting him in such a difficult position.

How he reacts to that will tell you if you genuinely have something to lose.

Just not sure I can stomach trying to act like nothing has happened.
Quite right. Do not act like nothing has happened! Something happened. An important thing. A bad thing. And the person who did it has done nothing to make amends.

This is horrid for you careless but could you try to use sympathy / empathy to help your DP to understand the enormity of his DM's behaviour? Her aggression towards you is a very open if unconscious expression of her weakness/fear where you are concerned. She obviously sees you as a very real threat. Don't lay down the law to your DP on how to handle her - ask him how you can help him overcome her sadness. Show your DP that his DM is the weak party here, someone who needs help to understand that she is his past and you are his future....:

She is truly awful but the issue here is how your DP responds. When I got with DH his mother was pretty awful at first but he made it clear she needed to back off. Your DP needs to do the same

Do the same thing back - send her letters with links to toxicmil.com, assistance on stopping being a bitch, or whatever and when she throws a major strop ask your dp to give it the brush off because it's you.

See how he sees things then.

(I know, I'm a bitch, but frankly no one messes with me so it works)

get some funeral planning brochures sent to mil - anonymously of course!

What noarmani said.

It certainly doesn't bode well for the future if he can't see the issue now...

OP, if you still have the laptop, search the entire hard drive for *.tmp. Your MIL may not have saved the file, but the software may have, if the document was open long enough.

He has made it clear where he stands hasnt he?

Now you need to do the same.

Either you put up and shut up, accepting that this is how it will always be and that you and any children will always come second to his mother.

Or you say no. Enough is enough and leave.

Dont waste your breath trying to persuade him to stand up to her because he never will. He will say he will but when push comes to shove, he will never be able to say no to her. It would be a fools errand to try.

And if you do leave then you need to make it absolutely crystal clear why, the only way he will learn is by losing things that matter to him because of her behaviour and that wont happen overnight, but you will be doing him a favour by telling him.

Blimey - more dissing the DP. He's said he'll talk to his mother. Has anyone considered he just doesn't think she would stoop to something like that and wants to find out more himself? I read his responses as still not computing the magnitude of the information and he, of course, can't imagine his mother being such a bitch. She'll spin things that she's looking out for him, etc but really she's questioning his judgement which is pretty bloody rude and disrespectful towards her own son.

Is this his first serious relationship, as in living together? His mother is self-absorbed and it's about her losing a son to someone she wouldn't have chosen for him.

If you put your foot down and refuse to go to her house and entertain her in your own he'll see you mean business. If she comes round when you are there, you can busy yourself with something and not get involved in entertaining her, or even go out.

OP - when you open up Word on the laptop, is Times New Roman the default font? That letter you received was in Times New Roman. On older laptops it tends to be. Older people tend to have older laptops and sometimes don't update Word.

On new and up to date versions, Word defaults to Calibri.

I had a similar style of letter from a Wang wanting to do a house exchange with. Never heard of her etc. I think it's people drumming up business..?