Re: this letter I've had?

[carelesswhisper1987]

Posted here for traffic to understand 1. If I'm being unreasonable and 2. Suggestions going forward.

Been with partner 2.5 years, lived together for past 5 months. Always been a bit of friction with his mother in terms of her having sly digs - saying she's surprised I don't smoke, asking if my friends are chavvy , telling me how unfit I am (which admittedly I am) and just generally giving her unwanted opinion constantly... Don't think she likes me or approves.

I relocated to move in with partner, gave up flat, job, friends etc and now live in a city 80 miles from home. Very few people know my current address that also live in the same city - other than my partner, his parents and managers / HR at my new job.

I have received this letter through the post today (obviously cropped off my details). It had my full name and address on and is basically just a link to two weight loss sites. Letter also postmarked with county we live in - as do his parents. My friends and family live in another county...

I must confess my immediate thought was partners mother!

He is adamant it's junk mail... Has anyone ever come across anything remotely like this or have any suggestions? Doesn't look like junk mail to me.

Trying not to drip feed but there are so many stories about this woman I could tell you. All my friends have immediately said they think it is partner's mother that has sent it. I can't see who else (in the very small pool of people that know address and live in our county) would be so malicious!
Advice mum

[MissMoo22]

I'd be tempted to eat everything in sight and get really fucking fat just to piss her off. Then if she says anything, eat her too.

[carelesswhisper1987]

Have looked everywhere for the letter on laptop... Recycle bin etc. Either she hasn't saved it at all or was savvy enough to delete it...?

I think the search history is evidence enough it was her, especially as they don't even come up as top hits when you put 'weight loss hypnotherapy' into Google! They seem quite obscure!

I'm stuck at the minute - I really don't know what to do. My own mum thinks I shouldn't tell partner and instead tell MIL I know it's her and won't tell partner as it would hurt his feelings, but I want her to back off.

I'm thinking more towards telling partner and explaining I will be as civil as I can towards the witch, and see her at Xmas / birthdays but apart from that I want no interaction with her whatsoever. My only concern is a few months down the line he'll complain about tension / ask if I'm going to keep it up forever etc. Not sure if it's sustainable forever?

[MissMoo22]

I'd tell DP. You shouldn't have to fake a relationship with MIL for his sake.
I can't actually believe she did that! What a bitch.

[JeffreysMummyisCross]

I think you should tell your DP while you have the evidence in your hand. God knows what stunt she might pull next, and you don't want an ongoing situation where you're painted as being paranoid and hostile while mummy dearest acts like the innocent accused.

[Fatmomma99]

I would show him your evidence and see if he agrees. If he does whatever you decide to do next, you'll do it in a united way.


If he doesn't agree with you about the evidence, then you know you're acting on your own and whatever you decide to do comes from you alone.

Thank you sooooooo much for the update - they are pretty rare, and one always hopes to know the outcome on a thread one is interested in!

[stayathomegardener]

I would certainly show DP but say you want to take it no furthur.
You may not get the chance again as next time she will be far more carefull.
DP will also understand your possible hesitance in future to trust or be engaged with her.

[Bogeyface]

I think you need to tell him because his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Even when faced with the evidence that she searched these sites and knew all about, if he still refuses to accept it and turns it around on to you then you know you have moved 80 miles to be with a man who will always put his mother before you.

And if that is the case, I suggest you contact your old company to see if you can go back, pack your bags and move the 80 miles home.........

If he accepts it, backs you up and understands your reasons for not wanting anything to do with her, then great :)

[Wearyheadedlady]

Oh OP you're missing a fabulous opportunity here.

Cut off the top bit with your name and address on it and post it back to her, anonymously.

She will know that you know its her but won't be able to prove it.
Talk about turning the tables!

[Bogeyface]

Weary you utter fucking bitch!

I love it!

Or send a similar letter but with the addresses of 2 therapists on it.

"Oh how weird, you had one too? I wonder who it could be thats sending these things?!"

She cant say that she knows its the OP without admitting that she sent the original!

[Wearyheadedlady]

Thank you Bogeyface, thank you - bowing and blushing.

I don't take harassment lightly and often think a good kick back is the best remedy.

[Wearyheadedlady]

PS. OP don't tell partner. Just send it back to her. She can't then complain to him, can she? And he won't know you've done it.

Too sly?

Maybe...

[Baconyum]

I'm with bogeyface, she is unimportant to a degree, its dp's opinion that matters. If he accepts she did it, a quiet word should be all that's needed - him to her. If he utterly denies even the possibility its her I think you need to cut your losses.

[Bogeyface]

Joking aside, look at threads on relationships OP.

Look at the ones from women who are now dealing with a vicious MIL, who's DH's always take the mothers side and who are expected to not only pander to these men/children but to share their own children with these witches.

Red Flags are called that because they are a warning. Probe a little further to see what his reaction will be to proof that its her, and you will see how it will always be. He will either have your back or hers. And if its hers now then it will always be so. Imagine what that would be like when you have a baby or are on ML or are ill....all of which need him to step up and support you whilst she is in the background dripping poison into his ear.

I am not saying that he would not step up and not have your back, it can take a little time to adjust to the fact that the parent you love and trust can do horrible things to another person that you love. However, if he doesnt have your back now over something as (relatively) minor as this, he definitely wont have it further down the line when your MIL is demanding weekly overnights with your newborn......

[Baconyum]

^^so true

[AcrossthePond55]

I haven't RTFT, but yes, in the US near me there was a rash of 'letters' similar to yours. Completely random people received in the mail what appeared to be a newspaper clipping for a local gym's weight loss programme with a 'Post It' attached to it handwritten 'I thought you might interested in this'. I didn't get one but someone I worked with did. It was an advertising stunt that backfired badly.

In your situation, if you are positive that you have enough proof, show it to DP and talk to him. Tell him you are hurt by his mother's actions and just want him to know what her attitude is towards you. Tell him that this time you are going to take the high road and let it go, but that if anything else happens with or is said by his mother you will expect him to have your back 100% should you decide to go NC with her.

[Spidermumdissapointed]

Would love to know what your DP thinks now. I really hope he's upset with her.

[hedwig2001]

Make sure you take screen shots of the history as evidence, because details of browsing history can be individually deleted.

[00100001]

hmmmm, I wouldn't say that the internet history was proof. Just she might have had the same letter back in july

[00100001]

you need to properly inspect the internet history, are there searches etc?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

How did he respond when you told him you had called the company so it wasn't junk mail?

[nauticant]

I think you need to tell him because his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I also agree with this. Just bear in mind that if an Internet history search shows a browsed website from 2 months ago and you click on the link, the date in the history will be overwritten by today's date. If you want to show the history to someone, beware of making the evidence disappear.

[ohtheholidays]

I think you should text MIL and say I don't know if DP has told you but I've had another one of those letters and this time it was much worse so I've had to go to the Police!

Thanks for checking up on me before I really appreciate it,as soon as I know more I'll let you know.x

Then watch her bloody panic

[Stormtreader]

You can print a document without saving it, just because its not on the laptop somewhere doesnt mean it didnt come from her.

[stayathomegardener]

I'm not sure of timescales but is there any chance your MIL googled the two names after your DP asked her about sending the letter? Rather than researching before sending.

[nauticant]

carelesswhisper1987 Tue 15-Sep-15 23:20:02

I have received this letter through the post today...

I suppose it's possible DH's mother altered the date on her laptop so that September searching showed up as a search in July although that would suggest she's playing a very deep game indeed.