Re: this letter I've had?

[carelesswhisper1987]

Posted here for traffic to understand 1. If I'm being unreasonable and 2. Suggestions going forward.

Been with partner 2.5 years, lived together for past 5 months. Always been a bit of friction with his mother in terms of her having sly digs - saying she's surprised I don't smoke, asking if my friends are chavvy , telling me how unfit I am (which admittedly I am) and just generally giving her unwanted opinion constantly... Don't think she likes me or approves.

I relocated to move in with partner, gave up flat, job, friends etc and now live in a city 80 miles from home. Very few people know my current address that also live in the same city - other than my partner, his parents and managers / HR at my new job.

I have received this letter through the post today (obviously cropped off my details). It had my full name and address on and is basically just a link to two weight loss sites. Letter also postmarked with county we live in - as do his parents. My friends and family live in another county...

I must confess my immediate thought was partners mother!

He is adamant it's junk mail... Has anyone ever come across anything remotely like this or have any suggestions? Doesn't look like junk mail to me.

Trying not to drip feed but there are so many stories about this woman I could tell you. All my friends have immediately said they think it is partner's mother that has sent it. I can't see who else (in the very small pool of people that know address and live in our county) would be so malicious!
Advice mum

I second the poster who suggested telling her you've had malicious mail and the police are looking into it because there are so few people locally who know your address and it's clearly not junk mail.

You could also drop in something to make her squirm, such as every home printer having an identifiable mark, making it traceable .

You'll know in an instant whether it was her.

It's not junk mail.

He knows this.
Either his mother sent it and he's aware, or he sent it.

There is NO OTHER REASON for him to be so defensive, or so adamant that it's not junk mail.

Sorry OP

No way would they use stamps if a genuine company. Or crappy paper. Or just print two company names and nothing else. Or have your address when you're not signed up anywhere.

I agree that that your DP is in denial. Handle it quite gently I think, assuming that you can see a future which makes you part of the same person as this bat shit crazy woman. Hopefully your DP is worth it!

I think he sent it. Otherwise why would he be so adamant that it is junk mail when it clearly isn't?

There are some ridiculous comments on this thread about the ops dp, do those making such stupid comments, based on nothing, think they're helping the op?

A lot of you are just stopping short of 'leave the bastard'. Ffs.

The partner is getting a rough ride here, just because he's unwilling to accept that his own mum could do something like this it doesn't mke him a knob. I'd be defensive if my wife accused my mum of doing something horrible and unhinged without proof. Who wouldn't?

If the two companies are unrelated (a quick Google should tell you this) then it's definitely malicious rather than junk mail.

How close do your ILs live?

I think the malicious letter is a bit of a distraction anyway tbh. It's plain that your MIL and you don't get on, and if you want to stay with your partner (and I assume you do, having relocated to be with him!) then you need to find a solution which is acceptable to both you and him.

I would probably propose a deal under which you don't take the malicious letter issue any further but in return you have nothing to do with his mother. You don't actually HAVE to have a relationship - I've not seen mine for years, although we talk politely on the phone (she's not horrible, but she didn't help out when DH was very ill and our relationship has never recovered).

This reminds me of my XMil. My XMil loved my X's previous partner, she was lovely to her. If your Mil loved his previous partner, your DP might just not see it. My X didn't see it until he remarried and his DW wouldn't tolerate it wish mn was around then and I'd have been told to sort out the old witch

I don't think dp did send it.
I once received something similar in the post, it was an advertisement page from a weight loss company that looked like it had been torn from some sort of newspaper but there were certain lines of the blurb underlined in biro and handwritten at the top of the page was something along the lines of "please read this, it is of interest to you"
My full name and address was handwritten on the envelope (my full name is not common knowledge) and had a stamp and a local postmark.

It was definitely sent deliberately to cause upset but dh was adamant that it was just junk mail. Now at the time my MIL and I had a mutual dislike for one another and although i don't think it was her (very distinct handwriting) if I had accused her dh would have automatically gone into defense mode and we probably would have argued as was the case every time mil tried to stick the boot in. it took years to finally accept that his mother was in fact a nasty bitch.

it's natural to not want to believe that a family member could do something so vile, so defense mode is usually the first reaction.

Definitely not junk. So pointed at you personally. So 'poison pen'. Put it away, never mention it. See what happens. If it is MIL, she may even turn up asking your opinion on it.

I actually think it is important that you don't mention to to mil as you wouldn't normally mention junk mail. She has obviously gone to some trouble so maybe annoyed if she gets no response.

I do wonder if this will escalate

I'd do what thehouseonthelane said, and tell her, conversationally, that I'd been asked to take the letter down to the police station for forensic investigation, including fingerprints. 'Isn't it amazing what the police can detect from just a piece of paper?' etc.

Or, do nothing. Do nothing will definitely irritate her more and maybe prod her to do something so utterly batshit her son will have to acknowledge this was her too.

That's definitely not normal junk mail. Even the homemade leaflets we get from local small companies/cleaners/handymen are smarter than that. Also most junk mail we get nowadays isn't addressed, just comes through the door with the post. I can't imagine anyone would pay for such an unprofessional advert. They'd also probably use self-seal envelopes rather than Pritt stick

I've vaguely heard of Diet Chef, probably on TV or in a magazine, and their website looks quite professional, so I imagine if they were to send junk mail it would be a glossy leaflet or one of those over-friendly letters about how much they can help, probably with a special offer or something, not just their website randomly printed on a bit of paper.

I hadn't heard of Weller Associates, but I found their website and the weird thing is that they are located in Oxfordshire so it would be very odd for them to personally target someone so far away.

Anyway, YANBU to suspect his mum, she sounds dreadful, but as you have no proof and your partner is clearly defensive about it I think maybe it would be best not to say anything further to him for now. You could try mentioning it in front of her to gauge her reaction, as others have suggested.

I would keep the letter and envelope in a ziplock bag and keep it in case you get any more letters. They probably wouldn't be able to get fingerprints from it, but you never know (and that might panic your MIL if it was her...). (Yes, I watch a lot of CSI! )

Anyway, I'm really sorry this happened, its' very hurtful whoever sent it

No way this is normal junk mail.

I would leave it lying where ahe would see it and leave a Mars bar on top of it. Also next time you see her make sure you are eating a Mars bar as well. Watch her reaction and you'lol beae to tell if it was her.

Actually better idea. Send an exact copy to her by post and see what happens

It's not junk mail and YANBU however I do think the best way forward is to ignore and move on . I've been in a similar situation with my ILS , in regards that they didn't like me, and IME what you need to do is deal with anything that comes up at the time it does and that way you will see if your partner is really going to back you up to his mother , if he isn't then the choice is yours as to what you do . You may find that if you stand up to her she simply backs down ,some bullies do if not at least you will know where you stand .

It doesn't seem to be junk mail - too organised an approach. They'd just put flyers through the door. Besides which, it relates to two different companies.

I am not sure I agree with referring to the parent as evil etc. but she obviously has an issue with the OP. I do agree that it is hurtful. However, careless doesn't have much evidence to prove it's DP's mother.

I think there are two options when dealing with MIL; either blatantly ignore the letter/don't acknowledge it at all OR go with mentioning in passing that the police are investigating poison pen letters.

Ultimately you will have to accept that for whatever reason, MIL does not like you. Let your DP deal with her, but make sure that he has your back. If he doesn't you may want to rethink your current situation regarding location, job etc.

It's pretty straightforward.

It's a letter arranged by an individual to make a point to you OP. It is nasty.

Your partner's mother would be an ideal candidate for the sender. But you have no proof and you'd be lucky to get any.

There is no point your DP contacting either company. He's proposing this in the hope of shutting down this issue. "I did something. They couldn't confirm or deny they sent the letter. Let's consider the matter closed."

Your main problem is being isolated and with a DP who doesn't want to take your concerns seriously.

I would call the number (or pretend I had), then go to your partner and say that you now know this is not an advertisement, it is hate mail.

Because hate mail is harassment and therefore a crime you are going to report it to the police and see how he reacts. This way, it will be the last such letter, he will no doubt inform anybody he thinks might have done it.

Thanks everyone again for the responses.

Having slept on it I still feel just as certain it's her but unfortunately have no way of proving it.

However when DP finished work last night he admitted he had asked his mother if it was her - way before I mentioned it by the way! He showed me the messages and she has denied it - I knew she would... (As an aside I suffer from migraines and have to take preventative medication for them daily - MIL insists they're not required and sent a list of alternative remedies home with DP once. She's clearly gone to the trouble of sending this anonymously therefore quite obviously she is aware this is wrong and I knew she would deny it).

Still not sure what to do. All the suggestions about telling her I have had poison pen letters are great except I do everything in my power to avoid spending time with her as she is such a nightmare to be around.

Anyway DP adamant it's definitely not her as 'she said it wasn't her'. To accuse her again would insinuate I think she's a liar and I think will just cause more trouble than it's worth.

My own DM thinks it best I just ignore it & I'm leaning towards that, as annoyed as I am that she's getting away with this scot free! However without proof don't feel like there is anything else I can do

I am considering mentioning it at work however just incase someone has looked at my record.

Thanks again for all the replies lovely people

I wouldn't say anything else. You know what's happened. In a couple of months she might find something in the post.

www.stannahstairlifts.co.uk/contact?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=Google&utm_campaign=Stannah%20Brand%20(E)&utm_term=stannah%20stairlift&pcrid=70058652884&muid=f5586f9c-801f-4094-9f17-e78485fbb357&gclid=CJeM2NCW-8cCFQYewwodraEJxQ

I think you will just have to let it go but be very wary of her in future. She sounds awful. I agree it's not typical junk mail.

Skimmed the thread, read OPs posts.

If this was me i'd ring the number OP. Is it a real company? If so i'd ask where they got my details.

Sorry if i'm repeating or missed something :)

www.wellerassociates.co.uk/loseweighthypnotherapy.htm

So it is a real company. Ring them OP.