Re: this letter I've had?

[carelesswhisper1987]

Posted here for traffic to understand 1. If I'm being unreasonable and 2. Suggestions going forward.

Been with partner 2.5 years, lived together for past 5 months. Always been a bit of friction with his mother in terms of her having sly digs - saying she's surprised I don't smoke, asking if my friends are chavvy , telling me how unfit I am (which admittedly I am) and just generally giving her unwanted opinion constantly... Don't think she likes me or approves.

I relocated to move in with partner, gave up flat, job, friends etc and now live in a city 80 miles from home. Very few people know my current address that also live in the same city - other than my partner, his parents and managers / HR at my new job.

I have received this letter through the post today (obviously cropped off my details). It had my full name and address on and is basically just a link to two weight loss sites. Letter also postmarked with county we live in - as do his parents. My friends and family live in another county...

I must confess my immediate thought was partners mother!

He is adamant it's junk mail... Has anyone ever come across anything remotely like this or have any suggestions? Doesn't look like junk mail to me.

Trying not to drip feed but there are so many stories about this woman I could tell you. All my friends have immediately said they think it is partner's mother that has sent it. I can't see who else (in the very small pool of people that know address and live in our county) would be so malicious!
Advice mum

[carelesswhisper1987]

Ok - rang Weller Associates - of course they know nothing about it, aren't affiliated with diet chef and he said they don't send out any mail of any kind whatsoever.

Just for peace of mind really. Going to tell DP when I get in from work, as he was so adamant it was junk mail.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Backforthis

[redshoeblueshoe]

Now you've got to face the real problem - will he always take his mothers side over you ? Sadly you might not find this out until you are in much deeper.

[reni2]

Backforthis- fabulous idea. Possibilities are endless, MIL might get "junk" mail from anger management classes or extreme body odour deodorant.

[Oldraver]

It is very obvious that is not junk mail and is printed off someone malicious computer.

I would be worried about your OH burying his head in the sane re his mother. He obviously had some doubts as he asked her.

I would be very careful with divulging any information she could use against you.

I would also be tempted to bring up the subject of your poisoness pen letter in her company. Say you have had to speak to the police and they are taking it very seriousely, lay it on thick, hopefully it will make her sweat a bit

[reni2]

I'd say to your partner you let this one go, but any others and all of them get taken to the police, harassment is a crime.

[fastdaytears]

I can totally see the argument for letting this go and not giving twatty MiL any satisfaction but is there also an argument for calling your DP's bluff and saying you will go to the police? If he's that sure that it's not his mum then he won't try to talk you out of it. If he panics then he might realise that on some level he realises it is her?

Ugh so much game playing though. It would certainly be easier to let it go

[MissEeerie]

I'd mention in front of her that you've had a poison pen letter and the police are taking it seriously, dusting for prints and all that. Unless she's a complete psychopath, her face should give it away.

[RaspberryOverload]

I would also be tempted to bring up the subject of your poisoness pen letter in her company. Say you have had to speak to the police and they are taking it very seriousely, lay it on thick, hopefully it will make her sweat a bit

I'd do this only if the OH were onside about it, as he could easily turn round and point out you haven't done this, making it all backfire.

I would stick to the idea of signing MIL up to stuff, carefully and not too soon or it could be connected to this letter. Do it online, and she'll not be able to prove it.

[MissEeerie]

Keep the letter, just in case this gets worse (though hopefully it won't)

[WhoTheFIsJeff]

Is your dh always going to take her side over yours? If so, you have a big issue here. Especially if at some point you get married and have dc.

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

Op, I think you're handling this very well but please be a bit wary.
You partners mother doesn't like you, and probably is responsible for the nasty letter but if I were you I would not like to give her the satisfaction of knowing it has upset you.
Keep the letter, somewhere safe and anything else that arrives that seems similar. But for now, I'd maintain a dignified silence as far as she's concerned. You dp has confronted her so you know she will always deny and imho he is probably rather confused as to why she'd do such an odd and nasty thing.
When you talk to him later I'd mention what you've found out but then I'd let it drop - for now. For all you know your partners mum's motives might well be to do more than just upset you, she might have ideas about provoking you into confrontations and arguments to split you and her son up.
It could be a while before your dp realises.
But I really hope I'm wrong.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Good stuff OP. So you know for sure now it's not junk mail. As you say, for peace of mind, and to give you the courage of your convictions :)

Lots of good advice here.

You know it was her. She knows you know it was her. Your DH may simply think the best of his mother and not want to believe it was her. Lets forgive him that. At this stage don't turn this into a battle between him and you about her. She'd LOVE that.

For the time being: Yes, keep the letter. I second mentioning to DH that you're thinking of logging your concerns with the police. If he questions it: ''Well, if it's not your mother then some weirdo's out there ...'' etc. Wide eyed innocence.

Perhaps he'll even mention the police involvement to his mother. That'd be good. Shit her up a bit.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

op - just before we decide for certain that it is his mum, bear in mind that it could be a slightly odd neighbour or a cruel teenager from your new area, which you admit that you're unfamiliar with. So if his mum doesn't respond with an expression of utter guilt, she's not necessarily a psychopath. Just saying.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

And regarding the fact that it's got your full name on - if you've had any parcels delivered or any misdirected post, a neighbour would have the chance to find that detail out.

I'm not trying to divert your suspicions, just to highlight the possibility.

[WhatsTheT]

definitely not junk mail.

I've used dietchef, they don't send out tat like that.

[WhatsTheT]

Ooops seems I was a bit slow there.

I'm angry for you. Would expect OH to be more annoyed on your behalf once he found out it was something nasty and not just junk.

You're a better person than I am for ignoring it!! :)

[PlopsyWhopsy]

Well done for phoning up so you know this isn't junk mail. It is poison pen mail sent by your DP/MIL.
Don't let them let you think otherwise.
Now you've just got to decide whether she will escalate and your DP will side with her, or if he'll support you. Even though you have moved, it is ok to go back after a year, than stick around for the rest of your life unhappy. No matter how much you love him and vice versa if he doesn't support you it will become very divisive

[reni2]

LaContessa is right, could be neighbours, but you say HR at your job (somebody there who wanted your job but didn't get it?) have the address, MIL and, most disturbingly, DP himself.

[BoredAdminGirl]

I would send something to her

She would know its you but couldnt prove it without admitting she sent this

could be fun

[SuperFlyHigh]

C'mon it's more than likely to be MIL - especially with her track record for suggesting migraine remedies.

I've noticed that the sorts of people who send these letters or try to criticize generally get off on the ensuing drama.

Therefore tempting though it may be to find out details of care homes, witch trial sites etc (latter was a joke!) it will only backfire as MIL will probably guess or just get flustered and probe her DS who will in turn probe OP for info (maybe).

so I would ignore it and treat it with the contempt it deserves.

After all with poison pen/chain mail type letters (you 'can' go to the police but really they have got better crimes to deal with) the best thing to do is ignore them. It'd be different if it were a downright threat but its only to do with weight loss.

[SuperFlyHigh]

oh and if your DP sides with MIL over this or lets it escalate into a 'him and her against you' then I 'would' be rethinking my long-term relationship with him but also because as you've relocated and are 'ostracized' in ways from your friends/family etc by distance.

[BarbarianMum]

I would ignore it and distance myself totally from her. Refuse to go see her, talk to her (or about her) or have her over for months at a time.

Tell your dp he's free to visit her but you don't get on with her. If he can accept that there is hope for you as a couple.

[Scremersford]

Well, I would post a photocopy of the odd letter to partner's mother, along with a letter from me saying that I received this through the post and found it strange as no-one really knows my new address, and that I'm trying to trace who sent it, so have to ask if she knows anything about it. Obviously she won't admit to it. But that's just me.

But I wouldn't have given up my job to move in with a partner. Seriously OP? Can't you just spend weekends together and look for a job in his town, using his address there on your cv to make you seem more local. The actual letter wouldn't bother me that much, but you have pretty much isolated yourself with no job, friends or home of your own, so maybe you are focussing on it rather a lot at present? Not meaning to be invasive, but I hope you have savings and have not made yourself financially reliant on this man.