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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
Nowthereistwo · 15/09/2015 13:53

I understand what you're saying and especially with the pressure of a visit at Christmas.

But, this is a long term relationship (future dil?) and she seems to be doing well with AA.

Could they do a short visit before Christmas to see how it goes and give everyone a chance to start again?

Stillunexpected · 15/09/2015 13:53

I can understand your reluctance but three years ago is a long time. If she has genuinely realised her behaviour was unacceptable and has been sober almost since then, it might be time to bury the hatchet? This is obviously a serious relationship for your son, she might end up being your DIL! I know you say she drove a wedge between you and your son but I think you have to try and be the bigger person and stop the wedge getting bigger? If you say no to her coming for Christmas, is there a chance your son will choose to spend it with her instead? Will this be the first time you have seen her since the last visit?

BestZebbie · 15/09/2015 13:54

YANBU in that you get to pick who stays in your house.

However, if I were you I would very seriously consider

  • what you are going to do if they turn out to be life partners (better to not draw a line that you can't keep up?)
  • how your refusal to host her or take her serious long-term committment to resolve her drinking seriously is going to drive a new wedge between you on one side and her+your son on the other.
StanSmithsChin · 15/09/2015 13:54

YABU but it is your home so you can say no.

You must be aware though that you run the risk of spoiling your relationship with your son. They have been together a while now so potentially this women could be the mother of your GC.
What she did 3 years ago was awful however she did apologise and has since sorted out her issues. Personally I think she deserves a chance. Way up the pros and cons OP.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 15/09/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:01

I just feel that this will always be my image of her - drunk, lying to me, lying to my DS...I do feel bad, but I just can't seem to shake that. And it is my home, it was made to feel totally unsafe.

It's as though they expect me to have no problem with this.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 15/09/2015 14:04

Tricky. On the one hand you want to be kind and welcoming to your DS' girlfriend but on the other she behaved so appallingly you can't forgive her.

I think while my first reaction would be the same as yours, 'not on your nelly', I'd probably agree but not without having a long chat with your DS. Something along the lines of 'I vowed I'd never have her in my house again after how she behaved and that was reasonable. I'm having her back because you're vouching for her and say she's cleaned up her act. So she can come but she's here 100% on your ticket, and at the very first sign of misbehaviour she's out and you're paying for her hotel.'

SouthAmericanCuisine · 15/09/2015 14:06

It will be your lasting image of her, if you don't see her again.

It's your home, and ultimately your choice, but do consider the long term implications of your choice. You may well become estranged from your DS if you continue to reject the woman who he loves and shares his life with.

Do not, under any circumstances, pretend it didn't happen, though. They are grown ups and need to accept the consequences of their actions, too.

If you do decide to accept her back into your lif then insist that your son, and his GF talk to you about how you feel and the fact it will take time for you to trust her again.

RiverTam · 15/09/2015 14:06

It was three years ago! And she was ill - alcoholism is an illness. I think it would be incredibly unsupportive of you not to have her, I dread to think what she has been through, but it sounds like your DS (who, right now is coming across a whole lot better than you) has stayed with her and supported her throughout.

I guess it depends on how important your DS is to you.

Is it just your home or is anyone else living there? What do they think.

Lamination · 15/09/2015 14:08

It was an awful visit BUT say no to this and you are possibly/probably closing the door on your long term relationship with your son. They may well not appreciate what it was like - what would they whilst young, in love, drunk, feckless. Three years is a long time, fresh starts have much to recommend them and if the chance isn't taken and her behaviour is poor then she can be shown the door at any point.

Yambabe · 15/09/2015 14:09

I agree with the PP who said start getting to know her better with short visits. I know it's a couple of hours away but could they maybe come for a few hours to give you chance to talk and see for yourself how (if?) she's changed?

Postpone a decision on Christmas until you've had a few shorter visits, maybe building up to an overnight.

I know you have such a negative image of her at the moment and your previous experience must have been awful, but you will never change that image if you never see her again!

wigglesrock · 15/09/2015 14:09

I understand that it's your home and Christmas is a fraught time and she had hurt you in the past but at the minute it's not her that's going to be driving a wedge between you and your son - it's you. She was 18, she made a huge fuck up, it's been three years, she has sought and received help. Your son obviously loves her. This could be someone who is in your sons life for a long time, I think you need to be careful how you handle it and be very sure and very aware that it could be you who loses out.

I made a complete tit of myself in front of my then boyfriends mum when I was 18, I didn't apologise as graciously or as quickly as it sounds that your sons girlfriend did. She let me back in to her house, that was 23 years ago. I love my mil very much as she loves me - I'm not sure what would happened if I hadn't have been allowed back in with regards to my husband and his mum.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/09/2015 14:10

If you don't want to say no. Could they stay in a B&B locally?

It might be better to ease into meeting her again instead of having her stay overnight straight after the first experience.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 14:11

I think if this was anyone else it would be up to you whether you forgave or not.

However this is your own son and his long term girlfriend you are talking about. She apologised at the time, recognised she had a problem and is in recovery, I personally would find it easy to move on myself.

If you cannot forgive her, you would be doing her no favours permitting a visit, it will help her know about her potential MIL's unforgiving nature and keep well clear.

herderofcats · 15/09/2015 14:12

Can't they stay in a nearby hotel and come over in the daytime?

A nice halfway house, imo, between her appalling behaviour last time and sweeping it under the carpet by having her to stay again.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:15

Thank you, the replies are helping me to calm down a little. I haven't seen her since, no - just phone calls. I still think staying over Christmas is too much though, and it's a case of my DS just saying what he wants, rather than sitting me down and asking me.

Throughout her drinking, she did not treat DS (who is extremely important to me!) well - there were a couple of splits, him having to cope with her going missing etc. I accept it's not been like that while she's been sober though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:17

(I live in the Outer Hebrides by the way.) I do struggle with the concept of 'alcoholism is an illness', but I suppose that's another issue.

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 15/09/2015 14:19

The thing to also remember is that you're a much older adult and you've probably got tights older than this argument. 3 years ago is nothing to us at this age.

To her, she was a kid and it was a long time ago. 18 is very different from 21.

Did she properly apologise? Or was it a mumbled apology where she tried to shy away from/forget how she really behaved?

BathshebaDarkstone · 15/09/2015 14:20

YANBU, but how can she prove to you that she's changed?

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2015 14:24

If you say No, what will your DS do? He may not come home...

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:25

Jeffsan She was very upset and slightly incoherent on the first phone call, but has also written to me.

There were things which she didn't mention which my DS has now confirmed she has absolutely no memory of.

OP posts:
musicmaiden · 15/09/2015 14:25

You have a concrete reason why she behaved like this. She is an alcoholic. She has sought treatment and is now doing well (you have no reason to disbelieve your DS on this, I take it). If you do not accept the fact she is a big part of your son's life and give her a second chance, your DS will probably be very upset, and it will drive that wedge between you again. And if you do not give her a chance, you will not be able to change your current opinion of her.

Is there no way you could meet up before Christmas? It's such a pressured season to have something this big happening.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 14:28

Just leave it in the past. Treat as if she is a "new" girlfriend. That drunk 18 year old you remember is not the same person now.

Bolograph · 15/09/2015 14:28

Consider if you think she's managing steps 8 and 9 of AA:

Steps 8, 9 and 10:

  1. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  2. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

If she has managed that, then I think you'd be harsh to exclude her. But it would be your judgement.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/09/2015 14:29

I get that it's hard, but no one WANTS to be an alcoholic, as horrible as it was for you- it was for her too.

If you don't let her stay, you're taking a huge stand and pushing your own son away.

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