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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 14:30

Do you like to drink over Christmas?
If not, can you have an alcohol free house over that period so none of you drink? Would you son be up for that?
I can see where you are coming from. It's going to be hard but you can put 'rules/boundaries' in place before they arrive.
As soon as one is overstepped, they are to leave immediately!
Would that work?

Tootsiepops · 15/09/2015 14:37

Sister of a (now deceased) alcoholic here. You have admitted that you struggle with the idea of alcoholism as an illness. For that, YABVU.

It's hard to let people with known drink problems in to your house. But, if she has been sober for more than two years, and is now a good partner to your son, that is to be celebrated. It's time to let it go and move forward.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:38

Is writing a letter making amends?

There is no way that I can meet her over the next couple of months as she lives so far away, and I have an extremely busy job - have enough stress with that tbh.

And yes, I do like a drink over Christmas!

OP posts:
Twindroops · 15/09/2015 14:41

I can remember how much I changed between the ages of 18 and 21 and I agree with a pp that you "should" try and treat her as a completely different person.
The wedge she drove between you and your son will only get smaller if you and her meet halfway, which it does sound like she is trying/has tried to do. That said, she should realise the damage she did and I'm surprised she isn't suggesting a B&B or similar- is there anyway you could meet up and test the water between now and Christmas?
An alcohol free Christmas might be in order too which wouldn't be a problem for me but I appreciate would be to lots of people.

Obviously YANBU to decide who you have in your house at any time let alone Christmas it is your decision.

FWIW You've obviously done a good job bringing up your son to stand by and support a partner through alcoholism at his young age! She must be a special lady for him to have hung around, hopefully you will get to know the real her sometime soon.

seaweed123 · 15/09/2015 14:43

How would you feel if your son said he wasn't coming home for Christmas? At that age I was spending Christmas with my (now) DH, either on our own, or at alternate parents. If you say she is not welcome then that may be the understandable consequence.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:45

Tootsiepops I'm sorry for your loss, but yes - I do struggle with the illness idea, it would be dishonest not to admit that.

To be fair to her, I think it is my DS who is pushing for this Christmas stay - although maybe it's her behind the scenes, who knows.

Twindroops Thank you, and that is a good way of looking at it...

OP posts:
IsabellaofFrance · 15/09/2015 14:46

Have you never made a mistake that you wish with all your heart you could take back OP?

You are judging the behaviour of someone who was little more than a child at that time. Most children or young people don't turn to alcohol in such a massive way without something being wrong in their personal lives - have you thought of that?

Is writing a letter making amends? what do you want her to do? Kiss your feet?

Purplepoodle · 15/09/2015 14:47

I would think carefully. if you reject her, in all likelihood you will loose your son.

I would say to your son, that you would like to get to know her but perhaps they could come for a weekend first and see how that goes.

She was and is still young. Everyone deserves a second chance. there is only a wedge between you and your son because you cannot except his choice of girlfriend.

Bolograph · 15/09/2015 14:48

what do you want her to do? Kiss your feet?

Paying for the booze she stole wouldn't be a bad start, by the sounds of it.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:51

I think prolonged drinking, lying, destruction of my peace of mind, and treating my son like shit was a bit more than 'a mistake'.

However, I will admit that I am probably not thinking in the most rational or forgiving way at the moment Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 14:52

Yes. She did steal a lot of booze.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 15/09/2015 14:54

Let's imagine this from the other side:

"have been with my dp for three years since we were eighteen. When we first got together I had a serious drink problem, although I wasn't ready to admit that at the time. One week we went to stay with dp's family, I'm ashamed to say that I behaved appallingly, got very drunk, stole alcohol from the house and generally behaved awfully. After we went home I realised that I had a drink problem and sought help for it. I also rang my dp's mum and apologised for my behaviour, as well as writing to her. It's been 2.5 years now and I have been sober all that time. My dp stuck with me throughout and he has been incredibly supportive. Our relationship is serious and we have been talking about the future. Now my dp has invited me back to his parents' for Christmas, and his mum has put her foot down and said that I am not welcome in her house because of what happened three years ago. I know I behaved appallingly, however that was three years ago, I have now cleaned up my act, and I am a vastly different person to the one I was when I was eighteen. I just feel as if I am expected to carry the guilt for that one week for the rest of my life, and that my mil will never accept me as part of the family because of it."

What would your response be to that op?

Nobody is perfect. We all do things which are regrettable, sometimes involving other people. But it's not what she's done that is the issue here really, it's how she's moved forward since then. She's cleaned up her act, admitted that she has a drink problem, and has been sober ever since. Does she really deserve to be held responsible for that one week for the rest of her life? Are you prepared to not have a relationship with your ds because of your inability to move on? To not have a relationship with future grandchildren? She didn't kill anyone, she drank too much (how many eighteen year olds have been there?) and generally behaved badly. But she apologised and admitted she had a drink problem, something which will have taken a tremendous amount of courage while so young. failure to move on from this says a lot more about you than it does about her. tbh.

Yambabe · 15/09/2015 14:57

I think the biggest problem here isn't her alcoholism per se. You don't like her because she hurt your baby, do you?

Of course your son wants to come home for Christmas, he loves you. Of course he wants his gf to come too, he loves her. He is probably hoping that you will love her too eventually.

Please don't make him make a "her or me" choice. You really don't want to be THAT MIL that we all read about on here do you?

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 15:01

'She didn't kill anyone, she drank too much'

Look, I'm sorry - I appreciate 'turning it the other way round', I appreciate I should be thinking of how hard it's been for her etc. But I know, because I'm afraid I have pressed my son on the matter, that it's a bit more than drinking a little too much. She has affected many people's lives with her problem, and has placed her siblings' children in danger. (She alluded to this in her own letter too.)

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/09/2015 15:02

I think christmas will be a bad time for a visit, it can be very stressful.

Suggest your son goes to her parents instead (what will happen if she doesn't come to you).
If you don't have her back you might never see your son at christmas again.

And plan an easter visit instead.

Spartans · 15/09/2015 15:04

I am sorry this is so tough for you. But Yabu, you can not avoid her forever. If I was you I would want a visit between now and Christmas. You say it's impossible, but is it really?

If she had been sober for a couple of months I would say it might be too early. But it's been years. Whether you want to accept it or not alcoholism is an illness. How would you feel if you ds was ostracised because he was ill?

At some point you are going to have to try again with her and you do really need to try and see her as a different person. Because if she marries your son and you hold this against her for the rest of your life, you will lose your son.

Your son was also partly to blame for the last visit. He must have know how bad she was and didn't speak to you or warn you before bringing her. He inflicted her in an unwell state on to you and your house. I hope he apologised too. Taking an alcoholic into someone's house, knowing how bad it is, is stressful for the alcoholic as well as everyone else.

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 15:04

I think prolonged drinking, lying, destruction of my peace of mind, and treating my son like shit was a bit more than 'a mistake'." addicts are manipulative, this is a known fact. However, all these things happened while she was under the influence of alcohol. What are you like when you're drunk op? How does your personality change when you've had too much to drink? Because invariably, alcohol is personality-altering. How many threads are there on here from people who say they don't like the person their partner becomes when he's been drinking, and how many times is the advice to tell him he needs to stop drinking or leave.

She stopped drinking. She is not the person she was when under the influence of alcohol.

She was eighteen she had only been legally allowed to drink for a year at most. Someone doesn't generally become that dependent on alcohol that quickly so consider that a child (because under eighteen is a child) was able to gain access to alcohol to the extent that by the time she was eighteen she was dependent on it, so much so that she needed to admit she had a drink problem.

How comfortable is your life in your "alcoholism is not an illness" bubble op?

IsabellaofFrance · 15/09/2015 15:07

Surely if she was a guest in your house she didn't steal it?

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 15:09

Er yes, she did steal the expensive and aged whisky bottles at the very back of my kitchen cupboards Hmm

OP posts:
Spartans · 15/09/2015 15:09

Can they come to you for a few days at the beginning of the Christmas break, then go to her parents? Or where she will be if she isn't at yours.

That way you see ds at Christmas but less stress as its not over actual Christmas day.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 15:10

Pretty sure she also stole money, but as I can't be absolutely certain, I can't really say anything about that.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 15/09/2015 15:12

I can see why Christmas in particular feels like a bad time for her to visit. And perhaps even having her stay in your house at first feels difficult.

However it sounds like your son is probably serious about her, as they have stuck together through a difficult time.

You need to think about how you are going to manage this, going forward. What if your son stays with her? Would you refuse to see her ever again? What if they bought a house, got married, had children?

She did something pretty awful. It's understandable that you aren't ready to welcome her with open arms. But she was young, and has sought help, and if she has achieved this then she deserves a second chance from you.

whois · 15/09/2015 15:12

Christmas doesn't seem like a great time for a recovering alcoholic to visit - will she be able to deal with other people drinking?

OTheHugeManatee · 15/09/2015 15:13

I'm with the OP on the idea of alcoholism being 'an illness'. While there is a lot of comorbidity between mental health problems and addiction, calling alcoholism an illness implicitly absolves the alcoholic of responsibility for the hurt they cause. I think that's dishonest and does no-one any favours.

My dad was an alcoholic throughout my childhood, though he is sober now. He caused me endless hurt. I hold him responsible for that; I've largely forgiven him too, but I do hold him responsible. He was not an ill person who couldn't help it; he was an alcoholic. I'm sorry, but it's different.

Whether the OP wants to forgive this girl or not is up to her. She shouldn't be guilted into it by people who want to show off their compassion but weren't there, don't know how bad it was and whose house it isn't.

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 15:14

op you are drip-feeding here because you've not had a satisfactory response.

The fact is, she was eighteen, she has admitted to being an alcoholic, she has sought help for it and she is now sober. And most importantly, your son has got past it, has stuck by her and wants to be with her.

So what happens if your son says to you "fine then, we'll have Christmas without you. in fact as you won't accept her I will go no contact from now on." Is that the price you're prepared to pay? is your hatred of this girl strong enough that you're prepared to give up your son over it? Do think about that op, because it's a choice which may be taken out of your hands if you persist in this need to hold a grudge.